An End to 2007

I didn't do well through the holidays. Everyone had told me it would be difficult. I knew it would be difficult but still, I thought somehow someway I could cheat it. Find a magic formula or distraction to get my through it. (loud buzzer) Wrong! Pain and grief, pain and grief. There was no way to avoid it.

I dreamt of Carol last night. We where getting ready to go somewhere together. Going somewhere with Carol was always an event. Pack this, look for that, need this, need that. It never bothered me. It was just what we had to do to go somewhere. It was good to see her again. I hope she visits more.

I talked the one of the main people at South Cost Divers. He emailed me and it seems that in all fairness, I need to speak up when I need help. They can't read minds and it's not fair to expect them too. I just have a problem asking for help. I was abandon as a child when I was 10. Since then I have had dedicated my life to be self sufficient. Carol was a unique person who came into my life and I allowed myself to become dependent on her to be a part of my life. Anyway, back to SCD. I had an email exchange with one of the main participants of the group. I'm looking forward to meeting him tomorrow for a dive.

Speaking of dives. I did actually get to go on one last Wed. I went with my dive instructor on a fun dive. Stayed out 60 min at a depth of 40ft. It was nice. My mask flooded the whole time. That sucked.

Speaking of things that suck. I left work on the 20th. The light turned green for me to turn left. As I finished my turn, someone ran a red light and hit me. Only minor damage to the car. I was lucky someone pulled over to be a witness. When I told the driver she ran the light she denied it and said I ran the light. Sad.

Speaking of sad. 2007. What an bad year. I'm glad it's over. Tomorrow will mark the countdown to March 15. I am doing everything thing I can to heal. I am active. I exercise. I go out with friends. I think once I get past the one year mark, things might get different for me. I hope anyway. Maybe that should be my theme for 2008, Hope.

Kel

xmas day

Just a quick note to let everyone know today is going better than I thought it would. The wind was too strong to go golf but plan on trying again tomorrow. I ended up going last night at the last min. It was very very hard even though I probably looked like I was doing fine. I wanted to go and I'm happy I did.



Merry Christmas everyone.



Kel

xmas eve

Tiers are running down my face as I write this. I have tried so hard to gut through this. To move on with life they way Carol would want. To go to the Family xmas eve party that they have every year. I know everyone wants to see me and hear what I have been doing.

But it hurts so bad...

I'm so sorry if I can't make it. I will try.

Freddie

I was with some friends today. One of my friends, Freddie, passed out. We called 911 and when the paramedics came to help, I held his hand to give him comfort. An hour latter he died.

South Coast Divers

I tried to go diving again today. God hates me or is having fun messing with me. I finally got to go down on a Saturday to dive with a group that claims to be very helpful to new divers. (bet you can see where this is going...) I show up and meet one guy, nice. After awhile a few more show up until there is about 8. Then we all take off for the beach. Same place as before. Auhhh!

I park and start to get my stuff ready. I notice that everyone seems to be able to do everything by themselves. I need help with my suit so I go over and ask someone to help. He didn't seem like he wanted to and when he pulled the zipper, it jammed. It jammed hard. I tired to fix it but it looked like I was going to have to take everything off. By then everyone was done and getting ready to go dive. Then the all left me. It took awhile and after I used my knife to cut the fabric it came unjammed. The suit I have is hard to get into and hard to get out of. So I sat there, all alone, and thought what should I do? If I go through all that again, I still need someone to help me zip it. Then I walked down the stairs and what if they started diving? I can't go in alone and if I did find them, I would only be able to stay down as long as my buddy's air which would be less than mine. So I put my pants and shirt on and walked down the steps. I guess they waited for me in the ocean and when they saw I did not have gear on, dove under the water. I sat and waited for them to come out and see if I could get help with the second dive. But when they came out they said they were done for the day.

shit

Maybe next Saturday. I have another class next Saturday and if it don't rain, I have a good chance of getting to dive.

An End and a Beginning

Today ends my time at the location I have worked at for one year. For those who have been keeping up, the sign today says 266 days since Carol died. I am glad no one has been hurt but I am also grateful I will not have to see that sign anymore. It is strange, I have worked here twice as long as a widower as I did married. It doesn’t seem like that but it is. I will be very sad to leave the people I have become very good friends with. I enjoyed working with everyone here.

Monday begins my time at the new location of work. I am looking forward to working with everyone I used to work with before. They are all good friends and great engineers.

That’s all for now.

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

-Author Unknown until I get turned into the DCMA

Acceptance Part 1

The next day I was supposed to go into work to make up hours from being sick on Monday. But I stayed home and got the room ready to be moved in to. The pain was still there but at lest I had stopped crying. By noon the room was ready. I sent a text message that the room was ready and come over anytime.

At 2pm I attended a service for my friend killed on his bike. It was sad and I left at 3:30pm. I stopped at Soup Plantation and had an early dinner. Did you know they have new soup bowls? They are the size of my palm. They are not bowls, they are cups. Pissed me off. I like to put mushrooms and black olives in the bowl and then put clam chowder in it. But the size of the cup now is pathetic. Why have Soup in your F’n name then give a cup to put it in? “Thank you for your money now leave hungry please.”

Ok, sorry for the rant. I went home and waited for Joe to move in. He finally came by and moved his stuff in.

After my breakdown last night I’ve been thinking. Thinking about what or who I am now. I want so desperately to have Carol back in my life but that is not going to happen. Before I met Carol I was mostly kept to myself. It is odd that Carol and I fit so perfectly together. We spent our time together and enjoyed being together. Now that she is gone I’m reverting to being someone who keeps to themselves. Alone. I don’t think that is a good thing. I think that if the day comes when or if I am with another woman, the relationship is going to be different than what I had with Carol. Carol and I had broken pieces that fit each other’s broken pieces. With Carol gone, I still have broken pieces. I am coming to accept the fact that if I have another relationship, it may be based upon something completely different.

Pain Part 4

I met a kid out from Chicago going to school for an automobile company. He is a nice kid and seems to be quite and laid back. He is living in an apartment with 5 other guys. Apparently it is a difficult situation and as close to hell as someone of his personality can get. I thought about it and finally asked him to move in. I will be traveling next year and it would help to have someone here looking after the house and the cats. It’s only till the middle of February which will give me a chance to see if this type of arrangement is suited for me.

We met at the house and I showed him around. He met the cats. They seem to like him. We talked about ground rules and expectations then set a date to move in. We set Sat Dec 1^st as the date to move in. All last week I kept putting off getting the room ready. Then came Friday night when I had to do it. I was frozen and couldn’t seem to bring myself to do it. Then it came from out of no where, Pain.

Pain

It hit like a rock thrown through a glass window. My illusion or delusion was shattered. I was sitting there thinking I got to get things ready when out of no where a though came into my head. It said, “Carol won’t like living with a room mate.” I was stunned. Carol is dead. Then it hit. I’ve been waiting for her to come home. In some part of my thinking or a part of my brain I’ve been holding on to the fact that this is just some kind of nightmare and that soon it will all be over and Carol will be home. The part of my brain that lives in reality has been trying to go on with my life. But another part has been living a secret life of waiting for her to come home. With this person moving in, my denial was shattered.

I sat on my couch and cried. I cried like the day she died. Still, the room stayed the same.

Post Holiday Part 1

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone. It seems for some strange reason, it turns out that I'm feeling a lot of pain today. I have started to hear her voice again or see her around the house. When I do it feels like a half inch steal spike with the point cut off is put up against my chest. Someone takes a 5 pound sledge and hammers it into my chest. The pain is so great it takes my breath away for a moment. I have to pause to catch my breath and thoughts. I thought I was done with the physical pain. Guess not.

Brandi got out of the hospital on Wednesday before Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving at 6am, her father died.

I went to Anaheim to hang out with friends for the weekend. It was ok. Lots of people and all. I started getting sick on Saturday. The kind of sick where the back of your throat hurts and it moves up and down taking the pain with it. I had to go to bed around 9 or 10pm on Saturday night. Didn't sleep at all and finally got all my stuff and went home around 7am. Had a hard day and night. Got up still feeling like shit, called into work to tell them I wasn't going to make it and then started feeling better. Oh well.

For the most part, I got through Thanksgiving ok. I just wasn't ready for the Post Holiday pain. Odd...

Hospitals and Death

Brandi is in the hospital. A friend of mine died Friday night driving home on his Harley Davidson. It’s difficult to feel good about some of the things going on in my life while there is so much tragedy.

I played my first 18 holes of golf on Saturday. I played with a good friend from the job I used to have and will be returning to in December. I played the week before with the same person but we played 9 holes. This time we decided to try 18. For the most part, I suck. So does the person I played with. So we don’t have a problem with how bad we are. On Sat we had to play with another couple. They where good at driving the ball but sucked at the short game and putting. I had a few good drives as well as a few good long putts. Physically, I seem to be doing well through all of this. Only a little sore on Sunday.

Brandi has pneumonia. It was weird going into San Antonio again. She is on the third floor. The same floor Carol was on when she was in ICU. She is in a room I walked by every time I came and went from the hospital. Brandi is not doing well.

John was a friend of mine. We hung out on Friday night. I gave him a hug just before he got on his bike. An hour later I got a call some one tired to do a U-turn and hit him head on. He was DOA at the hospital.

This week is all about getting to Thursday. I might go diving on Thursday. Then I’m staying at a hotel in Anaheim till Sunday. On Thursday I plan to have a grilled cheese sandwich.

Anniversary

Today would have been our 10 year wedding anniversary but instead, it's been 8 months today.

Change Part 1

It's official. I'm going back to my old program I was on before I came to Azusa. I know, I know some of you remember some of Carol's posts about how awful it was. But the main source of the pain has moved on.

By chance, an opening became available. It is a position that requires travel 9 months out of the year. I will get to be present during testing of things that are very exciting.

At first, it looked like I would have to move to Huntsville, AL. But they where successful at getting me to stay local here in California. That might change over time but for now, I get to stay here.

Just wanted to let everyone know.

Stay at Home

Well, looks like I’m just going to stay at home this year. I don’t want to spend over $4,000 to go somewhere for 7 days. I looked at Moscow and found that the flight is very cheap but the rooms are expensive. Plus I’d have to deal with work about going there. So then I thought about a dive trip but didn’t want to go alone. So then I thought about skiing and can’t find a room under $290 a night for 6 or 7 nights. Plus lift ticket plus air fare, plus, plus….

So I’ll just hunker down here for now. I might look at doing some things around the house.

/sadface/

Kel

Help

I have a problem. See, there is this ‘thing’ that happens towards the end of December. It’s a big event and lots of festive feelings are abound. I would prefer not to participate. A good friend has recommended going on travel during this time. Especially the first one. The problem is I don’t know what to do. Should I travel overseas? Should I travel local? Should I go on a Dive trip or a Ski trip? The problem with a dive trip is I will be by myself. I would be asking to join other people who probably don’t want to share their expensive vacation with a pathetic grieving man. If I go on a ski trip, then again, I’m alone. If I stay home, well, that may not be good either.

Oh, and by the way: I am not participating in the holidays at all this year. People have felt that they should invite me over for ‘this’ or ‘that’. I just wanted to let everyone know that I’ve decided to not participate at all in any of the holidays this year. So for all of you who are, I wish you the best.

Anger Part 1

I was looking through my posts and noticed I haven’t posted about anger. I know I’ve shared about situations I’ve been angry about but not “anger”.

Last night I got angry. I mean really angry. Yelling, cussing, and venting on the phone angry. I won’t go into details but it was an innocent situation that was easily misunderstood. I just saw what I saw and my anger just exploded. I said things to people about people that just wasn’t right. Well… some of it….

I’m grateful I have friends that simply listen and don’t react to my feelings. They just let me get it out of my system. They know I’m not really like that. They know I’m going to go through this type of situation and my feelings are going to be all over the place. They where able take my call, listen to me scream and cuss and say it’s ok, they love me anyway.

I miss carol…

Diving is hard

After schedule conflicts and cancellations, I finally got to go on my first dive Sunday. We went to Shaw Cove in Laguna Hills. It was just me and another student, instructor and Robin from the Dive shop I got all my gear at. After some instructions, we got in the water at about 8am.

This was my first beach entry dive where there is actual surf. Other beach entry dives had ankle slappers for waves. This day there was surf around 2 – 3 feet. When the first over head wave hit and I went under water I knew something was wrong. All of a sudden, I couldn’t breath. I could only take short breaths. I tried not to panic. I kept thinking I just need to relax. I was trying to get a fin on one foot so I could rollover on my back and get the other one on. But I couldn’t breath. Robin came over and helped me. My air on the tank valve wasn’t open all the way. Even with the regulator open all the way and out of my mouth, I still could only take short shallow breaths.

I got a DiveRite BC. It has a back plate and straps. It’s not the normal type of BC. The strap goes across the chest where as other types go across your stomach. It seems when the first wave hit me, my suit expanded and instead of going out, the strap on the BC made it expand into my chest. As soon as I open the strap, I could breathe again.

The rest of the dive was fun. Underwater navigation is fun and challenging. When we got out of the water to change tanks the surf built up to 4 to 5 feet. The instructor decided to call it a day and we would finish navigation another day. That’s when the hard part of diving comes in. With full dive gear and tank, about 60lbs, we had to climb 75ft of stairs. I was so tired when I got to the top. When I went home I was exhausted. At 7pm, I went to bed. So, I just want to let everyone know, diving is hard.

Just Below the Surface

It’s been 232 days. Or so says the sign in front of the Safety Department here at work. 232 days since Carol died. Now that I’m getting farther and farther away, I seem to get closer and closer to the details of how she died. Odd isn’t it? Last night I was thinking about how they found her. Lying on the floor by the front door where the 911 operator instructed her to lie down and wait. When they got there, she had no pulse and was not breathing. Strange though, there was no blood in the entry way where she lied down. I was thinking last night that meant that the bleeding had stopped. My mind tells me if I was there I could have started CPR. The bleeding had stopped. I could have helped.

The other day I was coming home from the grocery store late at night. As I turned the corner and looked up the street, I could see my house with the porch light on. For a moment, just a moment, my heart skipped and I was filled with joy. “Carol’s Home!” Is what I thought. It seems that in spite of my progress that I have been making, just below the surface the pain is still there.

The Golden Rule

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been 13 days since I’ve posted. I bet I only have about 4 people who bother to come read it. Oh well. Sorry. I have had a lot going on but some of it I can’t blog, ever, some of it I have to wait to see what happens. I’ll just say that I’m going to break the golden rule of no major decisions in the first year. A unique opportunity has come up and I am waiting to see if I am selected to join. I hope so. Once I know for sure what is going to happen, I’ll share in detail about everything.

Compton

Blogspot has a Google tool called Analytics. It’s what I use to see who is coming to visit and where they are from. It’s cool to see people from all over the world who have for some strange reason, found my little spot on the internet and have taken the time read what I have to say about surviving and living on after the death of a spouse.

Recently I have been noticing a odd visitor. Seems there is a strange person who works in Compton, Ca that comes to visit my site every day. Every day expect for the weekend. There is this cool trend that shows a visit Mon/Tue/Wed/Thur then nothing for Fri/Sat/Sun. Then repeats.

Whoever you are, I hope you find comfort in my words or in your visits. You can easily reach me via my email on my profile. I think you know this but have chosen to simply visit. I will honor your anonymity and simply say hi.

Kel

A Simple Goodbye

The pain came back yesterday. It felt like a balloon with spikes being inflated in my head. Like a 30lb hot rock was sitting in my gut. Like my heart was being torn to pieces. Every time I would think about it, I would start to cry and my eyes would start to hurt. What was the source of this pain? A Simple Goodbye.

I have a team member here at work. Technically, she works from me but I have always considered her an equal. I may have more experience at some things but we work as a team. She was having difficulty with an installation of a software product we were working on. I spent about 45min helping her out and showing how to trouble shoot the issue. When I was done I went up stairs and was told my old boss was on the phone. That was the day Carol died. Whenever I think back to where I was at the time Carol died, I will always have the memory of being with my team member.

She is leaving today. She got a well deserved promotion and is moving to the east coast. Yesterday was her going away luncheon. Every time I thought about going or about her leaving, the pain would hit and hit hard. I had to send an email saying I couldn’t go and then went home. Today I start to cry every time I think about her coming to my cube to say goodbye. I will do it though. She has been a friend and a trusted team member and I will genuinely miss her.

Goodbye M

Kel

today part 2

LOL!

I'm doing better today.

today

just wanted to say I'm not doing good today

I’m a Diver

I did it. I went down yesterday and bought all my diver gear for diving. I have a tune up class scheduled for Sat and then I start taking courses for Advanced Open Water diving. I bought two tanks so I won’t have to rent any when I decide to go dive. I am fully self contained for diving. I’m really looking forward to diving at night during the week and during the weekends. I’ll get to meet a lot of people who enjoy diving also.

I spent more than I thought I would spend but still half of what I was going to spend learning to fly. I still might learn to fly but want to just focus on one thing for now. Diving seems better for me because it is a social activity that has me around people. Flying is a solo activity at first then I can have one person join. But I still thought it best to be around more than one person. When I was getting each item, I could hear Carol’s voice and big sigh as I would decide to get the best of something. She always thought I was a sucker for sales people. I am. The way I look at it is I’m getting a few things that are the best and won’t have to decide later that the low end just won’t do what I need then go and pay more for what I do need. I think I’m coming out ahead. Some of the things I got will last a very long time. That means I only had to pay once for something over 5 or 10 years.

I’ll let everyone know how I do on Saturday. I’ll see if I can ask them to take a picture of me and then I’ll put it up here.

Kel

Feeling Better…

…today. I’m grateful for yesterday. Sounds odd to say but I am. Day’s like yesterday help me to prioritize what I need in my life versus what I want. What I need in my life is to be grounded and centered again. Believe it or not buy my wants are helping me to get there. By following and getting my wants, I get an understanding that I don’t want what I’ve been wanting. Make any sense to anyone? I does to me. I start eliminating things that take up a lot of my time and start spending time on needs. What I need today is to be secure and safe as a whole person. I used to be that way before I met Carol and am starting to feel myself gravitating back to that center again. The closer I feel myself getting back the better I feel and the safer I feel.

I don’t know if any of this is making sense to anyone.

Tears

I’m sitting at work crying. Not the type of tears that comes with gut wrenching pain like I have become best friends with. No, these tears are different. It’s strange, I just sit here and my eyes seem to fill up and spill over, running down my face. I am sad, very sad. I have been asked recently by a few people if I’m happy. Some I lie to, others I tell the truth. The ones I lie to I say “yes”. I think that is what they want me to say. It makes it easy for them to hear I’m happy. The ones I tell the truth to is “no”. It’s been 200 days. I miss my wife so much it hurts. How can I be happy? When will I be happy? Why can’t I be happy? Why do I need to lie about being happy? I don’t want to be happy, I want to be with Carol again.

Here it comes again

Depression. Here it comes again. I haven’t been exercising regularly like I have in the past. I’ve been having a hard time getting up on time even though I go to bed early. I haven’t been eating healthy. I don’t expect any sympathy from anyone. I’m not doing the things I need to do to take care of myself so I have no one to blame for this but myself. If I don’t diligently take care of myself during this period of time, then I can’t be surprised when this happens. When I have moments of time where I start to feel normal it’s easy to take a break from the things that are doing good for me. I always think that I’ll work out tomorrow or I’ll make dinner tomorrow or I’ll get up on time tomorrow. Today I’m just going to relax and take it easy. Except, there have been a lot of today’s in a row.

I guess its back to basics again. Take a look at what I’m doing in my life and make some changes, renew my commitments to doing the things I need to do and hope for the best.

Absences

I apologize for my absences as of late. I wanted to post something on the six month anniversary of Carol’s death but didn’t. The sign here at work is still counting the days from the day Carol died so I was well aware of day 180. I was a bit perplexed about that. Is six months 180 days, the calendar date, or the week day? So I got rapped up in the dilemma of the question and let it just go right on by.

I have been seeing someone to talk about my problems. It started about 2 months ago. He is a nice guy and helps me a lot. He says I have PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When he said that I laughed out loud! He asked why I was laughing. I said the last 18 months has been PTSD. Then here was a long pause….

This presents a problem I’m having, Intimacy. Or being to open and imitate with people. It comes from having spent 10 years with someone who was my best friend. Someone I could talk to about anything and everything. When I meet people I just open up and start letting things flow. I’m quickly learning this is not appropriate. It’s difficult for me to be isolated and private towards people. I’m used to being open and honest about anything. But that is not how things are and I have to learn to adapt to the situation.

I’m questioning my use of this blog. Originally, I wanted to be open and frank about what I’m going through. Hold nothing back. I can’t tell you how free it feels to put things out there. But now I’m keeping things back and not sharing about what is going on. Is that right? Do I loose the appeal that this blog has by withdrawing and withholding? Should I be open and tell what’s going on even if some people my not like what I have to say? Or approve of how I am dealing with my loss?

I don’t know anymore. I’m feeling like I’m a lone survivor on a life boat who’s ship as just sank at sea. I’m alone and waiting. Waiting for rescue that I know is coming. But knowing it is coming doesn’t make it happen faster. All I can do is wait…

Hope Part 2

Could it be true? Could it really happen? Or will I be crushed again with false hope?

Collection Consultants of California has come back into my life with the continued pursuit of putting a gun to my head and demanding money. Then yesterday I get another collection notice for another amount of money. Fed up, I called CHOC. I talked with someone and gave all the details about how the CCC has the worst rating from the BBB. He put me on hold and finally came back. He told me that they are going to notify CCC and cancel all accounts currently active. They (CHOC) had made several mistakes on how they bill the insurance, drug study, and the government. They will resolve the insurance and drug study bills and turn the government ones over to another company that does not contact the patient or turn them into collections. After I hung up the phone I started to cry.

Could it be true? Could it really happen? Or will I be crushed again with false hope?

Future Tripping

In curtain circles I run in we have an expression, “Future Tripping”. It means we start to Trip out on our fears of what the Future might bring. We look at where we are today and what we are doing and jump to the future and start to freak out.

I guess I’ve been doing that lately. It’s hard not to do that. The place I am at today is filled with indecision and waiting. Indecision about what I should do with my life and waiting for my grief to take me to a place where I’m healthy enough to make a decision.

With that said, I’ll share a bit on what its been like recently. First, August was very good to me. With the exception of my little excursion, it has been pain free. No major gut wrenching pain. So I want to thank August for being so kind to me and tell September I expect more of the same.

Next is what I feel like today. It’s strange. I feel sad but I don’t cry. I can sit in my chair at home watch TV and actually laugh out load at funny shows. All by myself. When I think of Carol I don’t spiral into pain or sorrow. I go to memories that are pleasant to think about. I don’t sit and imagine her dying like I used to.

Finally, I guess I’m just doing ok. I am doing better at work than ever before. Better than before Carol died. My days go by fast. My nights are spent having fun with great friends. My weekends have been spent in my house because it’s been like 180 frigin degrees outside. But I still enjoyed being home. This weekend I plan to ride my bike all weekend. I’d like to ride to the beach.

That’s all for now. I want to thank everyone who keeps coming here and checking on me. Sorry I’ve not been very active lately. I’ll try to write more this month. It helps me to stay in the present and not spend too much time Future Tripping.

Sad

I’m feeling sad today. Don’t know why, just am. I guess it is to be expected. I have two three day weekends coming up and I have no plans. All my friends are out of town this weekend. I’ve been meeting new friends but they have busy lives. So it’s me and the cats.

I broke down I hired a cleaning service. Carol would be very disappointed in me. It’s only once or twice a week. I’ll see how it goes.

Sorry for the short post.

“Seven Out, New Shooter”

My trip to Las Vegas was frigin great! I needed this trip so much.

I left Friday afternoon and flew on Southwest Airlines. I’m not into the whole A B or C thing but it was only a 50 minute flight and figured, what the hell. Got to Vegas, shuttle, and MGM without any issues. I never have been to the MGM before. I booked my room online and got a rather expensive room. I checked in and started my adventure to find the room. When I got off the elevator, I looked down the hallway and thought there must be a mirror at the other end because I could hardly see the end. Of course my room was halfway. SO after about 30 min of walking (ok, only like 2 or 3…) I got to my room. I’m on the 8^th floor so I figure I should have a nice view, right. Imagine my surprise when I opened the window and saw my great view of….. a wall. No shit. A huge frigin wall! You would think they would tell you something when you book the room. That particular section of that particular side is the only one that is right up against another building with no view. I thought about it for a few minutes and thought that I didn’t come to vegas to sit in my room. Next time, I’m calling and making sure I get what I’m expecting to get. I would recommend the same for anyone else planning on going.

I was hungry and decided to have a quick bit to eat. Went down stairs and had a BLT. $20.00. When I asked to substitute the fries for fruit he said that would be extra. Imagine how I felt by now… I paid top dollar for a room with the view of a wall and now they want more money for frigin Fruit?! I skipped the fruit and decided I wouldn’t be eating here for the rest of the weekend.

It sounds so far like I didn’t have a great time. But I actually did. I went to gamble. I like to play craps. I played a total of about 10 – 15 hours over Friday and Saturday. I was ahead all the way to late Saturday night. Then I did something your not supposed to do, changed my betting style. Oh NO!!!! yes, I did… See, I usually put Come bets to move to the points while the marker is On. Then I put odds on the bet on the point. It takes awhile to get all the Come bets to get on all the numbers except for the Point before the shooter craps out. Then I learned that place bets are not bought bets. The return smaller odds than the Come bets but you can put your money on the points. So let me show you the math. At a $10 table I can start out with $85 on the table if the point is 8 or 6. After hearing the dealer shout, “Seven Out, New Shooter!” a few times, I found myself down. I had to dig into my pocket for another 100 just to try and get back what I started with. When all was said and done, I left the weekend down $275. I think that isn’t too bad and I still had a great time.

Well that’s all for now, I just wanted to share my trip with everyone. I’ll write more this week. Key Cat is not doing well…

Shared Dreams Part 1

I wanted to share with everyone a dream from a very close friend of Carol. Her name is Sheri and she said it was ok to post this on my blog:

Kelly,

Thank you so much for your courage and honesty. I can't tell you how much your blog has helped me in my grieving process. It has been a roller coaster ride for sure.

Wednesday night I had an incredible dream and am compelled to share it with you. So here goes.

GODDESS CAROL
There was a very large acrylic crate with a lid that was filled with water. I was closing the lid and felt some resistance, and opened the lid to see a very large cat slowly popping his head out. I'm talking like 30 or 40 pounds. He was a silver tabby with beautiful steel blue eyes. I felt as if he was amused with me and then he slowly lowered back into the water. As I reached into the box to lift him up, the whole room became water. I cupped his neck with my hands and slowly lifted him up to only see Carol's beautiful face. She had a beautiful smile and her face was a little pudgy, like she had gained some weight.

I felt my breath be taken away because I was so surprised and THRILLED to see her and to be actually physically touching her.

She communicated with me telepathically. She acknowledged all at once...My surprise, Our Love for each other, Her obvious weight gain (giggling strongly about that), Her pure happiness, Her freedom from CF and that she wasn't alive, but had past over.

Her personality was vibrating very strong with a great sense of humor and a lot of playfulness, she made me feel as if I had just caught my breath after having a 5 minute belly laugh. (Ya know how you just kinda glow after laughing so hard) There was also such a calming, encouraging, supportive and patient presence about her also.

But the incredible Love I felt from her was almost indescribable. I knew she knows now, everything about me and still loves me unconditionally. But it went beyond a friendship or even the love a mother has for her child. There was a very strong Goddess energy to her.

I held her for maybe 2 seconds and she was able to communicate all of that to me that quickly and so much more that I just don't remember yet.

I was just getting ready to ask her, "What can I do to help ease Kelly's pain" when the whole room began to flow into a lobby of an old hotel. We somehow became separated and I felt as if someone, was after me. I started to feel as if the water was getting thicker and I was exhausted moving through it trying to find a place to hide.

At this point, I realized I was in a dream. I acknowledged/honored and thanked Carol for visiting me and then asked for help.

An older man stepped out of his hotel room and shut the door. I was now standing at the top of the stairs, dripping wet and asked him if he could hide me. He opened his door and I woke up.

-I don't know what any of this means after I saw Carol, but I thought I would add it non-the-less.

Later yesterday I realized that I was holding Carol in the palm of my hands. Which was a little interesting to me because I had just finished a 4 day Qigong seminar at UCSD on Tuesday and have been feeling lots and lots of Qi in the palms of my hands. I thought about Carol a lot there. But that really isn't unusual because I think of her all of the time. I just miss her so fucking much. But we did a lot of breath work, and I kept asking her for strength cuz it was so hard at times and I just wanted to quit. But as usual, Carol gave me the strength to move through it.

Kelly, please know that if there is any thing that I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask. And the next time I cruz up to my mom's, I'll give you a call to see if you are interested in getting a massage. I kinda blend everything I know, Thai Massage, Sports massage, Healing Touch, Swedish, TuiNa etc.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I that I send you lots of love all of the time.

Namaste my dear friend,

Sheri

Going to Europe

How do two people who love each other and want to grow old together talk about dying? If you talk about dying it’s as if one or the other has given up. Like, the very conversation itself has some mystical power of bring death just by saying it. Denial is an advocate of this and our minds use it to protect ourselves from saying anything about dying. But let’s face it, some things need to be said.

Carol’s mother died tragically in an automobile accident in 1999. I remember going through the grieving process with her. How she healed from that is a blueprint that I try to follow today. One of Carol’s family members had a hard time with the death of Carol’s mother. The family member decided that they were simply going to think Carol’s mother was on vacation in Europe. This gave birth to the ‘code’ word that Carol and I used to talk about her death, Going to Europe.

We would laugh out load ever time we would start out by saying, “When (I)(you) go to Europe…” I can’t tell you how important that was to me and her. I’ll share one conversation we had about Going to Europe. We were driving down Arrow on our way to the mall. She said, “You know when two people love each other very much and one is going to die? And that the one who is going to die tells the other that after they die they want them to meet someone and continue on with life? Well, that doesn’t apply to you. When I go to Europe I want 10 years of misery out of you.” We both started laughing.

We used Going to Europe to talk about the details of things. Our hopes and fears and wishes. I hope this helps someone out there who is living with someone who is ill. They need to talk about details, fears, or wishes but don’t know how to talk about it without sounding like they have given up. You don’t have to use our ‘code’ word. Make up your own. Once you do, you’ll be surprised how easy it is to start talking about it.

Headstone Part 2

I got the letter yesterday saying her headstone had been placed. I know some of you asked to have me post a picture of it so here it is...

I hope everyone approves.

...happy birthday?

I wasn’t going to say anything and let the day go buy quietly without any fan fair. But Carol loved my birthday. She always made a big deal out of it. She knew I didn’t care and loved that in annoyed the hell out of me. It would give her the giggles. Today is also 5 months since she died. I’m at work. So far so good. I’m a bit shaky but that is to be expected. I don’t feel like I’m floundering in an open ocean with no land in sight. Just sad.

I’m looking forward to Vegas. I want to relax Saturday by the pool, read a book, maybe get a massage (the real kind). Friday I’ll walk around a bit. Listen to some music. Saturday night is where I’ll get down to some serious gambling. I like to play craps so I expect to be spending some time at the table. I’m thinking of pay some Texas Hold’m newbie tax. Meaning, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing but want to try and play because I love to watch it on TV. Because I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m sure I’m going to not do well. But I just have to give it a shot. It’s Vegas right?

I have another post I’m going to make today so check back in at the end of the day.

For all the people out there that have sent prayers my way, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It might have made a difference…

Vegas Baby!

I did it. I’ve been wavering back and forth about going back to Vegas. I went last time the day after Carol’s funeral. It was not a good idea and came right home. I didn’t even put a quarter in a slot machine. This time I feel a lot better and am looking to gamble, see some friends, and have a good time. I have kept looking at it and going as far as clicking on the purchase button and then chicken out. Not this time. I’m going to Vegas the weekend of the 24 of Aug. Staying at the MGM Grand. Think of it as a late birthday present to myself.

I can’t wait!

Jack Bauer vs. Jason Bourne

Jack Bauer vs. Jason Bourne, who would win.? I mean, Jack had gotten out of more jams in 15 min than what seems possible for any human. I think his current body count for 5 days is like 60? I could be wrong on that but he sure has killed a lot of people. Jason on the other hand has no memory of who he was but has perfect memory on how he did what he did. So if the two were head to head with Jack on a mission to kill Jason, would Jason survive or would Jack complete the mission?

As you can tell I went to see the latest Bourne movie with Cambria and friends in Simi Valley. What a great F’n movie! I recommend it to anyone who likes action movies. I think it was the best of the three.

That’s all. No drama, no more excursions into area’s I don’t belong. Just me, a movie with friends, hanging out at home with the cats and watch’n TV. Watched Tiger yesterday win another major. It’s good to be alive today.

Routine

Up until now I do my best to get through each day. Until recently, my life has been mostly spent re-acting to things rather that acting to things. Meaning I never seem to have the initiative on each day. I get up go to work and deal with what is given me. I come home and deal with what I feel or think that day. But I can't seem to get into a rhythm of life. Carol was good at that. She had a routine of things that needed to get done and she seemed to always get them done. Me on the other and, can't seem to get anything going on a regular basis.

I suppose a part of the problem is that I'm inherently lazy with a slight case of the procrastination. The thing about grief is whatever issues you had before the loss will still be waiting for you when you start to get through things. So here I am now and my character flaws are still here. Not only do I have to learn to a new way of life, I still have to work on my underlining issues that where there before Carol died.

So, How does one do that? Start a routine that is.

sex

First let me apologize to all the people out there who are close to me and Carol and may be very offended by this post. I’m not going to be graphic or disrespectful in anyway. But I am going to be candid and honest about it too. Why? Because sex is a part of grief just like everything else. People don’t talk about it and pretend its not important or something to suppress. How can I have a genuine blog about the loss of my wife and never talk about what it has been like to lose sex?

I have found that after Carol died, I have been able to learn to fill in and take care of the things she did. I’ve learned to watch my money. Pay my bills on time. I have a gardener to take care of the yard. I found time to take my car into the shop. I take my shirts and slacks into the dry cleaners and pick them up. Fixed the sprinkler when it broke. All of these things I have been able to be taken care of by me or with the help of someone else.

But what about sex?

How dose someone take care of that need? I understand that some people do not see it as a need and don’t give it very much attention. (Friends and family look away for a moment) But Carol and I really enjoyed it. Sex was a part of our lives just as all the other things in our lives. The last year was very difficult for us. I won’t go into details, I’m sure you can use your own imagination to see what I’m talking about. I would always be concerned and afraid. Because she could bleed at any moment, I would always be worried when… Although people may not want to see Carol in that way, I can tell you as her husband; Carol was a woman with needs and was very satisfied with getting them met. During the last year though, for me, I was always reserved and cautious.

Here I am now, 5 months later. I know I’ve said before that I am committed to a live of celibacy for one year. I also said I didn’t know if it was unrealistic or setting myself up for failure. I received a lot of encouraging words telling me to stay focused on being a widow and working on learning to live a life alone. Some people want me to move on when the time is right and start a new life with someone else. Not right now, but in time.

It is with great regret that I share that I was not able to keep that commitment. As I go on here, please continue reading through to the end.

The Internet is a wonderful/terrifying thing. I was able, with time and patience, find and locate another person who was willing to fulfill each of our needs. I wont give any further details other than that she was a great person and all our needs where met.

Now let me talk about the next day. Well, it really wasn’t the next day because I never slept. I stayed up all night and went right into work at 6am the next day. What the “F” was I thinking? I’m not 29 anymore. I can’t stay up all night and go into work the next day. I did my best and went home.

And then it hit. Guilt, Shame, and Depression. How could I do this? I’m not that type of person. I had made arrangements to meet again but this time she was coming over to my house. I was panicked. I didn’t want that. I called and talked to some friends. Some of what I was going through was related to not having any sleep. Some of it was the experience itself. I emailed her and told her I didn’t think it was good to meet again.

I went to the store for the first time in a long time. I got good food to eat. For the first time I felt completely comfortable shopping by myself and for myself. At home, I put things away, cleaned the cat box, watch TV, had some dinner. The feeling I was alone was not painful. It was peaceful. When I went to bed I had this feeling that I wanted to be in bed alone. For the first time I felt comfortable and safe alone in my bed. I didn’t want anyone else there with me.

I guess sometimes it’s easier to know what we don’t want rather than what we do want. I had to be with someone before I could know I didn’t want to be with someone. I am so grateful that I did not have to do that with someone who is very close to me. I’m grateful that I still have my friendships.

Compelled

I am amazed at the different people from all over the world who are coming to visit this blog. In a way I feel compelled to write something each day. However that would take away what I think brings people here, genuineness. I am not writing ‘for’ people but ‘to’ people about my journey. I try to be as detailed and explicit as I can without compromising other people’s privacy. I try not to hold back my feelings, emotions, or thoughts. Also, I’d like to think this is not a wall to splatter self-pity on. This tragic loss has devastated my foundation as a person and my identity. I recently told a friend that people die everyday. For each person who dies, there are many left behind to morn. If you think about it, at any given moment, half the population of the world is morning the death of a loved one. That means most of humanity spends most of its time grieving the death of others. It’s strange that grief, as a solitary event, is experience by so many people at any given moment…

On a happier note, August has continued to be kind to me. Nothing major has occurred that is of blog worthy to write about. I hope all is well for everyone.

kel

Suicide

“What?!” You say. What happened to a drama free August? Relax. Today will be an average day I promise.

For all that I’ve gone through, for all that I’ve shared, why hasn’t the topic of suicide ever come up? Is it that I don’t think about it? Or if I do, don’t want to talk about it? How can someone who loved as deeply as I’ve loved, participated in a beautiful relationship, and had a day to day physical companion not think about suicide?

About 5 or 6 years ago suicide is something I thought a lot about. Back then, the idea of going on and living without Carol was very painful. I couldn’t imagine life without her. I made up my mind that if or when she died, I would follow soon after.

Over the last few years I watched as Carol fought to live. She wanted nothing more than to continue living another day. She loved life more than anything and by shear willpower, somehow continued to recover from life ending events. I believe if it wasn’t for her arteries giving out, she would still be here today and this blog would not be here. After last year's ‘event’, I started to think about her dying each day. I worried it could happen at any minute on any day. What would I do? How would I go on? Would I end my life? The answer is obvious to me today; I can not throw away something that Carol valued more than anything, Life. To willingly give up something she would give anything to have is something beyond my ability to articulate in words.

Now don’t miss understand me either. The depth and degree of pain, loss and loneliness has been so pronounced that I just feel like dying. Feeling like I want to die is different than Wanting to die. I don’t want to die. But sometimes the pain gets so great I just want it to stop and dying seems to be the only option for it to end. I don’t know how but I seem to make it through those moments.

I’m coming up on my 5 month mark. I have made some terrible mistakes along the way. I may have lost a great friendship. However, I have made some good decisions and have built stronger friendships with people I hardly knew before. Give and Take. Ebb and Flow. Some of my worst character defects have been free to create a mass of destructions in my relationships. However, some of my character assets have kept me getting up each day with the willingness to continue living.

If you have faced or are going to face a loss such as mine, I hope that this topic helps you.

Hello August

Hello August, I hope your going to be nicer than July. I know, I know July would say it had nothing to do with it. That it was all me. Fine, I'll accept that. But you, August, I'll do my best to keep my side of the street clean and you stop throwing shit at me? Deal?

Today was a boring day. I got up, went to work, worked hard, came home, ate some fruit, and watched TV. I'd say August is on a good start to keep it's end of the deal.

Kel

GoodBye July

It's late and I need to goto bed. I'm going back to work tomorrow. I've been mostly pain free today. The doctor took a look at me today and said I didn't need surgery but that it was still large enough that he could lance it again and get more of the blood clots out. I thought about it for oh, say a micro second, and said "No!" I'll let it run it's course.

Looking back at the month of July I'm left with this feeling of "How did I make it through this?" Ok, I know that's not a feeling but I mean, gezz, that was a lot of heavy shit. I was driving home tonight and was thinking, I want August to be normal. No pain, no drama, no depression, no doing anything major. I just want to get through one month where all I do is go to work, come home, cook a meal, go out and see friends, and come home. Wash and repeat.

So with that I hope that you all get board with me during the month of August because I want to make it as normal and boring as possible.

Wish me luck.

GoodBye July.

Pain Part 3.1

I had a few hours last night from about 6 - 10pm completely pain free. This morning however I'm not so lucky. I have a consult with the surgeon at 3pm today. I hope I don't have to do it. Everything I read or hear from others says the surgery and the recovery after is very very painful. I'm not alone though. Doc. Wendy said she would be there with me during the surgery. I have a few others who have stepped up and been able to help out with getting me food and stuff.

So now I sit and wait till 3pm...

Update: 3:45pm - No sugery. Thank you god.

Pain Part 3

Final Diagnosis: Thrombosed Hemorrhoid

That's what is says on the paper anyway. Before I start, some of you may wonder why I'm putting such intimate details about my health on here. Trust me, towards the end I will share how this fits into my Journey.

Saturday afternoon I notice some pain from hemorrhoids. No big deal I get them and can let it run it course. However by Saturday night I knew something was very different. I was in San Diego to see friends. By 11pm I knew something was very wrong. The pain was very very bad. I was with a friend and they had to drive me home. Sunday I tried all the treatments I could find on the Internet. Nothing was working. As I was trying to find a treatment, I found a site that talked about a serious condition that is very painful and needs to be looked at right away. The size of mine was very disturbing to me and with the pain I was in, decided to go to the ER.

I never, never wanted to step foot in that "ER" again. That should give you some kind of idea the level of pain I was in. To willingly walk back into the ER where I waited to be told my wife died 4 months ago, is an example of the level of pain. I had to wait 2 hours before I was finally seen.

I was examined and was told it was not the serious kind but that they needed to lance it and get out all the blood clots. For the next 30 min, I was in hell. There was apparently a lot of blood clots. It took some time to dig them all out. How this relates to my Journey is this, while I was experiencing one of the worst physical painful moments of my life, I never felt so alone. If Carol was here, she would have been with me and held my hand and helped me through it. But she wasn't and I had to go through it alone.

A friend showed up at the ER when the procedure was finished and I was able to go home. He went to the pharmacy and got the two medications I needed. I was grateful someone was there to help. I had earlier sent out some text messages that I was in pain.

Update: I had to stay home today for a follow up from yesterday. The doctor took one look and said I need to see a surgeon. Looks like I get to see the surgeon tomorrow at 3pm. Lucky me.

Carol's Death

The Day Before:

It was March 14, a Wednesday. I had a commitment on Wed night and didn't get home till 9:30pm. As usual, I go straight to bed because I have to get up early. Carol would always tuck me in. She knew I needed to sleep but wanted to talk to me so bad. She would start to ask a question or two then it would be like 15 min later. She would smile and never felt bad she was keeping me up. As always, she would kiss me, say she loved me and turn out the light.

I suffer from not being able to sleep. I would toss and turn and would end up going out to the couch. Sometimes Carol would cough so much that I would have to do that also. So it was not uncommon for me to sleep on the couch. It was a way to break my mind off of whatever it was fixed on that was keeping me from sleeping. I laid on the couch and Carol was sitting in the chair reading. But she wasn't actually reading. I looked at her and she had this terrified look on her face. She was crying.

Through whispered tiers she said, "I'm afraid something bad is going to happen."

Till the day I die I will never be able to erase that memory. Those were her last words to me. We never spoke again. I just laid there and tried some comforting words but knew there was nothing I could do. I had been here before with her time and time again. I all I could do was be loving and warm. Sometimes comfort does not require words just a look of compassion. Shortly after, sleep was still not working so I went back to bed.

March 15, 2007

I woke up and got ready for work. As usual we had a thing we always did in the morning. Just as she would tuck me in at night, I would always kiss her in the morning, say I love you and have a great day. She would always wake up, open her eyes and say I love you too and have a great day. Every morning. Except for this day. You may not believe this, you may think I'm embellishing details after the fact. But this is true. Sometimes I would get a feeling that I should stay home. I had done so before in the past. Carol would always get mad and worry about my job but later would be grateful I did. She would either be physically feeling bad or mentally, or both. Staying home always helped her through the day. That morning, getting ready for work, I almost stayed home. But I had just started a new job and didn't want to start getting in trouble again. When I kissed her goodbye and said I loved her, she did not open her eyes or say anything back. I will have to live with that the rest of my life.

11:50am
I was helping someone with a new software installation. I had just figured out what was going wrong and went back to my desk. My new boss said that my old boss, Betty, was trying to reach me. She was on speaker phone in his office. I went in.

"Kelly the Upland PD is trying to reach you. Carol has been transported to the hospital." she said.

Now let me pause here a moment. When you live with someone who can die any moment you think about them dying everyday. But it's just a thought and you go on. When the actual call comes your mind wants to go there but it can't.

I left and got in my car and drove to the hospital. I remember my mind being raged by my thoughts. "Its ok", I told myself "she has had this happen before. She'll make it to the hospital, go on a vent and in a few days come off like last time. It's not a bid deal, we've been here before and made it out ok." However, I did not know any details about why she was transported. What if it was something minor. Carol would be very upset if nothing was serious and here I was thinking she is dying or worse. I can see the look on her face. "You'd give up on me that easy?" she would say. No hun, I wouldn't. I kept telling myself over and over, don't give up hope, don't give up hope.

I arrived at the ER. I was, obviously, in a panic. I asked for Carol. The nurse looked on the computer screen and did not see her name. It was 12:15. That was not a good sign. She said she would go look in the back. A few minutes went by and she started to walk back. Now, my powers of observation are on max level. I'm tuned to see anything that can give me any indication of what is going on. When she came back I saw her make eye contact with me and quickly look away. She avoided eye contact until she walked back up to the window. She said Carol was still in the ambulance and they are trying to find a room. I knew she was lying.

I waited. Waited. Waited.

In July when this happened they took me back to her room as soon as I got there. They wanted to know what medications she was on, etc, etc. No one was coming out to ask any questions. "Don't give up hope! Don't give up hope!" is what I kept saying over and over to myself. Finally I saw a doctor come out and motion for me. As I walk up he pointed away from the ER. "We have a private room over here." is what he said.

"Don't give up hope! Don't give up hope!"

He put me in a room by myself and told me someone would be coming to see me soon. It had been 20 min since I arrived. I waited alone.

"Don't give up hope! Don't give up hope!"

Finally the original doctor and a new one walked in. They asked what condition Carol had that would make her bleed. I told him she had Cystic Fibrosis.

"Don't give up hope! Don't give up hope!"

"I'm sorry to tell you your wife died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital." The doctor said.

The pain. The reality. The pain.

I was left alone for awhile and finally taken to another room. I sent a text message out to my friends that Carol had died. They put me in a room with a social worker. Within one minute I was very close to yelling at her to shut the F up. I can't remember now what it was she kept saying but it was clearly inappropriate. Then the door open. Brandi walked in and I was finally not alone anymore. Some time later Carol's sister came and then Cousin Merle and Dona. We had to wait a long time for them to clean the blood. After an hour I was finally able to see her. I sat with her for a few minutes. I kissed her and told her I loved her.

When I got home Brandi and Chris where just finishing cleaning up all the blood. With in an hour 20 people were at my house. Most stayed until 2am. At about 6pm I got a call from the organ donor program. I was surprised because as ravaged as Carol's body was I didn't think there was any opportunity for donor. I spent an agonizing hour on the phone with them going over every detail of Carol's medical history. At a few points, I just wanted to scream and hang up. But I hung in there and finally got to the end. Six weeks later I got a letter saying that two women in Florida had their eye sight returned from Carol's donation. I cried.

So that's it. I can't write much more about that day.

580 Visits from 54 Cities

Los Angeles 177
Seattle 87
Irvine 70
Riverside 24
Portland 19
Midland 13
Saginaw 13
New York 11
Chicago 9

Just thought I’d share some of the data I look at each day. Not sure why, but it helps me to think about who these people are, what is going on in there lives. What has happened to them in their lives that make them want to be a part of my tragic life? I don’t know who you are and don’t want to ask you to come out of lurk mode. I just wanted you to know that I see you come visit each day and hope that you find some kind of comfort here.

I have updated my profile to include my email address. Anyone is welcome to send me an email which I will be more than happy to reply to.

Hope Part 1

Odd title. But really, with grief, one day offers a slight ray of hope, others the dark clouds of doom to be followed with another day of hope. On again, off again. Up and down. Keep your eye on the ball as Kelly tries to make it through this. Is he up or is he down? Happy or sad?

I couldn’t get up to work out on Monday. That was a bad thing. I think exercise is to depression what oxygen is to living. You simply need it. To go with out it very long is a one way ticket to doom. This morning I didn’t want to get up and go to the gym. But I made myself do it. I got there and was weak and tired. I haven’t been eating well or not at all. But once I started stretching and getting warmed up I was a little ready for my work out with Jack. At first it was hard but half-way through my strength started to come back and I felt stronger and had more energy. At the end I felt better.

On my way to work something happened. I felt a little hope. Not a lot but just a little. I have a close friend that says I need to stay focused and work on me. What does that mean exactly? If its work then that means I can do a lot, more often right? That’s what I’m used to doing at work, over achieving. But I don’t think you can over achieve at recovering from grief. I feel so frustrated that I am forced to wait the process out. What I think it means is I have to work on doing the things each day that I need to do. See, I’m alone now and have to learn to adjust to my life this way. Learn to pay the bills, manage my income and budget, take care of the house, eat healthy, go to work and stay focused on my job, take care of my spiritual health and be there to help my friends. It’s easy to get detracted and run from my loss. The work part is staying focused on the present.

Trust

With mind, body and spirit devastated by grief, how does one trust oneself? My spirit is wrecked with grief, my body is in pain, and my mind believes everything I see. I am constantly frustrated at my lack understanding of what is going on with me. If I can’t trust myself, how do I trust others? The only thing I seem to be able to do right is continue each day by getting up and doing what I’m expected to do that day.

Last Week

Starting last Sunday this has been a very hard week. With depression on Sunday into Monday, packing up all of Carol’s things, the anniversary of Carol’s near death experience, and a few other things I can’t blog about, I’m surprised I survived it at all. I’m at work right now. I’m feeling like I’m in shock or a numbing shock. The pain is still here but not as intense as yesterday. I’m trying to get used to it. I have this thought that it might be like this for awhile. People live with chronic pain all the time, why should this be any different?

I keep trying to think my way out of this. If only I look at it like “this” or like “that” I’ll change the way I feel. Its work before but this last week it has felt like a band aid on a sucking chest wound. I don’t know. I wish I had enough money to take a few months off and heal some more. But I don’t and work would be pissed if I did and I might loss my job. So I have to gut it out.

Pain Part 2.3

It's almost 9:30pm. The pain has reduced to a low level ache. My arms hurt, stomach hurts, legs hurt. But I think I'm through the worst of it. I haven't had a drink in over 23 years. For the first time since Carol died, I thought about drinking. I don't because I saw what it did to my family and decided 23 years ago that I would not end up like they did. I am tired now. I don't know if I can sleep but I'm going to try. I have to work tomorrow and don't know what good I'll be but I'll try.

I am a good person. I did the right thing with Carol each and every day. I loved her every day knowing each day during the last year that she could die at any moment. I never held back, I never ran away. I am a good person.

Pain Part 2.2

I'm sorry for my out burst. I don't want to offend anyone. It's 7:30pm and the pain is still here. I laid in bed and cried for a long time. I said over and over again "It hurts, it hurts." But nothing takes it away. I tried to call people to meet with them but it didn't work out. One of my very best friend is going through their own issue and don't have time for me. I understand. I can't expect people to put their lives on hold every time I feel a tear coming on. I'm reading through Carol's journals. I don't know if it is making it better or worse.

Pain Part 2.1

The fucking Pain! The fucking Pain! It hurts so fucking much! It started last night and again today. All day the fucking Pain! My guts are in a knott and won't stop fucking hurting! Please god stop! Please god stop the Pain!

Pain Part 2

At about 9:45 the pain came. This time I was alone. No one to call, or reach out to. The pain stayed with me until sleep came at 2:30am. At 6am, when I woke up, the pain returned. It is still here. I can think of nothing worse right now than being in pain alone.

One Year Ago

One year ago today

Room Transition

I’m back at work today. It’s getting harder not easier to be here. I wish I had a lot of money and could take a year off work. People here depend on me to be on my game. Unfortunately I am a lead which requires more than just showing up and building software. I plan, communicate, collaborate, etc, etc. I lead new ideas and champion change. When I’m not gutted with grief I seem to do ok with that. But I just don’t have the heart for it today. Some days I just want to be left alone. I guess it’s like my father taught me when I was 6 or 7 years old. “Son,” He said, “want in one hand and shit in the other and tell me which one is heaver.” Funny how some things stick with you.

I didn’t get much done compared to what I wanted done but I got done what I needed done. Make since? I have all of Carol’s clothes out. The dresser and other items are out in the garage. I still need to move the old bed either to the new location in the room or get the guest bed out and move it to the guest bedroom. Still need to go buy new bedroom stuff. And I still need to paint. Brandi said I should paint and decorate around a piece of art. So I went online and bought the Snowstorm by Turner.

I was going to try and make up hours again like I did last week but have decided to just eat the vacation hours and take it easy. Next week I’m going to try and work a normal week and keep doing that from week to week. I have no more travel or other obligations the require days off anymore so I should be able to keep things right. A 53 hour week is hard for me right now.

So, take care everyone. I’m going to take a few days off from blogging, so if you don’t see anything for the next few days, please come back next week.

Things We Keep

"A car sits along the side of a two way highway. Desert surrounds everything. This particular road stretches for days in both directions. One heads west, the other east. Mountains loom on the horizon to the west, the direction the motionless car is pointing. To the east is the dawn light. 1966 Dodge Comet, four door. Dark green exterior color which has become faded over time. The tires are bald. There is no driver, only a passenger sits alone. Inside the only sound is the hazard lights blinking in a rhythm. Yellow light illuminate the inside with each blink. The passenger knows this is the end of the ride. Looking at the highway stretched out ahead, he tries to summon the courage to get out and start walking. "

Yesterday was difficult to say the lest. Brandi came over on time but we both were hunger so went to Nancy's to eat. Afterwards we came back and started into things. Man did Carol have a lot of stuff! We filled 13 garbage bags (I'm getting better) with clothes. Some things I kept, most I did not. Of course we found all her journals. We opened one from her Sophomore year in high School. It starts with "I think I have a hangover but I'm not sure." We both laughed out load over that. I looked at the volumes of writing she has done. I might start a blog just to put all of it out there for everyone to read. Is that wrong?

I mean, we are going through things. Some items meant a great deal to her but to us, they look like an ordinary objects. Something that can easily go in the trash. It is strange the things we keep that are of significant value to use but are meaningless to others. The one thing that is priceless to the individual and the people left behind are our own written words. I would love to share Carols words with anyone who is willing to take the time to read them. Thoughts?

"Out Sick"

I went to work yesterday. I had dressed nice I must say. Logged on my computer and promptly sat there looking at it. I was looking at the monitor, not what was being displayed. I tried to take a walk to get my head into things. Sat down, nothing. Feelings started to overwhelm me. I looked at the clock, 7:30am. Oh no. A few more attempts and I gave up and sent out an email that I was "Out Sick" and going home. That's the truth, right?

In the car on the way home it started. The tiers. Not a lot, but I felt as though I was struggling to hold back something. I got home and had decided I was going to finally start doing something with the house. I got as far as getting undressed to my underwear when it hit. It hit me hard and unexpected. The only safe place I felt was a corner in the kitchen on the floor. I sat there, in my underwear and started to sob. Over and over, wave after wave. Everything I looked at resulted in a flood of memories. I could hear her voice.

After two hours and a box of tissue, I was laying on the floor with my legs up on a chair. My right forearm was resting across my forehead. The crying had stopped, for the moment. A short time later I put some shorts on and a friend came over. We talked, I cried some more. It seems it has come down to the house. I have been putting off getting Carol's stuff boxed up. Painting. Getting new bedroom furniture. I just didn't want to do it. I kept having this vision of putting her things in a garbage bag. A Garbage Bag! I see that and I get gutted. How can I do that to her? I can I put all our memories in a garbage bag and put it out on a curb. That's it? See you later? Time to move on! (Hold on everyone, please I'm just sharing here. Just expressing the raw emotions of my moment.)

I asked Brandi how do I start. How do I get through this? She recommended starting with the place I need to feel the most safe, where I sleep. She recommended the bedroom. So today, she is coming over to help me go through and pack up (like how I avoided the garbage bag reference?) and move out some of the things in the bed room. I am going to move the bed to another part of the room. I want to move my stuff from my closet to hers. Then I want to go and pick out a color for the room and paint. Finally, I found a bed room set that I like. I'm going to buy it.

So I think I'm going to be "Out Sick" (wink) for a few days.

A Visitor Last Night

I had a visitor come see me last night. Came over uninvited but came in just the same. Promptly turned off all the lights then sat with me in the dark at the kitchen table. Sat with me until I started to cry. Waited with me until through a whisper I started to say, “Why Carol? Why did you leave me? I can’t do this. Don’t you see I’m messed up? I can’t do this alone.” Later followed me to the living room where I sat in the dark. Although I called a friend and talked, it knew the call would end and our visit would resume. When I went to sleep it stayed with me. I would wake on occasion and see it still there.

The Visitor’s name is Depression

Widower

I seem to be feeling better today. Better than I have in a few weeks. The task at hand is much clearer to me today. For now, my task is to welcome each day as a widower in grief. Not in the way of morbid depression, but in a way to honor my wife and my marriage. I am not single, far from it. While I was married it was easy to resist temptation, I was in love with my wife and I enjoyed the benefits of each and every day. My mind and body are in a tail-spin since Carol’s death. Nothing is there to protect me from myself. So I have come to the conclusion that if I think of myself as still married I can get through the weak moments. I certainly have plenty of experience to draw upon to help me. However, I’m not fouling myself either.

For me, today, I think of myself as a widower in grief. I wan to give myself a year to honor my process to heal and focus on the things that are important today.

Can I keep this commitment? Am I setting myself up for failure? Is this unreasonable?

Silence

Hi everyone. A lot has been going on in my life as of late. But unfortunately it involves other people. I’m faced with a dilemma of how to journal my real-life experiences but respect the privacy of others.

My home if filled with silence. The only human voice is my own and I hear it only when I talk to the cats or am on the phone. The silence is difficult to handle. I try to turn on as much white noise on as I can. The fan, air purifier, radio, AC, TV, etc, etc. But I can still hear it, the silence. I know I have said this before and I guess I’ll continue to say it until I’m done saying it: I don’t want to be alone. I’m not talking the “get a roommate” alone. I’m talking about living with my best friend. Coming home each day and talking about what happened. Sitting next to each other and watching TV. Sitting on the floor and eating dinner off the coffee table while we watch TV.

Before I met Carol, I never had this in my whole life. I was always alone. I was abandoned as a child and lived from one place to another. Sometimes with people I know sometime with complete strangers. As I got older I preferred to be alone. My relationships before Carol were disasters. I had given up on ever finding anyone and reserved to a life of being alone.

Here I am once again, alone and living in silence. It is like an old friend that has come back into my life but find it awkward. We used to have so much in common but now found it difficult to carry a conversation longer than 5 minutes. The rest of the visit is spent waiting for it to end.

Waiting for it to end.

That is how I spend my time now, waiting for the loneliness to end. There is only one small detail that keeps getting in the way, grief. One of the chief allies of grief is Denial. It is a four star general with a multitude of resources dedicated to planning and executing strategies to accomplish the mission set out. Damn the consequences to anyone near the action. That’s called collateral damage. It happens, or Shit happens. The difference between lying and denial is the difference between lying to others and lying to yourself. You know when your lying to others but have know idea when your lying to yourself.

The only remedy is honesty. Regrettably with denial the honesty comes only after the fact. My life is being devastated my denial. My consequences may be the loss of friendships. Not just the “hey lets watch a movie or have coffee” friendships but the “this is how I feel” friendships. I must try and continue to make a commitment to see this through no matter how painful it is. I keep trying to tell myself that I want to be alone again. If I believe I want to be alone then I can begin to accept it and somehow be happy again. A part of me thinks this is nothing more than trying to play mind games with myself. The fact is that now that I’ve had a significant amount of time being with a great person, I’ll never be happy being alone again. I just need to learn to tolerate it.

Collection Consultant Association

Allow me to introduce to you the lowest form of humanity. They are called the Collection Consultant Association. What they do is take billing discrepancies and send letters to people. Because the have "Collection" in the name people respond out of fear. At first they seem to be helpful and request insurance information. But they have no interest in billing the insurance or they will bill the insurance but not tell you they have and continue to demand full payment. I did some research on them with the BBB. The BBB has given them a rating of "F". This is the worst rating a business can get.

Lucky for me "The Fair Debt Collection Practices Act protects consumers from unfair collection tactics. If you have received a call or a billing for a debt which is unfamiliar to you, check your records carefully before paying the amount. Ask the company to provide proof of the debt. If they fail to do so, you are not required to pay the debt. "

So far they have only provided obscure dates but not specific details of treatment not paid for. I have sent them a letter stating I have filed a complaint with the BBB. Also that I am going to deal with CHOC directly on this issue and that if I receive any more letters or phone calls I'm going to consult the local District Attorney.

And Finally…

…a good dream. But before I share about the good dream I want to share the bad one.

Carol would scream my name. As soon as I heard it I knew what was wrong. I would jump up, run to the oxygen, turn it up to max output and run to the bathroom. She would be standing there coughing up blood. I would put the air on her and tighten up behind her head to keep it in place. Then we would wait for it to get worse or stop. Wait… wait… wait…

I have been waking up at night after hearing her scream my name. I would wake up eyes wide open, my heart racing, and start to jump out of bed before the effects of waking up would kick in. Just before I would get out of bed I would realize it was a dream. I would lie down again and wait to relax. Wait… wait… wait…

Last night I had a different dream. We sat in the kitchen for hours and talked. The sad part is I can’t remember details of what we talked about. I can only guess and my guess will be from a strictly self-centered point of view. But I have a strong feeling that we talked about how I am doing. I believe she was telling me she is happy with how I’ve been doing and approves of the people I have decided to hang out with. I remember I was saying something and for some reason walked out of the kitchen into the entry way. When I didn’t hear her response I turned to look back in the kitchen. She was gone. I looked around and started calling her name but then remembered she is gone. I woke up feeling happy. Finally, a good dream.

Should it Stay or Should it Go?

I returned to Palm Springs at 2ish on Saturday. A few hours after my post "Pain". Later that night after talking with friends I came around to feeling better. Afterwords I thought about my post. Should it stay or should it go?

I am re-learning lessons. Lessons that I thought I had graduated from. Thought I'd never have to take that class again. I passed the test once before, why take it again? But when someone is dealing with Perception the lesson is never done, the test always prone to fail, and graduation is never going to happen.

I count on my Perception of things around me. I look, think, and based on previous experience, make judgements. But Perception is like playing craps. Sooner or later the shooter hits the seven before the point and everyone who is perceiving the shooter will win, will loose. That's what happened to me. I bet that what I saw and what I thought, based on my previous experience, was absolute truth. The Seven came up and I was absolutely wrong. The one thing I'm leaving out is my actions based upon my judgements. This is where people get hurt.

So what do I do about my actions of my Post based upon my judgement? The people who know, know. People who think they know and don't will pass judgement on me and others. And then there are the visitors to my blog that don't have any idea of what I'm talking about. I have made my direct amends. Do I delete the Post as a part of my amends or do I leave it as a record of my journey?

For now, I'm going to leave it. In some way I see this as a part of my journey. I think that people with similar experiences will identify with my feelings without knowing any details. They will know they are not alone in this process. It might give them hope and the courage to live in spite of making the occasional mistake.

So for today, it Stays.