Absences

I apologize for my absences as of late. I wanted to post something on the six month anniversary of Carol’s death but didn’t. The sign here at work is still counting the days from the day Carol died so I was well aware of day 180. I was a bit perplexed about that. Is six months 180 days, the calendar date, or the week day? So I got rapped up in the dilemma of the question and let it just go right on by.

I have been seeing someone to talk about my problems. It started about 2 months ago. He is a nice guy and helps me a lot. He says I have PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When he said that I laughed out loud! He asked why I was laughing. I said the last 18 months has been PTSD. Then here was a long pause….

This presents a problem I’m having, Intimacy. Or being to open and imitate with people. It comes from having spent 10 years with someone who was my best friend. Someone I could talk to about anything and everything. When I meet people I just open up and start letting things flow. I’m quickly learning this is not appropriate. It’s difficult for me to be isolated and private towards people. I’m used to being open and honest about anything. But that is not how things are and I have to learn to adapt to the situation.

I’m questioning my use of this blog. Originally, I wanted to be open and frank about what I’m going through. Hold nothing back. I can’t tell you how free it feels to put things out there. But now I’m keeping things back and not sharing about what is going on. Is that right? Do I loose the appeal that this blog has by withdrawing and withholding? Should I be open and tell what’s going on even if some people my not like what I have to say? Or approve of how I am dealing with my loss?

I don’t know anymore. I’m feeling like I’m a lone survivor on a life boat who’s ship as just sank at sea. I’m alone and waiting. Waiting for rescue that I know is coming. But knowing it is coming doesn’t make it happen faster. All I can do is wait…