Future Tripping

In curtain circles I run in we have an expression, “Future Tripping”. It means we start to Trip out on our fears of what the Future might bring. We look at where we are today and what we are doing and jump to the future and start to freak out.

I guess I’ve been doing that lately. It’s hard not to do that. The place I am at today is filled with indecision and waiting. Indecision about what I should do with my life and waiting for my grief to take me to a place where I’m healthy enough to make a decision.

With that said, I’ll share a bit on what its been like recently. First, August was very good to me. With the exception of my little excursion, it has been pain free. No major gut wrenching pain. So I want to thank August for being so kind to me and tell September I expect more of the same.

Next is what I feel like today. It’s strange. I feel sad but I don’t cry. I can sit in my chair at home watch TV and actually laugh out load at funny shows. All by myself. When I think of Carol I don’t spiral into pain or sorrow. I go to memories that are pleasant to think about. I don’t sit and imagine her dying like I used to.

Finally, I guess I’m just doing ok. I am doing better at work than ever before. Better than before Carol died. My days go by fast. My nights are spent having fun with great friends. My weekends have been spent in my house because it’s been like 180 frigin degrees outside. But I still enjoyed being home. This weekend I plan to ride my bike all weekend. I’d like to ride to the beach.

That’s all for now. I want to thank everyone who keeps coming here and checking on me. Sorry I’ve not been very active lately. I’ll try to write more this month. It helps me to stay in the present and not spend too much time Future Tripping.