Christmas Part 1

Carol died in March of 2007. That holiday season was very hard. Carol loved Christmas and the holidays. She had a ton of decorations that are all in boxes over the garage. Each year I would take them down and she would pack stuff up around the house and put holiday stuff in it's place. Then afterwards, she would put it all back away and I would heave it back up in the rafters.

The year Carol died I couldn't bring myself to decorate. For one, I had no idea how to do it. She always did it. Her family always has a gathering on Christmas eve. It has been a long standing tradition for a very long time. I knew that I would be encouraged to attend. I didn't know if I would till a few hours before it was time to go. I ended up going and it was very difficult.

The next year I decided to go to vegas. I kinda liked it actually. There are very few people there during Christmas and the rates are very good. I almost thought about making this my new tradition but missed seeing everyone.

This year I felt ready to bring everything down from the rafters. I had shared with some friends that I was going to decorate this year and every time I saw them they would ask, "did you do it yet?" I finally got it all down and started going through everything. My god did she have a lot @#$%! OMG! I have no idea what half of it is supposed to be used for! So I gave up and just put up the tree. Carol liked the tree most of all.

The tree came up and I hung the ornaments all by my self. I had never done that before. It was kinda fun. Then I got all excited about wrapping presents. Before I knew it, the tree was full of presents.

The morning of Christmas came and within a few hours, the front room looked like a Christmas bomb had gone off! Through all of it I never felt sad.

So it is time to move on. Time to let go. Time to heal.

Good bye.

Anger Part 2

Anger is important to the grief process. The expression and feelings help heal the heart and soul. But it is also the most dangerous part of the grief process. Anger is like fire; it is important but very dangerous. Anger can be used to help heal but must be controlled during the healing process.

So it is with an angry heart that I write this. My anger wants to give details and lash out. It's good that I can feel it and express the feeling. Fire is used to clear brush away from a home. But if not watched carefully it can also burn down the house. I don't want to burn down my house.

People will say things because it is a nice things to say and it helps them feel better. Both the person saying it and the person hearing it. Words become meaning when put to a test. It is during the test that the persons meaning is shown to be true or just empty getures. Rather than hurt the person and tell the truth they lie until it is put to the test. In the end, it still hurts. That is not to say the person doesn't still care or love the other person. It just means they didn't want to hurt that person at that moment. Or it was a simple easy thing to say and never ever thought it would ever be put to the test.

What was said to me was put to the test.

I am not family.

Workshop Sat at 9am (TIME UPDATE)

For anyone interested I have been asked to do a workshop on being a caregiver. It is at 9am Sat local to the area I live. If your interested and want to attend, send me an email and I'll give you more details.

Happy Thanks Giving everyone. I am grateful for the love and support of all my friends and family. It's taken almost three years to say that and mean it. Time truly takes time...

Kel

Changes

I've decided to continue to blog. However, my blog content is going to start to change be less interesting for some of you. My life is different today than it was 5, 3, or 2 years ago. Grief has become less of an issue in life today than it was a year or 2 years ago. Even though grief is less of an issue I still miss blogging my thoughts, relationships with friends and what I'm doing.

I'm going to make some changes to the blog layout. Change the main header and some of the description content. I will start to make the transition from a survivor of grief to a normal everyday guy who is in a 'on again - off again - on again' relationship, working, and going to school. I'm not sure what would be inviting to people to come and read. Sounds sort of dull to me but writing is still a therapeutic experience for me. A part of me missed writing how I've been healing and progressing but my life has changed so much that it has become more about living than surviving.

The orginal purpose of my blog has changed. I thought about creating another blog but decided to keep this one and hope that the people who read it will forgive the transition from a grief survivor to an everyday normal kind of guy.

Kel

"It's Complicated"

On Facebook (Which I'm on BTW http://www.facebook.com/navykel) there is an option for relationships. I'm tempted to put "It's Complicated" there....

Darcy moved back in and is in the process of looking to buy a house. You would think in times like theses that buying a home would be at a premium. But actually it's not. The only options for homes under $250k are ones that are owned buy the banks. The conditions are deplorable. Every home she has looked at is going to require at lest 10 - 30 thousand to repair. So in the mean time, we are back together while she looks for a home to buy. It's complicated....

Single Again Part 2

Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again expecting different results....

BREAKTHROUGH

Before Carol died I had plans. I had goals. I had dreams. When I moved in with her in 1997, I was full of dreams about doing this or doing that. My mind was always coming up with this idea or that idea. Most of it was nonsense but once in awhile I came up with something cool. It was this drive that lead to me going to school to get my MBA. It was this drive that lead me to a job fair that lead to a job in software development. Up until Carol died my mind was always thinking about something.

Then it stopped...

Gone...

Empty...

Nothing...

Like a channel has gone off the air and all you hear is static. I learned to live with it. I was given an opportunity to return to my old program and travel for them. I was able to capitalize on my experience and on site support for problems or issues that would come up time to time. I have a very broad skill set that enable me to travel and do multiple task normally associated with different people. I would sit and wonder to myself sometimes, "what happened to my dreams, goals, and plans"?

I would think about doing this or doing that but there was never any energy behind it. No motivation or creative ideas that would come to me like opening a water facet. I had given up, resigned to the fate of going through the rest of my life this way. I wasn't happy about it but my attempts to force the issue failed every time. It was just gone.

BREAKTHROUGH

My program recently laid off about 50% of our team. I was fortunate to dodge the layoffs but it got me thinking about what I'm going to do now? There is a good chance the contract will extend three more years. I started thinking about what can I be doing to be in a competitive position in three years.

Before Carol died I had flirted around with the idea of getting my PhD in Information Technology. I would come up with crazy ideas of what to do research on and I wanted to teach at a university part time. But the time and commitment was too much for me to realistically take on with Carol being sick. After she died I thought about it some more but I had no drive or ambition to do anything. Plus my mind had been short circuited from the loss and I knew the academic demands would be too much for me. So I gave up and moved on.

Recently I have been talking to people about it again. Still no spark but at lest I was talking about it. Then things started to happen. Slow at first but as each idea start to spark another idea it started to take up momentum. I looked into a couple of local PhD programs but they all wanted GMAT or GRE scores. I looked at a few sample test and felt a wave of disappointment. There is no way I could take or pass these exams after being out of school for nine years. It would take me a year just to get up to the point of maybe, just maybe getting the score needed.

Then I remember talking to an online university while I was still with Carol. I found the original email and asked if the person was still there. She was and we started talking again. Before I knew it I was submitting my application for the PhD program in Information Technology with an concentration in Project Management. I start November 8th. There is a high probability I can complete my dissertation by December 2011.

That's not the best part. The best part is once I started thinking about going back my mind seemed to break free and ideas started to come to me. One built on top of the other. Before I knew it I had a clear idea of what my thesis will be on. For the first time since Carol died I feel normal again with respects to how my mind worked.

I have dreams again...

I have goals again...

I have ambitions again...

I am alive again

29 Days

It's been 29 days since Darcy and the gang moved in. I'm still happy with the decision and so are they. The mood and atmosphere of the house is different now that there are people living in it. I've cooked twice on the barbecue. that is more times than I have in three years...

There are still residual stuff around the house of Carol's disease. In the bathroom on a low shelf way in the back was about 500 insulin needles. You would think that you could take them to a pharmacy to be donated but no you can't. I ended up taking them to the fire department and having them destroyed as bio waist. Shame. Believe it or not, I still had not transferred any of the utilities into my name. I had no need to do so before and it was all set up to auto pay when due. So I never really took any effort to transfer the name into mine. I finally had to do it though. The last thing to do is the checking account.

Darcy and the kids seem to becoming more comfortable in the house. They also seem to be very respectful of the house and helping me take care of it. I like that.

I keep looking at this blog and wondering what to do. I look at who has been coming to read it and am amazed at the fact that new and old people seem to come here almost every day. Not in larger numbers but ones or twos here and there. I feel guilty that I don't or haven't written anything. It must be disappointing to come visit ever day and see nothing. However, healing from grief requires letting go to some degree. I can see now how easy it is to hang on to grief. It feels like standing on the edge of a diving board with my toes on the board and my heals over the edge. It would be just too easy to fall back into the depression, sadness and emptiness of the loss of Carol. The only way to keep her alive in my mind is through the memory of the pain of her loss. To let go of the pain seems to be letting go of her. To let go of her is the fear I'll forget her. I know this sound dumb; how could I ever forget her. I don't want to live that way though. I don't want to be sad and alone for the rest of my life despite the part of me that wants to do that.

It's been 29 days.
It's been 29 happy days.

Kel

No Title Part 2

I didn't put a title cause I'm not quite sure what to call this. First let me bring people up to date.

I was working in Vandenberg last week. I was surprised that Friday came alone and I went, "Oh Shit! I forgot Carol's Birthday! (which was on the 7th)" I had a mix of emotions. I felt kinda good cause I didn't dwell on it. But felt bad that I forgot.

Now for the big news...(drum roll)....
I asked Darcy, the lady I've been dating for about 8 months, to move in. (gasp).

I'm not sure how everyone will take this. Some will think it is too soon, others might be happy that I can start to live another life now or some don't really care one way or the other. It has been something I've been thinking about for some time. I have 4 hour drives to Lompoc when I go up there and back. So I would pass the time thinking about things. One of the things I would think about is asking Darcy to move in. During a conversation about her moving to an apartment next door where she was living for more room I happen to bring up the question if she wanted to move in. After a lot of talk we came to the agreement to give it a try.

She moved in for the most part this weekend. We are taking scuba diving lessons this weekend and the next. We are both looking forward to doing that. One of her daughters came over on Sunday to see Darcy for Mother's Day. I was showing them the around the house. I heard later that when I showed them the office I happen to mention that was Carol's computer bla bla bla. Afterwards she told her mother it kinda looked like Carol was still there. The desk and computer is still the way she left it. Grief is strange that way.

Even after clearing out a ton of stuff grief still happens to find a few things to hang on to. Darcy told her daughter that is they way it is going to be with a few things. She accepts that which is one of the reasons I like her and felt good about her moving in. She is willing to allow me to continue to heal from my grief. I'm sure if it got too bad or too creepy she might not feel that way. For now though, having her desk the way it is didn't seem to bug her that much. I do plan to move the desks out of the office and into the bedroom. So in a short period of time the office will not look the way it is now.

So what do you think blog-fans?

2 Years + 15 Days

It's been two years and 15 Days since I got the call at work that devistaed my life. When Carol died that day so did a part of me. I will never be a husband to her again, I will never be a partner in life with her again. Alone, I had to face each day. Some were normal, some were hard, some were... well, harder.

Yesterday I finally threw out her purse. It had been sitting under her desk untouched for two years. I would always see it every time I would go in my office. I had a stack of mail that needed shredding and as I sat at her table shredding paper I kept looking at it. Finally I reached down, took out all the credit cards and shred them. I took her Drivers License and ID and put in my safe. (not sure why) and went through her purse. It hurt. Nothing was of any value in it. Then, just like that, I dumped it in the trash.

I plan on more house cleaning like that. I know I've said it before but I need to redecorate the house to be more of me. It is still all Carol. I still haven't painted over her writing in the bedroom wall. It still says "Carol & Kelly" in light yellow paint. I have bought paint twice to paint over it but each time I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. At this rate I'll be opening my own paint store soon. There are odd little things all over the house that needs to go too.

This year has been a very very busy year for work for me. I have been gone about 80% of the time. I'm home this week and will leave again Sunday for a month. It looks like it will slow down after that... I think. I keep thinking it's going to slow down but it doesn't. That is a good thing. I like traveling. My award points paid for a room in the middle of Rome for 5 days this summer.

I've decided I'm going to keep writing for awhile. There are a lot of things I still need to say and share. I'm amazed at how many people come to my site. A lot of new people have started to come recently which has prompted me to write again. I'm not sure if I'm a message of hope or not. I try to be as genuine and truthful as possible while protecting other people's privacy. I wish I could say a whole lot more but that is another story I think. This one is simply about me and the loss of my best friend, lover and wife. It's a front row seat in the live of my struggle to change, heal, and let go. I haven't always been successful but I still find a way to get through the hard days and enjoy the good ones.

It's been a long 2 years and 15 days.

#1Fan

Is it time?

Next month will be two years. My blogging and sharing has dwindled down to little to nothing. I'm wondering if it is time to let go....

Twitter

Just wanted to let you all know I have a Twitter account now.

http://twitter.com/navykel

Killing time in Dallas

Hey everyone. I'm at Dallas Airport killing time before my flight for Huntsville. I've been on travel since the beginning of the year. Had a day to take care of things at home yesterday. One of them was changing my phone from an Omina to a Storm. I tried the Omina but was getting more and more pissed at it. The upper case arrow was right next to the send buttom. There is also no cancel button to stop sending a txt. As you can imagine I had a lot of confusing txt sent out. I heard a lot of bad things about the Storm but after having the Omina for 3 weeks, I love this phone. Still trying to figure it out but I really really like it. I've had none of the problems I hear about so I think they fixed all the major issues.

I know this is not a product review blog. How am I doing? I'm doing ok. I tried a roommate again. and was relieved when we both agreed for her to find another place. I wont go into the details but I'll just say I'll be living alone for awhile as long as I can afford it.

Speaking of that. I was planning to go to Spain in Aug. But I've been thinking about it and think I'm not going to go after all. It is a lot of money and think it might be a good idea to just take some time off of doing stuff like that and build up my savings. Not that I'm broke or anything (far from it) it is just I keep hearing Carol's voice telling me to save my money for awhile. My trip last year was a trip of a life time. It's time to just fix some things around the house, buy a new bed, and grow my savings. There is always next time.

Kel