It's been two years and 15 Days since I got the call at work that devistaed my life. When Carol died that day so did a part of me. I will never be a husband to her again, I will never be a partner in life with her again. Alone, I had to face each day. Some were normal, some were hard, some were... well, harder.
Yesterday I finally threw out her purse. It had been sitting under her desk untouched for two years. I would always see it every time I would go in my office. I had a stack of mail that needed shredding and as I sat at her table shredding paper I kept looking at it. Finally I reached down, took out all the credit cards and shred them. I took her Drivers License and ID and put in my safe. (not sure why) and went through her purse. It hurt. Nothing was of any value in it. Then, just like that, I dumped it in the trash.
I plan on more house cleaning like that. I know I've said it before but I need to redecorate the house to be more of me. It is still all Carol. I still haven't painted over her writing in the bedroom wall. It still says "Carol & Kelly" in light yellow paint. I have bought paint twice to paint over it but each time I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. At this rate I'll be opening my own paint store soon. There are odd little things all over the house that needs to go too.
This year has been a very very busy year for work for me. I have been gone about 80% of the time. I'm home this week and will leave again Sunday for a month. It looks like it will slow down after that... I think. I keep thinking it's going to slow down but it doesn't. That is a good thing. I like traveling. My award points paid for a room in the middle of Rome for 5 days this summer.
I've decided I'm going to keep writing for awhile. There are a lot of things I still need to say and share. I'm amazed at how many people come to my site. A lot of new people have started to come recently which has prompted me to write again. I'm not sure if I'm a message of hope or not. I try to be as genuine and truthful as possible while protecting other people's privacy. I wish I could say a whole lot more but that is another story I think. This one is simply about me and the loss of my best friend, lover and wife. It's a front row seat in the live of my struggle to change, heal, and let go. I haven't always been successful but I still find a way to get through the hard days and enjoy the good ones.
It's been a long 2 years and 15 days.
#1Fan
Karma Is Trying to Help
11 years ago
5 comments:
Rome... Great trip to look forward to Kel. I'm cheering for you on the sidelines!
Barb
I am still cheering for you too!!
Colleen 44 w/cf
Hi Kelly,
Carol's been on my mind lately. She wanted me to get her a ticket for the tap show the month she died, and the show is coming up again this month, which made me think of her.
These kinds of things come up from time to time forever, I guess. Our dear memories.
I think painting the bedroom would be an excellent start on giving the house your signature. The words would still be there, just underneath.
Cousin Merle
Carol's love for you isn't on your bedroom wall, it's in your heart. Paint the walls, make the house your own. She will still be there in your memories which will not fade like the paint eventually will. I think redecorating a little at a time will be a good way to continue to move forward with your life. Make plans and be excited about them! Rome? Wow, I am so jealous!!!!!!
Carrie
I'm all for repainting if you're ready. And if you're not ready at your place, feel free to bring your paint to my place. We can help you ease into it, haha.
Big hugs,
Shan :+)
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