Monday, March 14, 2011

4 Years.

4 Years.

The War Still Goes On...

4 Years.

It has been 4 years since the horrible tragic day. 11:25am I got a call from my old boss saying the Upland PD is trying to reach me, Carol had been taken to the hospital. 1.5 hours later I would be placing my lips on the forehead of her lifeless body for the last time in a dimly lit room located in the far corner of the ER. It took an hour for them to clean the blood from her body to prevent my last image of her being more tragic that it was.

4 Years.

I'm sitting on a balcony in Waikiki with a view of the beach and the sun is setting. I have a good job, a great boss, a great team of people I work with. I have good health. I have great friends. But underneath, the war still goes on.

4 Years.

A war is underway. A war similar to the trench warfare of WWI. A stalemate exists between the to sides. Neither can take the advantage. Between each side is a body of real estate that is called No Man's Land. In the bottom of a bomb crater is my home. This is where I live. In shock, I cower and shiver in fear. I can not advance nor retreat.

4 Years

On one side is the part of me that fights to hang on to her memory. To remember each and every day what I had, what we had. On the other side is the part of me that is desperate to let go and move on with my life. As I try to let go and move on the side that wants to hang on sends out a huge artillery barrage paralyzing the advance in it place. As I sit alone each day thinking of her, dreaming of her, the other sides blows a whistle and a sea of men come up over the edge and charge the line only to be cut down in a wind of lead bullets from automatic gun fire.

4 Years.

When will it end? How will it end? Will it be a dramatic ending with a final act of courage? Or a simple transition the way day turns into night? Will I find peace? Will I be able to love again?

4 Years.

...The War Still Goes On

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

And I'm back

OK, I'm back.

Why? Three reasons:

1. I miss writing. Odd to say if you knew me but I miss writing about what I'm thinking, feeling and doing. I miss trying to find a way to communicate exactly how I feel. I miss being creative with telling a story. My grammar sucks and must drive some people crazy but I do the best I can.

2. I'm still in the shit. Big time. It's been 43 months and I still grieve.

3. Just because.

I've opened up comments again. It's open to anyone. I'll looking in from time to time to make sure I don't get spammed.

That's all for now, I'll start writing again soon. Take care everyone.


BTW: I'm living in Virginia now...

Sunday, July 11, 2010


This blog has come to a conclusion. Carol's blog and even mine have been used by people around me to benefit themselves at my expense. For the most part, I believe the benefits I have gained by using it as a tool to heal has exceeded what it has cost me. But that is in retrospect. I need to be looking ahead and make decisions that will give me every chance to succeed that I can.

I gave some consideration to removing it all together. However, I think about the few people who have, or are going to, go through a tragic loss of a loved one close to them and stumble across my blog. My expressions and disclosures are motivated to tell others they are not alone. What they think, what they do, how they feel is not unique. Some have variations of feelings, thoughts and actions but a common thread prevails.

Where am I now? What is going on? Did we win the contract? Did my leap of faith land me on my feet?

The best story is told, and ended, by leaving the reader wanting more. Love me or hate me, I think this is the best way to end this story.

I love you Carol. You meant everything to me. Your loss has broken my heart and my soul in a way that will never be repaired. I will continue to live the best way I can and wait for the day we see each other again.

Good bye everyone. Thank you for your love, prayers and support throughout the years. Without all of you, I would have never made it to where I am today.

#1 Fan

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Going Crazy

I'm not doing good. I've been unemployed since April 2nd. I was told to come up to bremerton to start a part time job on the 3rd of May. I started on the 10th of May and worked 5 hours. I haven't worked again and have not heard anything about working again. It was a bridge effort to help me out while waiting for news of winning the contract that I had come up for. News of that contract will not be announced until some time in June. If we win the work will start in July.

So here I sit. World of Warcraft. Online Poker. Other online activities....

I'm ready to hit the eject button and come back to California. I have no family. I have no father, mother, brothers, sisters, aunts, or uncles. My only family are my friends I've left behind. I have spent the last 13 years growing and developing those relationships. Before 13 years ago I moved every 2 to 3 years. Until now, I never knew what it felt like to leave all those people after all those years. It hurts.

I am angry. Angry that I let myself get in this type of jackpot. Because I accepted part time work I'm now ineligible for unemployment. I would need to be laid off again.

What do I do now? I've asked for some clarification about when I'll start part time. Nothing. I've started to look at other jobs. I'm talking to a recruiter in Seattle. I'm looking at leaving for the weekend. But another part of me wants to return to California. I'm alone here in an apartment with nothing to do. I'm going crazy.

While I try and figure out what to do, I think I'll rent "Up in The Air" and wish....


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

5 and a Wake-up

It’s been awhile since I wrote. I’ve been busy getting ready to move to Washington State. The house is sold to a nice cute young couple whose parents to one of the buyer’s lives on the street over from me. I’m so happy the house is going to a nice young couple to move into and start a family. Sounds lame but that’s how I feel about it.

It’s been surprisingly easy to throw a lot of stuff out. Not anything like I had felt in the past. I keep a few things here and there but for the most part everything is going. I sold 90% of my house hold stuff to Darcy to have when she moved into her new house. I want to start over in WA with building my own household stuff. Now don’t think I’ve purged everything out my life that reminds me of Carol. Oh no. I have kept a few things here and there that may not mean anything to the casual observer but is priceless to me.

I went online to reserve the truck. That is a scary thing. An action associated with a commitment to actually leave. A day is set. Will I have everything ready?

I have a few things of Carol’s that I want to give to her sister. I’m not sure how to do that. Seems I’ve been cut out of her life and she wants nothing to do with me. I’m fine with that. But not sure how to get a few things to her before I leave that won’t cause a big drama scene. I’d like to avoid that even if it is unhealthy to do so. If anyone from Carol’s family wouldn’t mind storing a few boxes and footlockers for her sister I would be very grateful. If not then I might put it in a storage unit we still have and send the key to her. The problem is I pay a lot for a little storage space and not sure how long I want to keep that up while she puts off getting it out.

So here I am, getting ready to push off and away from California. I’ve been here for 19 years. I’ve been in the Inland Empire for 13 years. Being with Carol were the best years of my life. After 5 and a wake-up, I will leave it all behind me and see where life takes me next.


Saturday, March 20, 2010


Yesterday I put my cat to sleep. Her name was Keycat or Kitty. Keycat was slang for kitty cat. Carol got her when she was a baby kitten. As a kitten she was extremely violent and would try and kill other cats or kittens. She would attack Carol’s face while she slept. Carol took her to the Vet to see what could be done. The vet said the only thing that can be done for this cat was to put her down. She was not going to change. At the Vet’s office was one of Carol’s cousins Kitty. Carol was not about to give up and decided to name the kitten Kitty and learn to figure out how to tame this violent kitten.

Carol went to the book store (years before the Internet) and got several books on aggressive cats and how to tame them. After months of hard work she started to calm down. Carol started dating around this time and went out with a guy who came over to her house. While sitting on the couch he was talking to Kitty when she reached up and opened up is nose. To this day he still has a visible scar on his nose from Kitty. When I met Carol on our first blind date I came unprepared. I didn’t give much thought about blind dates; they never work out. When the door opened and I saw how beautiful Carol was and how grungy I looked I thought, “Shit! I screwed this up.”

Kitty sealed the deal for me. While sitting on the couch, Kitty came up and started to rub on me and purr in a very happy way. For Carol, no matter how bad the first date went, she was going to figure out what it was about this man that Kitty seemed to like.

So there I was yesterday at the vets. I was agonizing over what I was about to do. My heart was pounding and aching. With sobbing tears they came to sedate her. I saw Kitty (Carol’s cousin) and thought she would come in but a mix up of who was doing what prevented her from coming in. I wanted her to come in very much but was so emotional I couldn’t be assertive enough. Then they came and euthanized her. I stayed a few minutes with her. I felt like I had failed Carol.

I went home. My house is empty now. I stood in my house crying. The phone rang and the caller ID said it was the vet. I picked it up and Kitty was on the other end. Now let me take a moment and just say that of all the years I’ve know Kitty she has never been the type of person to show any emotions… ever. Every once an awhile you catch a corner of her mouth upturn to make a smile. But other than that I have never seen or heard her share emotionally. She is just not that type of person. On the phone she said, “Kelly, I just wanted you to know that Carol would have been so proud of you. You cared and loved for her cats and they got to live a lot longer and happier because of you. I am so proud of you.” It was not the words that hit me the hardest. It was she said them through a sobbing voice cracked with tears and grief. I couldn’t speak; all I could do was cry out loud with her.

Thank you Kitty.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Act of Faith

I heard a story a long time ago about the difference between Hope and Faith. When sitting in the audience of a circus watching a tightrope walker push a wheel barrel across the tightrope you Hope they make it across. Faith is when you get in the wheel barrel.

When I met Carol had a high degree of Faith in my life. I had a close relationship with my Higher Power (HP) who was loving, warm and caring in my life. As the years went by living with Carol and her disease my faith began to diminish. It didn’t happen all at once but slowly eroded over time. The last year of Carol’s life was the hardest. It was difficult to be front seat in her life watching her pain and suffering. She would sit up at night and cry asking why this was happening, why she hurt and suffered, why she would go to school or do things for a future she knew she would never have. I didn’t know it at the time but it had a profound effect on my faith also.

After she died my Faith in my HP was very limited. My relationship was one of mutual understand that each exists and is present but not much more beyond that. As events started to happen in my life that would show signs of the active participation in my life of my HP, I would start to get angry. It got to the point were I was up one night crying and screaming at my HP to stop doing things for me. He abandon Carol and would prefer if he would do the same for me. I didn’t want to see wonderful things in my life knowing they didn’t happen for Carol.

I’m losing my job. While searching for a job I found a listing for one in a town that was my first duty station out of boot camp. I left in 1989 and promised I would find a way to return. Then I got stationed in San Diego, then Ventura, and then met Carol. My promise to return never came to be. So now I have an opportunity to return but it is more than that. See, the opportunity to return to work is a very rare opportunity. Jobs almost never open up there. It’s not just any job either. It is a weapons research and development location. Not a place where you think that there might be a job in software development. This job is for software development. Not just a job in software development but a lead for a team.

The hitch is that it is a part of a contract being competed against a company already doing the job. The contract will be awarded in June. I won’t know till June if I have a job. I can’t take another job within my company because I would not be eligible to transfer for six months. Making me ineligible for the job if they win the contract. My last day of work is April 2nd. I would be out of work and not able to look for another job for two months. There is no guarantee that there would be a job in June.

Which brings us back to the topic of Faith and my relationship with my HP. It came to me last night that this is a direct message to me from my HP. It’s like he (sorry for the use of the male pronoun) is holding up a large bold sign saying, “LOOK, I’M HERE!” The odds of a job, doing what I do, with the opportunity to be a lead of a team, working at a place that does not ever offer the opportunity happening at this moment in time is immeasurable.

So I have decided to put my Faith in action and get in the wheel barrel. I will accept the offer if given and wait till June. The way I see it is that this is not and issue of if I have the Faith of getting the job or not. This is an issue to begin to heal my Faith and relationship with my HP. It is not the results that is the lesson but the act of Faith.