To the end of days a man walks alone.
Looking forward yields a vast view of obscure clarity of purpose.
His mind wanders aimlessly.
Sharp edges of the new day caress his soft skin till it is all gone exposing the bone for all to see and wonder at the site of his joyful efforts.
“I command!” he yells.
Nothing responds.
At the end of days, a man walks alone.What can I say: Things change. The rational mind knows this, anticipates this and even plans for it. But the emotional mind is like a cat on Crack in a small cardboard box. Up then down then up then sideways. Pause to take a breath, and then repeat.
Things change. I’m hanging in there with school. I’m amazed. My brain went into shutdown mode and it was hard to get it restarted. I’m getting through it and believe I’ll salvage this Term and be ready to start next Term.
I have my resume in the hands of 5 hiring managers. One is for a job in England. I’m excited about that. I have an interview in El Segundo on Monday. Not sure what for. I applied for one position but the seem to want to talk to me to see if I can fit another need. They didn’t talk about it and said more would be revealed on Monday. My only reservation is the commute to work. I live in Upland and it would be like driving to LAX and back every day. That takes about an hour more of my life away a day sitting in traffic. Leave at 5am and get home about 5 or 5:30 each day.
Darcy signed loan docs on Monday. Now it’s just a waiting game to get the keys. It would have been nice to get the keys today because she has 4 days off and it would have been perfect for moving in. But it didn’t happen so she will move out next weekend. Speaking of which, I will be gone next weekend hanging with friends in Bakersfield.
So to summarize, I’m still in school, still doing ok, finding a new job, and over all ok. The only exception is my feelings of grief are still here and still hard to handle some days.
I’ve been here before. It took me awhile to remember the landmarks and get a sense of familiarity with it. For the last nine days I have been here. Wandering around lost and confused. Although it look vaguely familiar I was so caught up in the feelings of depression to not recognized it.
Last Monday I was told I would be losing my job and to begin to look for work. For some unknown reason I felt like I had been kicked in the gut again. Now don’t misunderstand me. I didn’t go cry in my pillow boohoo all night. No, what I did or am doing is much worse; giving up on things that are important in my life because I lost the will to have it.
I’ve been here before. No will or ambition or goals to keep me going. Just the day to day pathetic existence called living. I stopped doing school work. I stopped calling my friends. When I talk with my friends it’s with a strong sarcastic tone that makes it impossible to be around me for very long.
I keep thinking I need to do my school work. But I start to think about trying to figure out the benefits of Interpretive theory or Grounded theory as a qualitative research method. My mind goes into shut down mode with a big “So Fucking What” voice.
I’ve been walking around asking what is wrong with me. Then it hit me, I’ve been here before. I lived like this a long time after Carol died. Living day after day with a big “So Fucking What” sign hanging over my head. It sucks having to look for work. Sucks getting rejected. Sucks having an MBA and being rejected to manage a Fucking swing shift and McDonalds. (ok, that last one wasn’t true but I still get rejected for lead or manager positions within my company) I get rejected because I became complacent and comfortable doing what I do and have not broken free to take on something challenging.
So here I am, stuck. I’m losing my job. Darcy is moving out and I will be losing my relationship. I’m losing my will to continue with my education. Soon I will be right at the same spot I was almost three years ago.
I’ve been hear before.
