Stuck

I’ve been here before. It took me awhile to remember the landmarks and get a sense of familiarity with it. For the last nine days I have been here. Wandering around lost and confused. Although it look vaguely familiar I was so caught up in the feelings of depression to not recognized it.

Last Monday I was told I would be losing my job and to begin to look for work. For some unknown reason I felt like I had been kicked in the gut again. Now don’t misunderstand me. I didn’t go cry in my pillow boohoo all night. No, what I did or am doing is much worse; giving up on things that are important in my life because I lost the will to have it.

I’ve been here before. No will or ambition or goals to keep me going. Just the day to day pathetic existence called living. I stopped doing school work. I stopped calling my friends. When I talk with my friends it’s with a strong sarcastic tone that makes it impossible to be around me for very long.

I keep thinking I need to do my school work. But I start to think about trying to figure out the benefits of Interpretive theory or Grounded theory as a qualitative research method. My mind goes into shut down mode with a big “So Fucking What” voice.

I’ve been walking around asking what is wrong with me. Then it hit me, I’ve been here before. I lived like this a long time after Carol died. Living day after day with a big “So Fucking What” sign hanging over my head. It sucks having to look for work. Sucks getting rejected. Sucks having an MBA and being rejected to manage a Fucking swing shift and McDonalds. (ok, that last one wasn’t true but I still get rejected for lead or manager positions within my company) I get rejected because I became complacent and comfortable doing what I do and have not broken free to take on something challenging.

So here I am, stuck. I’m losing my job. Darcy is moving out and I will be losing my relationship. I’m losing my will to continue with my education. Soon I will be right at the same spot I was almost three years ago.

I’ve been hear before.