I returned to Palm Springs at 2ish on Saturday. A few hours after my post "Pain". Later that night after talking with friends I came around to feeling better. Afterwords I thought about my post. Should it stay or should it go?
I am re-learning lessons. Lessons that I thought I had graduated from. Thought I'd never have to take that class again. I passed the test once before, why take it again? But when someone is dealing with Perception the lesson is never done, the test always prone to fail, and graduation is never going to happen.
I count on my Perception of things around me. I look, think, and based on previous experience, make judgements. But Perception is like playing craps. Sooner or later the shooter hits the seven before the point and everyone who is perceiving the shooter will win, will loose. That's what happened to me. I bet that what I saw and what I thought, based on my previous experience, was absolute truth. The Seven came up and I was absolutely wrong. The one thing I'm leaving out is my actions based upon my judgements. This is where people get hurt.
So what do I do about my actions of my Post based upon my judgement? The people who know, know. People who think they know and don't will pass judgement on me and others. And then there are the visitors to my blog that don't have any idea of what I'm talking about. I have made my direct amends. Do I delete the Post as a part of my amends or do I leave it as a record of my journey?
For now, I'm going to leave it. In some way I see this as a part of my journey. I think that people with similar experiences will identify with my feelings without knowing any details. They will know they are not alone in this process. It might give them hope and the courage to live in spite of making the occasional mistake.
So for today, it Stays.
Karma Is Trying to Help
10 years ago
2 comments:
Hey Kel,
While I don't know exactly what you're going through, I definitely *do* understand what you mean about learning and relearning. I'm trying to do some of that myself. Try not to worry so much about how others will judge you. Those who would judge negatively have not had your experience.
Much love,
Shan :+)
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.
Kelly,
Here's an excerpt from a powerful book I've just read, "What is the What" by Dave Eggers. Although the context of these words comes from a young Sudanese refugee (one of "The Lost Boys of the Sudan"), the heart of the message is one that illuminates the human spirit and the very real need for connection:
"Whatever I do, however I find a way to live, I will tell these stories. ... I speak to you because I cannot help it. It gives me strength, almost unbelievable strength, to know that you are there. ... I am alive and you are alive so we must fill the air with our words. I will fill today, tomorrow, every day until I am taken back to God. I will tell stories to people who will listen and to people who don't want to listen, to people who seek me out and to those who run. All the while I will know that you are there. How can I pretend that you do not exist? It would be almost as impossible as you pretending that I do not exist."
I don't know if this speaks at all to the underlying issues that you are grappling with in your most recent blog. If it's close, then I hope it helps. If it's off the mark, then I hope you can just absorb it for it's own beauty.
~Kim
Post a Comment