I went to work yesterday. I had dressed nice I must say. Logged on my computer and promptly sat there looking at it. I was looking at the monitor, not what was being displayed. I tried to take a walk to get my head into things. Sat down, nothing. Feelings started to overwhelm me. I looked at the clock, 7:30am. Oh no. A few more attempts and I gave up and sent out an email that I was "Out Sick" and going home. That's the truth, right?
In the car on the way home it started. The tiers. Not a lot, but I felt as though I was struggling to hold back something. I got home and had decided I was going to finally start doing something with the house. I got as far as getting undressed to my underwear when it hit. It hit me hard and unexpected. The only safe place I felt was a corner in the kitchen on the floor. I sat there, in my underwear and started to sob. Over and over, wave after wave. Everything I looked at resulted in a flood of memories. I could hear her voice.
After two hours and a box of tissue, I was laying on the floor with my legs up on a chair. My right forearm was resting across my forehead. The crying had stopped, for the moment. A short time later I put some shorts on and a friend came over. We talked, I cried some more. It seems it has come down to the house. I have been putting off getting Carol's stuff boxed up. Painting. Getting new bedroom furniture. I just didn't want to do it. I kept having this vision of putting her things in a garbage bag. A Garbage Bag! I see that and I get gutted. How can I do that to her? I can I put all our memories in a garbage bag and put it out on a curb. That's it? See you later? Time to move on! (Hold on everyone, please I'm just sharing here. Just expressing the raw emotions of my moment.)
I asked Brandi how do I start. How do I get through this? She recommended starting with the place I need to feel the most safe, where I sleep. She recommended the bedroom. So today, she is coming over to help me go through and pack up (like how I avoided the garbage bag reference?) and move out some of the things in the bed room. I am going to move the bed to another part of the room. I want to move my stuff from my closet to hers. Then I want to go and pick out a color for the room and paint. Finally, I found a bed room set that I like. I'm going to buy it.
So I think I'm going to be "Out Sick" (wink) for a few days.
Karma Is Trying to Help
11 years ago
4 comments:
It might help to donate Carol's things to a charity so that you won't feel that you are throwing them away but using them to help others who would really appreciate some nice things. We have done that in the past when family members have passed away and it does help to donate them to some place that you choose. I am really glad to know that you are taking this big step. You are not "throwing away" Carol's memory, it lives inside you and no one will ever take that away from you or anyone who loved her.
Two steps forward and sometimes one step back, just keep moving forward to the time when the positive outweighs the negative, I know you can do it.
Carrie
Kelly,
Although you probably don't see it right now, you're being very normal in redoing the bedroom. Almost everyone I know of has done this first. Your breakdown at work was the start of it. You had made your decision to move forward in your head, even if you didn't know it at the time, and it made you so sad you had to go home and cry it out first. That's good and brave. Remember, Carol isn't in that bedroom, you only want to pretend she is. She's in your heart where she belongs. Get that bedroom painted and your new furniture in place. It sounds like it's going to be a fresh and restful new room.
Cousin Merle
What an incredible journey to show up for each and every day without knowing what's in front of you. You've had some relief... some enjoyable moments where you found yourself again on your own... now it's time for this. "Big boy stuff" as we call it. I feel that it God wouldn't have led you to the bedroom if it weren't time to do it. Trust. At least for today. You're still a hero whether you see it or not. Sometimes it's enough for others to see it. All of those that read/comment on the blog, regularly, strongly believe in you and the choices you have made. We got your back, always.
Love ya. Cambria
Im glad you took the day to sit in your kitchen corner to cry.
mike
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