Carol's Death

The Day Before:

It was March 14, a Wednesday. I had a commitment on Wed night and didn't get home till 9:30pm. As usual, I go straight to bed because I have to get up early. Carol would always tuck me in. She knew I needed to sleep but wanted to talk to me so bad. She would start to ask a question or two then it would be like 15 min later. She would smile and never felt bad she was keeping me up. As always, she would kiss me, say she loved me and turn out the light.

I suffer from not being able to sleep. I would toss and turn and would end up going out to the couch. Sometimes Carol would cough so much that I would have to do that also. So it was not uncommon for me to sleep on the couch. It was a way to break my mind off of whatever it was fixed on that was keeping me from sleeping. I laid on the couch and Carol was sitting in the chair reading. But she wasn't actually reading. I looked at her and she had this terrified look on her face. She was crying.

Through whispered tiers she said, "I'm afraid something bad is going to happen."

Till the day I die I will never be able to erase that memory. Those were her last words to me. We never spoke again. I just laid there and tried some comforting words but knew there was nothing I could do. I had been here before with her time and time again. I all I could do was be loving and warm. Sometimes comfort does not require words just a look of compassion. Shortly after, sleep was still not working so I went back to bed.

March 15, 2007

I woke up and got ready for work. As usual we had a thing we always did in the morning. Just as she would tuck me in at night, I would always kiss her in the morning, say I love you and have a great day. She would always wake up, open her eyes and say I love you too and have a great day. Every morning. Except for this day. You may not believe this, you may think I'm embellishing details after the fact. But this is true. Sometimes I would get a feeling that I should stay home. I had done so before in the past. Carol would always get mad and worry about my job but later would be grateful I did. She would either be physically feeling bad or mentally, or both. Staying home always helped her through the day. That morning, getting ready for work, I almost stayed home. But I had just started a new job and didn't want to start getting in trouble again. When I kissed her goodbye and said I loved her, she did not open her eyes or say anything back. I will have to live with that the rest of my life.

11:50am
I was helping someone with a new software installation. I had just figured out what was going wrong and went back to my desk. My new boss said that my old boss, Betty, was trying to reach me. She was on speaker phone in his office. I went in.

"Kelly the Upland PD is trying to reach you. Carol has been transported to the hospital." she said.

Now let me pause here a moment. When you live with someone who can die any moment you think about them dying everyday. But it's just a thought and you go on. When the actual call comes your mind wants to go there but it can't.

I left and got in my car and drove to the hospital. I remember my mind being raged by my thoughts. "Its ok", I told myself "she has had this happen before. She'll make it to the hospital, go on a vent and in a few days come off like last time. It's not a bid deal, we've been here before and made it out ok." However, I did not know any details about why she was transported. What if it was something minor. Carol would be very upset if nothing was serious and here I was thinking she is dying or worse. I can see the look on her face. "You'd give up on me that easy?" she would say. No hun, I wouldn't. I kept telling myself over and over, don't give up hope, don't give up hope.

I arrived at the ER. I was, obviously, in a panic. I asked for Carol. The nurse looked on the computer screen and did not see her name. It was 12:15. That was not a good sign. She said she would go look in the back. A few minutes went by and she started to walk back. Now, my powers of observation are on max level. I'm tuned to see anything that can give me any indication of what is going on. When she came back I saw her make eye contact with me and quickly look away. She avoided eye contact until she walked back up to the window. She said Carol was still in the ambulance and they are trying to find a room. I knew she was lying.

I waited. Waited. Waited.

In July when this happened they took me back to her room as soon as I got there. They wanted to know what medications she was on, etc, etc. No one was coming out to ask any questions. "Don't give up hope! Don't give up hope!" is what I kept saying over and over to myself. Finally I saw a doctor come out and motion for me. As I walk up he pointed away from the ER. "We have a private room over here." is what he said.

"Don't give up hope! Don't give up hope!"

He put me in a room by myself and told me someone would be coming to see me soon. It had been 20 min since I arrived. I waited alone.

"Don't give up hope! Don't give up hope!"

Finally the original doctor and a new one walked in. They asked what condition Carol had that would make her bleed. I told him she had Cystic Fibrosis.

"Don't give up hope! Don't give up hope!"

"I'm sorry to tell you your wife died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital." The doctor said.

The pain. The reality. The pain.

I was left alone for awhile and finally taken to another room. I sent a text message out to my friends that Carol had died. They put me in a room with a social worker. Within one minute I was very close to yelling at her to shut the F up. I can't remember now what it was she kept saying but it was clearly inappropriate. Then the door open. Brandi walked in and I was finally not alone anymore. Some time later Carol's sister came and then Cousin Merle and Dona. We had to wait a long time for them to clean the blood. After an hour I was finally able to see her. I sat with her for a few minutes. I kissed her and told her I loved her.

When I got home Brandi and Chris where just finishing cleaning up all the blood. With in an hour 20 people were at my house. Most stayed until 2am. At about 6pm I got a call from the organ donor program. I was surprised because as ravaged as Carol's body was I didn't think there was any opportunity for donor. I spent an agonizing hour on the phone with them going over every detail of Carol's medical history. At a few points, I just wanted to scream and hang up. But I hung in there and finally got to the end. Six weeks later I got a letter saying that two women in Florida had their eye sight returned from Carol's donation. I cried.

So that's it. I can't write much more about that day.