Silence

Hi everyone. A lot has been going on in my life as of late. But unfortunately it involves other people. I’m faced with a dilemma of how to journal my real-life experiences but respect the privacy of others.

My home if filled with silence. The only human voice is my own and I hear it only when I talk to the cats or am on the phone. The silence is difficult to handle. I try to turn on as much white noise on as I can. The fan, air purifier, radio, AC, TV, etc, etc. But I can still hear it, the silence. I know I have said this before and I guess I’ll continue to say it until I’m done saying it: I don’t want to be alone. I’m not talking the “get a roommate” alone. I’m talking about living with my best friend. Coming home each day and talking about what happened. Sitting next to each other and watching TV. Sitting on the floor and eating dinner off the coffee table while we watch TV.

Before I met Carol, I never had this in my whole life. I was always alone. I was abandoned as a child and lived from one place to another. Sometimes with people I know sometime with complete strangers. As I got older I preferred to be alone. My relationships before Carol were disasters. I had given up on ever finding anyone and reserved to a life of being alone.

Here I am once again, alone and living in silence. It is like an old friend that has come back into my life but find it awkward. We used to have so much in common but now found it difficult to carry a conversation longer than 5 minutes. The rest of the visit is spent waiting for it to end.

Waiting for it to end.

That is how I spend my time now, waiting for the loneliness to end. There is only one small detail that keeps getting in the way, grief. One of the chief allies of grief is Denial. It is a four star general with a multitude of resources dedicated to planning and executing strategies to accomplish the mission set out. Damn the consequences to anyone near the action. That’s called collateral damage. It happens, or Shit happens. The difference between lying and denial is the difference between lying to others and lying to yourself. You know when your lying to others but have know idea when your lying to yourself.

The only remedy is honesty. Regrettably with denial the honesty comes only after the fact. My life is being devastated my denial. My consequences may be the loss of friendships. Not just the “hey lets watch a movie or have coffee” friendships but the “this is how I feel” friendships. I must try and continue to make a commitment to see this through no matter how painful it is. I keep trying to tell myself that I want to be alone again. If I believe I want to be alone then I can begin to accept it and somehow be happy again. A part of me thinks this is nothing more than trying to play mind games with myself. The fact is that now that I’ve had a significant amount of time being with a great person, I’ll never be happy being alone again. I just need to learn to tolerate it.