I didn't do well through the holidays. Everyone had told me it would be difficult. I knew it would be difficult but still, I thought somehow someway I could cheat it. Find a magic formula or distraction to get my through it. (loud buzzer) Wrong! Pain and grief, pain and grief. There was no way to avoid it.
I dreamt of Carol last night. We where getting ready to go somewhere together. Going somewhere with Carol was always an event. Pack this, look for that, need this, need that. It never bothered me. It was just what we had to do to go somewhere. It was good to see her again. I hope she visits more.
I talked the one of the main people at South Cost Divers. He emailed me and it seems that in all fairness, I need to speak up when I need help. They can't read minds and it's not fair to expect them too. I just have a problem asking for help. I was abandon as a child when I was 10. Since then I have had dedicated my life to be self sufficient. Carol was a unique person who came into my life and I allowed myself to become dependent on her to be a part of my life. Anyway, back to SCD. I had an email exchange with one of the main participants of the group. I'm looking forward to meeting him tomorrow for a dive.
Speaking of dives. I did actually get to go on one last Wed. I went with my dive instructor on a fun dive. Stayed out 60 min at a depth of 40ft. It was nice. My mask flooded the whole time. That sucked.
Speaking of things that suck. I left work on the 20th. The light turned green for me to turn left. As I finished my turn, someone ran a red light and hit me. Only minor damage to the car. I was lucky someone pulled over to be a witness. When I told the driver she ran the light she denied it and said I ran the light. Sad.
Speaking of sad. 2007. What an bad year. I'm glad it's over. Tomorrow will mark the countdown to March 15. I am doing everything thing I can to heal. I am active. I exercise. I go out with friends. I think once I get past the one year mark, things might get different for me. I hope anyway. Maybe that should be my theme for 2008, Hope.
Kel
Karma Is Trying to Help
10 years ago
2 comments:
Hi Kelly,
Well, here we are at the start of a fresh new year. Let's get a grip, squeeze our eyes shut, and hope (your word) for the best.
My friend, you've had the worst, so I think 2008 will offer you a much better deal than this rotten year you've been living through.
Anyway, here's hoping 2008 is a good year for you.
Cousin Merle
Good post, Kel... lots of expression. You know, looking back on the last 9 months, it doesn't seem to me that your grief process was anything but normal. Looking at it objectively, the degree of pain must be proportionate to the degree of love, don't you think? Yours was not a superficial relationship by any means. Therefore, your grief and loss will not be superficial either. You're finding a way to move through... to live life in spite of... to find peace. It's going to take what it's going to take. God Bless you for what you've endured thus far... and Grant you the courage to cruise into the March 15th mark. You are loved by many, including me.
Cambria
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