I start work in full gear Monday. I tired to go back on Wednesday but half the people were still on vacation. It was difficult to find something to do since I didn't have access to the computers yet. Luckily, I got into no further accidents on my way home.
How am I doing? That seems to be the big questions I get from family and friends. I think about it a lot. I finally played World of Warcraft for a significant amount of time yesterday. I made Level 57 Orc Warrior. I need one more level and I can go into the Outlands! I need to be able to increase my Engineering and Mining Skills. The trainers are located in the Outlands and I have to be a level 58 before I can go throught the portal. I know I know, I can get a mage to teleport me there but I want to go the old fashion way.
I have been dreaming a lot about Carol. Almost every night. My dreams are always the same. We are always either getting ready to go somewhere or are on vacation together. She is always helping me get things in order to travel.
When I think of Carol now it doesnt hurt like it has before. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. I mean, don't get me wrong, I miss Carol and want to be with her and have my life back. But I am feeling stronger now and more comfortable being on my own. So far I've done a good job at taking care of the finances, house, car, and cats. I have money in the bank and pay my bills on time each month. I have a savings for emergency's. I think if Carol was here she would be very proud of me. Actually if she was here she would be very sad that I was taking care of everything. She was very sensitive about being needed. If was able to completely take care of myself, she would be very depressed about what she would be needed for. Not sure why I rambled on about that.
So welcome to 2008. For me, my new year will not start until March 16. So I'm still in my year. Is it wrong to anticipate getting past the one year mark?
Kel
How am I doing? That seems to be the big questions I get from family and friends. I think about it a lot. I finally played World of Warcraft for a significant amount of time yesterday. I made Level 57 Orc Warrior. I need one more level and I can go into the Outlands! I need to be able to increase my Engineering and Mining Skills. The trainers are located in the Outlands and I have to be a level 58 before I can go throught the portal. I know I know, I can get a mage to teleport me there but I want to go the old fashion way.
I have been dreaming a lot about Carol. Almost every night. My dreams are always the same. We are always either getting ready to go somewhere or are on vacation together. She is always helping me get things in order to travel.
When I think of Carol now it doesnt hurt like it has before. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. I mean, don't get me wrong, I miss Carol and want to be with her and have my life back. But I am feeling stronger now and more comfortable being on my own. So far I've done a good job at taking care of the finances, house, car, and cats. I have money in the bank and pay my bills on time each month. I have a savings for emergency's. I think if Carol was here she would be very proud of me. Actually if she was here she would be very sad that I was taking care of everything. She was very sensitive about being needed. If was able to completely take care of myself, she would be very depressed about what she would be needed for. Not sure why I rambled on about that.
So welcome to 2008. For me, my new year will not start until March 16. So I'm still in my year. Is it wrong to anticipate getting past the one year mark?
Kel
3 comments:
Hey Kel,
Seems like Carol's been doing a lot of dream visits lately, with you and also with me (I wonder who else she's been seeing?). My most recent dream was just that we were doing something together. I don't remember what, but it seems like every dream for me is different (okay, I've only had three and they've been spread out, it's not like she's visiting me that often).
In the first one, she wanted me to understand something... and I seemed to during most of the dream, but then I lost it and couldn't re-"get" it later when I tried to retell it. Later I think I did work it out, and the second dream seemed to reflect that. And now we're up to hanging out again. I still miss her so much.
I wonder what life will be like after the 15th. I'm sure there will still be ups and downs, but hopefully the ups will be longer and longer and the downs will be shorter and less intense.
Part of me believes (or wishes) that the dream visits with Carol are really a part of her coming back to check on us. I am not religious and don't have a specific idea of what happens when we die, so some of my thinking is a bit mish-mashy, I'll admit. But it seems entirely natural to me that when Carol was here, she needed to be needed. Probably true for most of us, but especially for someone who didn't work because of her health (as opposed to lifestyle choices or whatever). It seems to me that Carol *now* would understand that she can no longer handle the day-to-day things for you that she once did, and would be glad to know that you are making sure they get done.
Sort of like she was your teacher and you were an excellent student.
Much love and hope,
Shan :+)
PS I really wish I had any sort of freaking clue about the game you mentioned, but I don't. However, seems to me that getting through 57 levels is a lot and so I say, You Rock! Haha.
Kelly
You have almost made it to the one year mark and you have done it with honesty and integrity. You have shared your good times and your bad times and helped us all remember Carol and transition from mourning her to remembering her. We have learned things about her that we might not have known, and shared our memories of her also. You have done what you needed to do to make it this far. It's different for everyone, and you did what you needed to do. I think Carol is coming to visit you in your dreams to help you make the tranistion to the next year, help you get ready to move on. You are always going somewhere in the dreams, maybe that's to day 366 and beyond. She is doing what she can to help you get ready to go on to the rest of your life, carrying your memories of her, and making new memories of your own. We never forget those we have lost, it still hurts to remember that they are gone, we just hurt a little less and remember more of their time with us with love.
Keep moving forward, remembering that each day is a gift for you. That's how Carol lived her life, and what she would want for you.
Carrie
Hi Kelly,
I know what you're hoping will happen after March 15th. I had the same thoughts with my dad. After that one-year mark on the calendar, he had not lived a single day in that year. There was no more of me thinking, "On this day last year, my dad was still here and doing this or that..." After that date, there was a finality, no thinking like that anymore. In a way it was sad to think I couldn't have those kinds of thoughts of him being alive on that day the year before; in another way, it was a relief. I could let him go, and I could go on with my life.
I still think of him every single day, but with more joy than sadness. Joy that I once had him rather than sadness that I had to lose him. The same thing happened when my mom passed away. The love I have for them will never end, but, I have to live a good life to honor them for giving me a life to live.
Maybe, March 15th is a sort of proving date for you, too, Kelly. Both an ending date for your old life and a starting date for this new life you are going into with such hope in your heart.
Cousin Merle
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