Pain Part 4

I met a kid out from Chicago going to school for an automobile company. He is a nice kid and seems to be quite and laid back. He is living in an apartment with 5 other guys. Apparently it is a difficult situation and as close to hell as someone of his personality can get. I thought about it and finally asked him to move in. I will be traveling next year and it would help to have someone here looking after the house and the cats. It’s only till the middle of February which will give me a chance to see if this type of arrangement is suited for me.

We met at the house and I showed him around. He met the cats. They seem to like him. We talked about ground rules and expectations then set a date to move in. We set Sat Dec 1^st as the date to move in. All last week I kept putting off getting the room ready. Then came Friday night when I had to do it. I was frozen and couldn’t seem to bring myself to do it. Then it came from out of no where, Pain.

Pain

It hit like a rock thrown through a glass window. My illusion or delusion was shattered. I was sitting there thinking I got to get things ready when out of no where a though came into my head. It said, “Carol won’t like living with a room mate.” I was stunned. Carol is dead. Then it hit. I’ve been waiting for her to come home. In some part of my thinking or a part of my brain I’ve been holding on to the fact that this is just some kind of nightmare and that soon it will all be over and Carol will be home. The part of my brain that lives in reality has been trying to go on with my life. But another part has been living a secret life of waiting for her to come home. With this person moving in, my denial was shattered.

I sat on my couch and cried. I cried like the day she died. Still, the room stayed the same.