“What?!” You say. What happened to a drama free August? Relax. Today will be an average day I promise.
For all that I’ve gone through, for all that I’ve shared, why hasn’t the topic of suicide ever come up? Is it that I don’t think about it? Or if I do, don’t want to talk about it? How can someone who loved as deeply as I’ve loved, participated in a beautiful relationship, and had a day to day physical companion not think about suicide?
About 5 or 6 years ago suicide is something I thought a lot about. Back then, the idea of going on and living without Carol was very painful. I couldn’t imagine life without her. I made up my mind that if or when she died, I would follow soon after.
Over the last few years I watched as Carol fought to live. She wanted nothing more than to continue living another day. She loved life more than anything and by shear willpower, somehow continued to recover from life ending events. I believe if it wasn’t for her arteries giving out, she would still be here today and this blog would not be here. After last year's ‘event’, I started to think about her dying each day. I worried it could happen at any minute on any day. What would I do? How would I go on? Would I end my life? The answer is obvious to me today; I can not throw away something that Carol valued more than anything, Life. To willingly give up something she would give anything to have is something beyond my ability to articulate in words.
Now don’t miss understand me either. The depth and degree of pain, loss and loneliness has been so pronounced that I just feel like dying. Feeling like I want to die is different than Wanting to die. I don’t want to die. But sometimes the pain gets so great I just want it to stop and dying seems to be the only option for it to end. I don’t know how but I seem to make it through those moments.
I’m coming up on my 5 month mark. I have made some terrible mistakes along the way. I may have lost a great friendship. However, I have made some good decisions and have built stronger friendships with people I hardly knew before. Give and Take. Ebb and Flow. Some of my worst character defects have been free to create a mass of destructions in my relationships. However, some of my character assets have kept me getting up each day with the willingness to continue living.
If you have faced or are going to face a loss such as mine, I hope that this topic helps you.
Karma Is Trying to Help
10 years ago
3 comments:
Kelly,
Beautifully written...such honesty, such clarity... It's your month, Babe!
Cambria
Kelly,
I couldn't agree more. Carol loved and valued life so much that you not only have to go forward with your life, but you have to live a full, happy and successful life in her memory. Not right now, during this grieving period, but as soon as you can, and you have to give it everything you've got.
I know if she thought you were only going to live a sad, marginal life, she would kick your butt. She certainly didn't, and I know you aren't going to either.
Cousin Merle
Hi Kel,
One of my dearest, but somewhat crazy, friends had the most amazing relationship with her mom of all the parent/child relationships I've seen. One of the first things I learned about Marisa when I met her was that she'd likely lose the tenuous grasp she had on life. This lesson was brought home as those of us around her watched how drastically she changed when she and her partner of 28 years split up. Eventually, she did pull herself back together, but it was never far from Marisa's mind how she'd handle life should her mom ever "leave" her. As her mom's health began to fail, several of us tried to do whatever we could to let her know that she'd never be alone.
Maybe you know how this goes... we could tell her and show her we loved her in all the ways we could think of, but the most effective person in getting Marisa to accept that life had to go on was her mom, Wilma. During her last year, Wilma spent a lot of time with Marisa (or vice versa, I guess, since Wilma wasn't able to drive for those last six months). Sometimes bluntly and sometimes indirectly she guided Marisa through this transition. In a movie-magic sort of way, when it seemed likely even to the rest of us that Marisa could get through, Wilma passed away peacefully.
It's been a couple of years and Marisa still mourns the loss of her mother. But she has managed to get through, and her life is much better now than she thought it could be... not the same as before, but good in a different way.
I wish you didn't have to struggle with your new life... and I do agree completely that if it weren't for her arteries, Carol would still be right here by your side... but I'm grateful to her for instilling in you this value for life... for *your* life, not just hers.
Much love,
Shan :+)
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.
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