sex

First let me apologize to all the people out there who are close to me and Carol and may be very offended by this post. I’m not going to be graphic or disrespectful in anyway. But I am going to be candid and honest about it too. Why? Because sex is a part of grief just like everything else. People don’t talk about it and pretend its not important or something to suppress. How can I have a genuine blog about the loss of my wife and never talk about what it has been like to lose sex?

I have found that after Carol died, I have been able to learn to fill in and take care of the things she did. I’ve learned to watch my money. Pay my bills on time. I have a gardener to take care of the yard. I found time to take my car into the shop. I take my shirts and slacks into the dry cleaners and pick them up. Fixed the sprinkler when it broke. All of these things I have been able to be taken care of by me or with the help of someone else.

But what about sex?

How dose someone take care of that need? I understand that some people do not see it as a need and don’t give it very much attention. (Friends and family look away for a moment) But Carol and I really enjoyed it. Sex was a part of our lives just as all the other things in our lives. The last year was very difficult for us. I won’t go into details, I’m sure you can use your own imagination to see what I’m talking about. I would always be concerned and afraid. Because she could bleed at any moment, I would always be worried when… Although people may not want to see Carol in that way, I can tell you as her husband; Carol was a woman with needs and was very satisfied with getting them met. During the last year though, for me, I was always reserved and cautious.

Here I am now, 5 months later. I know I’ve said before that I am committed to a live of celibacy for one year. I also said I didn’t know if it was unrealistic or setting myself up for failure. I received a lot of encouraging words telling me to stay focused on being a widow and working on learning to live a life alone. Some people want me to move on when the time is right and start a new life with someone else. Not right now, but in time.

It is with great regret that I share that I was not able to keep that commitment. As I go on here, please continue reading through to the end.

The Internet is a wonderful/terrifying thing. I was able, with time and patience, find and locate another person who was willing to fulfill each of our needs. I wont give any further details other than that she was a great person and all our needs where met.

Now let me talk about the next day. Well, it really wasn’t the next day because I never slept. I stayed up all night and went right into work at 6am the next day. What the “F” was I thinking? I’m not 29 anymore. I can’t stay up all night and go into work the next day. I did my best and went home.

And then it hit. Guilt, Shame, and Depression. How could I do this? I’m not that type of person. I had made arrangements to meet again but this time she was coming over to my house. I was panicked. I didn’t want that. I called and talked to some friends. Some of what I was going through was related to not having any sleep. Some of it was the experience itself. I emailed her and told her I didn’t think it was good to meet again.

I went to the store for the first time in a long time. I got good food to eat. For the first time I felt completely comfortable shopping by myself and for myself. At home, I put things away, cleaned the cat box, watch TV, had some dinner. The feeling I was alone was not painful. It was peaceful. When I went to bed I had this feeling that I wanted to be in bed alone. For the first time I felt comfortable and safe alone in my bed. I didn’t want anyone else there with me.

I guess sometimes it’s easier to know what we don’t want rather than what we do want. I had to be with someone before I could know I didn’t want to be with someone. I am so grateful that I did not have to do that with someone who is very close to me. I’m grateful that I still have my friendships.