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Tears
I’m sitting at work crying. Not the type of tears that comes with gut wrenching pain like I have become best friends with. No, these tears are different. It’s strange, I just sit here and my eyes seem to fill up and spill over, running down my face. I am sad, very sad. I have been asked recently by a few people if I’m happy. Some I lie to, others I tell the truth. The ones I lie to I say “yes”. I think that is what they want me to say. It makes it easy for them to hear I’m happy. The ones I tell the truth to is “no”. It’s been 200 days. I miss my wife so much it hurts. How can I be happy? When will I be happy? Why can’t I be happy? Why do I need to lie about being happy? I don’t want to be happy, I want to be with Carol again.
3 comments:
Hi Kelly,
You know you've done all you're supposed to do, been through all the grief and sorrow you can handle, stumbled through all the mindless days and nights alone you can stomach. You've had it!! Now, it's time to get back to normal, and that means getting your dear Carol back. Only thing is...
I know you're tired, tired in mind and body, tired of Carol being gone, tired of trying to live a new life without her, tired of pretending it's working out okay, tired of feeling like everybody else is going on with their lives while you're stalled in your sorrow, but believe me, you are making progress. Hey, yes, you are! GIVE YOURSELF TIME.
Cousin Merle
Kelly,
The folks who are asking you if you're happy - God bless 'em - want you to be happy ... But my goodness, what an insensitive question! Of course you're not happy -- Happy is a little ways down the road yet. Next time someone asks you if you're happy, just tell them that your cousin Kim says "DUH!" ;o)
A friend of mine here just lost her husband a month ago. Totally unexpected. One minute, he was here; the next, he was dead from a brain aneurysm. She's doing the best she can; staying busy, volunteering, going out, working, humming ! (- yes, she hums a lot!), and trying to channel her grief through whatever artful creativity she can muster. She lost a son to MS some years ago, so she's unfortunately had some "practice" in dealing with grief.
You are not alone in your grieving and sorrow, nor will you ever be. As life goes, there are always a large number of grieving hearts amongst us on any given day. Please remember that you are not alone as you struggle to move through it all towards the sunshine, and the happiness that we all wish for you. As Merle has suggested, give yourself time to allow all the powers of the universe to move through your heart and body and soul to healing ...
xo, Kim
how do you let go when for so long you held it so tightly and dearly. don't let go of the memories and putting your pain in a safe place is the right thing to do. what a beautiful 10 years you shared. marrying even after you knew what the future might bring. it reminds me of the Garth Brooks song "the Dance" there's a verse that says i would have liked to miss the pain ,but then i would have had to miss the dance. be greatful for the dance. life without someone you love is hard, but as time passes the pain will decrease. being as active as you are and not lying around, still functioning is the best thing you can do. you have the strength it is in your quiet thoughts its in your fondest memories its in your knowledge. halloween was tough. tears held back. the day came and went and you got thrugh it.
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