It’s been 232 days. Or so says the sign in front of the Safety Department here at work. 232 days since Carol died. Now that I’m getting farther and farther away, I seem to get closer and closer to the details of how she died. Odd isn’t it? Last night I was thinking about how they found her. Lying on the floor by the front door where the 911 operator instructed her to lie down and wait. When they got there, she had no pulse and was not breathing. Strange though, there was no blood in the entry way where she lied down. I was thinking last night that meant that the bleeding had stopped. My mind tells me if I was there I could have started CPR. The bleeding had stopped. I could have helped.
The other day I was coming home from the grocery store late at night. As I turned the corner and looked up the street, I could see my house with the porch light on. For a moment, just a moment, my heart skipped and I was filled with joy. “Carol’s Home!” Is what I thought. It seems that in spite of my progress that I have been making, just below the surface the pain is still there.
3 comments:
Hey Kel,
It's strange how the mind holds onto things, isn't it? And it's so hard not to think of the what-ifs. The bad and the good news is that our ability to think of them doesn't necessarily mean that they would have been true.
In any case, it's very good to hear from you again. You've been on my mind a lot lately.
One of your four (or more),
Shan :+)
Hi Kelly,
Your comments today remind me of the man whose wife always left him a note on the kitchen table telling him where she was. One day, some years after she had died, he glimpsed a scrap of paper on the kitchen table, and for just a second, he thought she had left a note telling him where she had gone...he, like you, just below the surface.
Keep hanging on with both hands; you know the drill. Youse a smart guy, and I don't for a minute doubt your future. I know it's filled with all good things.
Cousin Merle
I still want to call my grandparents and in-law's and they have been gone for quite some time. You can't expect to erase years of habits and what you have grown acustom to in just 232 days, but it will get better. Hope good things are ahead for you, keep moving forward but don't forget where you've been, it's made you who you are today.
Take care,
Carrie
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