Happy New Year

Hello friends and family. I am doing much better this time of year than last. Things have become very clear to me now in ways that had been difficult to see before. Without the love, support and genuine friendship of the people around me, I'm not sure I could have made it through this year. I seem to have come through something and am on the other side now. When I look into the future I see hope not despair.

Until next year,

Kel

again and

again and again and again

will i ever learn

Grief and the Holidays

I was following the blog of a woman who recently died. I go back occasionally to see how the husband is doing. I think of him often. I don't have children so I imagine it is different for him having children. I was reading comments left by others and some of them are asking for updates on how he and the family are doing and that they wish them a happy holiday. I wanted to leave a comment but was afraid I'd get told off. So I'd thought I'd use my own blog to share what I think.

I think it f'n sucks! There is nothing happy about the holidays just after the death of the woman you love. Your soul has this painful gaping whole in it and a wind -40 degrees is blowing through it leaving pin stabbing pains. Your chest is tight and you can't eat. Every where you look reminds you of what you don't have in your life anymore, joy. So if the holidays are not joyful or happy I give you permission to privately boycott them for this year. It's ok not to participate.

I have no experience on what to say when it comes to the children. I'll leave that to others who know what they are talking about. I'm sure there are ways to minimize the pain and still allow them to participate in the holiday if they feel they want to. Perhaps it could be just simply going to church on the 25th and celebrating the birth of a religious icon of your beliefs. It doesn't have to be about decorating or gifts or joy. Simply expressing gratitude to the spiritual person and the sacrifice that person gave for the purpose of that day.

So to you, brother, I say feel what you need to feel. Express what you need to express. endure what you need to endure. All I can do is give you a little hope that it is better for me this year than last and that it will be the same for you next year.

Kel

She likes me again...

Until Sunday when we have to do it agian...

Numb Viloent Acts still leave a Mark

Kitty came home on Saturday. Monday was my first day of giving her an IV treatment. As you can imagine it brought back memories of Carol. The IV line and stuff. The needle looks kind big and intimidating. On Saturday at the Vets the did the treatment and for the most part she just sat there and didn't fuss too much. For me though I was not so fortunate. Today was her third IV. It did not go well. She fought me very hard and bit me. I had to stick the needle in twice cause she fought so hard I had to hold her down and the it came out. Now she hides from me in fear. I can't even get her to come out for food. Some people said they would help but have never called to come over to help. I understand, this is my problem. The problem is I'm not even half way through the treatments. We still have a lot more violent acts to dance together with. I'm sure when I'm done she will hate me forever. nice...

Kel

Kelly's Law

Great Achievements Require Great People,
Great People are not Required Great Achievements

-Kelly's Law

Kitty

Kitty is at the hospital getting nuked for a tumor on her thyroid. Doesn't she look pissed? She'll ignore me for awhile when she gets home but will get over it when she starts to put weight on again.

Anyway, just want to post something. It's been awhile since I've shared and wanted to say I miss the people who come here to read but who I don't get to talk to.

Hope all is well with everyone,
Kel

Dreams Part 4

I’m currently in Lompoc working everyday through the 6^th. I like the work, very busy plus I get to crawl in, out and around missile silos. Cool! I had Thanksgiving off but am working today and this weekend. I like that, keeping busy is good.

I had a great time last weekend with a bunch of friends. Got to see some old friends I haven’t seen in awhile and hang out with current ones.

My mental, emotional and physical health has been good. I haven’t worked out in toooooo long. Not sure why I stopped but I know when I do it is very hard to start back up again. Might be why the depression is starting to seep in again.

I had a nightmare or bad dream the other night. It had Carol in it. In the dream it seems that Carol didn’t die and a friend of hers took her away for her to get better. In the dream I discover that she is still alive and became very angry at her friend for lying to me and keeping her to herself. When I came face to face with Carol she was mad at me and didn’t want anything to do with me. She said I let the house get too dirty and is upset with how I’ve started to live my life. In the dream I was devastated and crushed. I kept pleading with her over and over. I woke up crying. It was awful.

Lately I have been thinking of her a lot. The dream made me think about my life and how I’m living it. Am I the type of man today that Carol would be attracted to or want to be with? I don’t know. I’m trying to move on and find the will to continue living. Being alone is not fun and trying to make someone fit is not turning out good.

That’s all for now.

Oh, and I cut my hair!

Myspace

I did it. I created a Myspace account and put a few things up. So, if your into that sort of thing there it is. WARNING: It is going to contain a lot of satirical content and dry humor. This blog will stay as a journal tool to communicate my recovery from grief. Myspace will be a place to simply communicate and express whatever is on my mind. The link to Myspace is to the right of the page where I put the "Follow Blogs" tool.

Take care,

Kel

New Things to Look At

Hi everyone! I was looking around and noticed some new cool features for blogger. I found that someone is a "Follower" of my blog. I was able to look around and found a widget that will let people follow my blog when I add something new to it. So I added it and will try it out for awhile. Let me know what you think.

What's been up with me? A lot. I wish I could blog about it but I can't. I try and think of ways to write and share but I can't. I can say I'm living life as much as I can. I almost got hit and killed in an intersection the other day. I didn't have my cell phone and it made me think about dying and who would know I was in a hospital dying. How long would it take for them to contact someone and who would they contact?

I have a roommate again. Did I share that yet? I don't think so. This time I went with a Female instead of a male. I know the pervs out there are rolling their eyes and crossing their arms and giving me that dirty look. But it's not like that. I actually feel very comfortable with a woman as a roommate. I guess because I lived with a woman for over 10 years that I feel better around a woman than a man.

Last night I had another dream about Carol. I have been having a lot of them lately.

That's all for now....

Kel

A Favor for My Five

I have a favor to ask all five of you who read my blog. Some of you might remember Carol was active in CFRI and other activities for Cystic Fibrosis. Someone has asked that I put up a request for friends of Carols to help them out. The primary purpose of my blog is to help me heal from the tragic death and loss of my wife, lover and best friend. I don't want to confuse people with trying to inject other content. Is this a personal story blog or a support for CF?

I will make an exception here. All that is being requested of me is to ask all Five of you to take some time and read a few stories and vote. No requests for money or volunteer time except the time you donate to read the stories.

Please follow this link if you wish to help out. www.solvaycaresscholarship.com

Kel

Single Again

On Monday I had to step up and make the call to someone whom I've been dating to tell her I think it best if we don't see each other as a couple. For privacy reasons I won't go into details. We are still friends and harbor no ill feelings. Sometimes two people know when it's the end of page in a chapter. There is nothing wrong with ending it and turning the page to start a new one.

I don't know why I continue to get into relationships when I know, for now, I'm happy being single. I travel a lot and plan to travel more next year. This puts a burden on two people who are starting out in a relationship. I'm not ready to do the work I need to do to make it successful. Sound selfish and cruel? I hope not.

Kel

Relitivity

Some things are just relative. If someone makes 40k a year, buying a car and having a $600 dollar a month payment is not unreasonable. If someone makes 80k a year would a $1200 a month payment be unreasonable? I have friends that spend $1200 a month on child care. If someone is single and has no children to take care of, why would it be bad to spend that on something that is a lot of fun and brings a since of enjoyment? I guess to some people this would seem out of line and too far over the edge of what is appropriate. I think it's all just relative to the person and situation.

F-Bombs

I sometimes wonder if I should edit or delete posts after I've made them. I think I've only done that once or twice and only because it involved the privacy on someone else. For me though, I've continued to put myself out there. Raw and unedited. It my be offensive, abrasive, or frustrating to some of my 5. I apologize. I try to think about someone else reading this who has suffered a loss. They might find them self without warning suddenly feeling something. It is kinda cool that they may read this and go, "Oh hell yes! I know exactly what he means." Then they don't feel so all alone with grief.

also I kinda like dropping the F-Bomb once in a while.....

Oh, and BTW, feeling much better today.

18 months

it's been 18 months. fuck i hate this shit

oops.....

Sorry about that.

We came back from Vegas on Monday then I left for Huntsville, AL on Tue. I'm still out here. I really really like the work. I'm getting to do some things I've always wanted to do. It is kinda simple and repetitious but I still like it. We have ran into an issue here and there so I'm still here.

How was the weekend? Well, I played craps twice and won about $300. That is very good as I played for about 6 hours each time and would start with $300. That means I walked away each time with about $150. I like that. Not real big time money but money just the same right?

I really enjoyed my time with my new "friend". I would love to talk about everything, what I think how I feel problems challenges etc etc. But I think it best not to out of respect for her and her privacy. We know some of the same people and at lest 2 out of the five people who read this would know who I'm talking about.

I've had dreams of Carol again. I've been real sad when I think about her and how much I miss her. I'm doing my best to heal and move on. Giving time time. It is almost 18months. Imagine that, a year and a half. Is it bad to be selfish and think of myself during the last 18months and look back at where I've come? What about all the other people who was an active member in Carol's life? How are they doing? What about her sister? I emailed her once and she sent a very short reply back and I've never heard from her again. How is she doing? Carol was the last member of her immediate family. What about Carols friends? So many would call and talk to her about the problems they were having. Who do they call now? Do they sit at night and think about how much they miss her?

Kel

Las Vegas Part 4

Going to Vegas this weekend. Staying at the Bellagio again. Doing the spa thing again and this time seeing a show.

...oh, and I'm bringing along a new friend..... ( I can hear all five of you groaning!!!)

Kel

43 + 2 Days

Well, I'm 2 days into my 43rd birthday. I just wanted to write a quick post to let everyone I got through it ok. I spent the day with someone real nice. Saturday I hung out with friends. I have more I want to share but I'm kinda tired right now. Maybe later...

Kel

43

I'm 43 today. I cried on my way to work. I miss Carol.

and Just Like That...

Friends of mine have been encouraging me to install an alarm system for the house. I travel a lot and it would be a good idea to have one. I was lucky to have one in the house already. The sales guy came out and looked at everything and told me it would be easy to swap out all the gear for their own. I set up a time for them to come out.

As some of you know one of the last places/things that I've been holding on to is Carol's coats. She 'loved' her coats. She loved it when it was cold outside and she would bundle up in one of her fav coats and beam this big bright smile. Every once and awhile I would open up the closet and see them in there and think I need to take them to goodwill or something. But then I would close it and think I'll do it another time.

So the tech came out to install the alarm system. The main box just happens to be in the front closet. He came in talked a little bit, looked around, opened the closet door and Just Like That grabbed all of Carol's coats and took them out. My first reactions was like, "WTF!?" My heart skipped a beat. I stood there looking at them on the sofa arm rest. Then, Just Like That, I thought "It's time" and started going through all the pockets and making a pile.

After everything was done, I took all the coats to Goodwill. No crying, no cathartic or sad emotions. Later I was eating at Nancys. I was going through my contacts in my phone when I came across Carol's cell number. I would see it from time to time but could never bring myself to delete it. Sitting there, Just Like That... I pushed "Options, Erase, Yes" and it was done.

Where do we go from here?

Now that I have put the breaks on the whole dating thing I have time to pause and look at my life. Where I'm at now and where I would like to go. Kinda heavy and deep sorry. One thing that bothers me more than anything is a lack of a pattern in my life. I mean I still haven't figured out this being alone thing. Each day is random and unpredictable. I may do this or I may do that or I may, bla bla bla.

With Carol, she always had a pattern in her life. Even when she was sick she still did things according to the day that she planed on doing it. This day is for vacuuming, this day is dusting, this day is cat box, this day is clean the bathroom etc etc.

I'm looking at my life and what I do from day to day and there is no structure to it. Of course it doesn't help that I travel a lot and I have friends that call up and say lets go eat sushi. I do, though have a bit of a routine now that I think about it: Monday night I go see friends, Tue night I go see friends, Fri, Sat I go hang out with friends or they come hang out with me. That leaves Wed/Thur(or tur as is was seen on a suhi banner the other day) and Sunday to try and find some kind of regular house keeping, projects, TV watch or others things.

Believe it or not, I "still" haven't played computer games that much. I'm starting to get a bit concerned. Computer games has always been a big part of my life even before I met Carol. Since her loss I still haven't had the feeling to play or play the way I used to play. That would suck if I lost that completely. (Of course I can hear Carol saying that would be a good thing!)

I wrote mostly about the short term things in life. I still wonder about the long term things. Do I still live here, should I move, should I get a new job. I think about those things a lot. But I'm very happy with where I love and my job.

So for now, I stay.

Strippers Rock!

I imagine all 5 of the people who read this blog once a week or so are wondering what the hell happened to me? I was blogging along and then silence. A little blip about a movie review and nothing more.

It seems that I have come to some realizations that I was not willing or ready to admit to myself. As everyone (all 5 of you) have read, I have been trying to heal and move on with life after the loss of Carol. At first I was like “I’m F’n going to do this damn it!” then in time it became, “Hey, I would really like to go out with someone.”

So off I go to e-h and go on some dates. All of which I liked and had no horror stories to tell. No ducking out after excusing myself to the bathroom and calling to tell her I don’t think it will work out…. No, all were great experiences.

But something happened while I was in Lompoc for work. I was setting up all the times and locations for dates coming up. Then I had a dream. Carol was in it. When I woke up I had this overwhelming feeling that she was trying to tell me it’s not time yet.

I remember thinking, “WTF!?” It’s just a dumb dream. A part of my subconscious trying to tell me I’m still bla bla bla… It means nothing, just a dream. But as much as I tried to forget about it and move on, it still was with me. Kinda sucks to go on a date with the haunting image of your dead wife telling you it’s not time yet. That’s what’s called a Grade A BuzzKill.

So I continued on but just before this weekend I knew what I needed to do. I needed to let the women know about what is going on and what my intentions are. Man I hate that. How do you tell someone who is a great person that you are not ready yet and that it has nothing to do with them, times more than one person? I’ve wanted so desperately to blog about what I’m doing and how I’m feeling but was afraid to put it out there.

I finally broke down and sent out my emails today saying I’m not ready. The cool part is, I’m not. I finally get it now. It takes a lot of time and energy to invest in building a relationship with someone else. I’ve come to understand that I need to continue to heal from the loss of Carol. Until I’m healed, I’m of no value to anyone.

Which brings me to my final comment: Strippers Rock!

Mamma Mia!

Here is a great review of Mamma Mia!

One Week Later

What a week a difference makes in peoples lives. I know a week has made a big difference in my life. Last week I was all sad that I have been repeatedly rejected and was going to be all alone for the rest of my life.

This week I don't feel the same way. That's all I can say for now!

Kel

Must Have/Can't Stand

I'm off to Palm Springs for a few days. I'm going as the third wheel with a couple. My own room of course... It is expected to be around 115 degrees there this weekend. I might get a spa treatment.

The rejections on eHarmony still continue to come but I'm becoming acclimated to them. I have matches that I'm not interested in but don't have the heart to reject or "Close" as they say. I'm not sure how long they stay on there before dropping off. I sent my list of "Must Have/Can't Stand" to the one person I'm been going through the "Guided Communication" with. I'm not sure I like that part though. When I read my "Can't Stands", and the way they word what I say, it makes me sound kinda like a dick.

"I can't stand it when...."
"I can't stand someone who...."

I don't use that language to begin with. I am normally a very tolerant person. If I'm not comfortable with something about someone I try not to use words of absolutes. If it is too much, I simply stop hanging out with them. It's not my job to change others to make me feel better.

So we'll see if I get past this stage. I hope so.

Kel

tom, marc and keith

welcome home. you were not forgotten.

That Didn't Last Long

The Rejectathon ended today. I got accepted by someone to start the process of communication. Not sure if or when the rejection will come but at lest I got past the first part. I also got a request to "FastTrack" communicate with someone but I did the rejection this time. Man, do I feel like shit. So Day three is starting to look better and I'm starting to adjust to how things work. The key is to have thick skin and not take things personal. After all I've been through, I think I can learn this.

Kel

Rejectathon

I'm day two into my eHarmony Rejectathon. So far I've been rejected 5 times without so much as a hello. Just to make myself feel better, I rejected 7 of my own before they had a chance to reject me. I felt better. I think that eHarmony is nothing more than who gets the drop on who for the rejection. I don't think anyone actually makes an effort to communicate with anyone. I think it's all about who will be the first to reject the other. I think I've come late in the game. I think rejections used to happen a lot later during the communication stage. But now people don't want to risk being rejected first so they just do it right from the earliest opportunity.

Is this healthy for me?

Kel

eHarmony

So, I broke down and signed up and created an account on eHarmony. I figured I'm ready to start meeting people and have coffee, talk, etc, etc. This Saturday I was missing having someone to simply go to a movie with or hang out. I was trying to think of who I could call..... no one. (sigh) Rather than feel sorry for myself I thought I'd do something about it. Put myself out there and see what happens!

Oh man was I wrong. They need to put a disclaimer on the site when you sign up and pay your money that your first contact with someone is going to be rejections. Within less than 24 hours I get three rejections! I didn't even get a chance to say "hello" and I get the door slammed in my face! Nice way to start out. In all fairness, I would prefer to have someone say they are not interested from the beginning and save a lot of time and effort. There is nothing worse in the character of a person who leads someone on to think there might be potential for a relationship knowing full well that they have no intention at all of doing anything. I think it is quite awful for a person knowing that to take advantage and use that person for everything they can get. A person like that, in my opinion, is a very ugly person. So I'm grateful that the woman that have started to reject me, without meeting me, are doing so from the beginning.

Should I continue to weather the rejections? How long should I hang in there?

Kel

Home

It's almost 3am and I can't sleep. It is too frigin quiet! I'm used to street noise etc etc. But here, it is absolutely quiet and it is making me hear things. My ears are ringing too. Plus I'm still in another time zone.

Expect the worst
Hope for the best.

Expect the best
Fear for the worst.

Sometimes when I look at the future I am either of the two. The first one is a rather pessimistic way to live. But there are very little surprises. The second is optimism that breads resentments.

How was my return home? I'll just say I was not surprised.

Kel

The End of this Journey

I'm at the end of this month long Journey. I'm at the airport hanging out getting ready for my plane trip home.

Looking back at my Journey what do I have to say that can summarize everything? Did I have a life changing moment? Did I meet a beautiful European woman and fall in love? Did I have moments of peace and joy? Bottom line, was it worth it?

I have been thinking again about this blog and when to end it. My life is not defined by my loss or my grief. My loss has been the most profound event in my life. It rocked the very foundation of my soul. It is not unusual to document this process and this Journey. But my life is not defined by a single event. At some point I must put aside the past and take a step into the unknown without regret or reservation. During my travels here in Europe I've thought a lot about bringing this blog to an end.

I'm not sure when but it will end soon. The problem is I have come to enjoy writing about myself and my experiences. I know that sounds very self centered and egotistical. I don't mean it that way. I have just enjoyed thinking about things that happened to me and how I would write them on my blog. I like wondering if people read it and what they think about what I write. It is hard to give that up. I could start another blog but I'm just not sure right now. I'm grateful there is no urgency in making my decision. I just wanted to share with everyone that this blog will end.

I'm just not sure when.

Kel

Back in $$$London$$$

Checked into a hotel down the street from the one I stayed at when I got here. The room was cheaper. Nice room.... Then I logged on to get a one day pass for the Internet.

$60.00 dollars a frigin day!!!!

So, I paid 6.00 for 30min and checked email and made my posts.

I can't wait to get the heck out of here....

Kel

Leaving Europe

I'm on the EuroStar on my way back to London for my last two days. I don't know how fast I'm going but I know I'm haling ass. So fast that you really can't see anything because it goes by so fast. I kinda like that. I'm really ready to leave Europe. I've learned that when you ask someone here in Paris if they speak English they will say no or "a little". What I've learned what "a little" means is this: Yes, I am very fluent in English. I will listen to you until I am board with you are pissed with you. Then I will pretend I don't understand you and walk away.

Having had my last bash at the French let me say a few more things about my observations.

The French are a very proud people. Their attitude of independence and confidence is very powerful. They have a very rich and ancient history that is reflected in thier art and architecture. They are a beautiful people. More than anything I love the sound of thier language. Of all the languages I've encountered here, French is the most wonderful to listen to. As much as I have complained about my frustration at not understanding it I am equally envious that I don't speak it. I have tired to say a few things and when I hear my own voice say the words it grimace at the sound of it. The French language most be spoken with the appreciation it deserves.

I think I would like to return to France some day. I might pass on Paris and spend some time in the South.

Before I left people had made comments about how this trip will change my life. Now that I'm coming to the end of it I'm trying to see how or if I've changed. I am different as I have blogged before but I'm not sure if that change would have occurred on it's own or was it as a result of being here? I didn't have a "Razor Edge" type of experience. Someone asked before I left if I was coming back. They were joking but I think maybe they also was serious. Did anything happen here that makes me want to stay? No. I have met some great people. People I want to see again. But my home is in California. My friends are in California. My family is in California.

It is time for me to come home to the people I love and the people who love me.

Kel

Paris Part 4

Feeling much better today. I went out with some friends and was able to vent also and talk about things. In the end I always end up being grateful. I mean my god, I'm in frigin Paris! How bad can things be? I guess out of 25 days, I'm going to have one bad one.

Kel

Paris Part 3

Sorry for this but I have to vent!

F#$% F%#$ F$%#!!!!

I have a bit of down time and would like to just relax and play a computer game or two right? NOT! My F'n hotel blocks the ports I need to get to the service to order the games. I came to Starbucks to pay for Internet to get unblocked ports and now my credit cards are declined when trying to pay for the games to download. France has an international ban on anything English including PC-Games. In the states when you get a game you have the option to select a language. Not in F'n France! France language Only! F%#$!

I've been trying to be patient and just let things go and go with the flow. But I'm really tired of this place and want to leave but I paid for the room in advance through a website. So I'm frigin stuck here till Thursday.

Sorry for the harsh language. I just needed to vent. I'm at Starbucks right now and just paid for an hour of Internet to have time I need to download a game and just found out I can't.

AAHHHH!!!!!

Normandy

I broke down and paid for a guided tour of the landing beaches of Normandy. I have always been a amature WWII history buff. I have watched The Longest Day about 500 times. Every time Carol would bust me watching it I would try to convince her it was a new WWII movie I had never seen. It worked about 5 times till she started to recognize some of the parts of the movie.

It started at 7am which meant I had to get up at 5am and find my way to the place. I got there about 6:45am. I tried to find a Starbucks but couldn't. Right across the street was a coffee shop. I stepped in and got a double espresso. When I got the bill I almost asked the guy to laugh out load in my face so I would feel better for being a foul for stepping into this place to get coffee. 4.70 Euros for two shots of espresso. that's almost $7.50.

On the bus and off we go. What can I say.... Well, I got to fulfill a life long dream to stand on the beach of Omaha. I took some great pictures and will never forget the feeling of awe and somber reflection of that day when 10,000 American men in their 20s died on this beach. To think about courage of the men left alive to continue on while their friends died around them.

I was going to write about the tour and some of the things that bugged me but when I was standing on sacred ground and reflect on the suffering and sacrifice all these men made, how bad could any day be for anyone? How easy it is to fall into trivial problems and make them more than they really are. To think all these great men died on the 6th of June 1944 so that I could have the freedom to ride on a bus and feel pissy about something.

It makes me think and ask if my freedom and my life been worth thier sacrifice? I think about the person Carol was and how she lived a life in-spite of knowing she was going to die any moment of any day. In-spite of her suffering, she still thought about me and how to make my life better. At the risk of getting hate mail from those who think differently, I think Carol and the men who died on that beach had a lot in common when it comes to character and courage. I think of my own character and courage and doubt that I could ever be a tenth of the person these men and Carol where.

I may not have known these men, but I knew who these men were.

kel

Paris Part 2

I'll start with my journey getting here. I had a general idea of where the hotel was and from my experience so far of traveling through London, Lisbon, Berlin, and Amsterdam thought I would be ok getting to my hotel in Paris. BZZZZZ!!!! Wrong! As it turns out, no one in the country of France speaks English and are more than willing to tell anyone that fact in French. My attempts to ask for help or direction resulted in several people shaking their heads and waving me off. I found a both where I assumed I could buy at ticket and was able to do so. While I put up the paper of the name of the town I needed to go to all I was able to get out of her reply was "E". I assumed it meant the letter E for the subway. So, off I went to the letter "E". When I saw all the stops on the subway line, none looked anything like what I was looking for. I figured I was supposed to take "E" to another place and then transfer to another train. Shit.

The brilliant mind that I have thought I should get a map. Feeling better I got one. One that did not have my town on it.... But I was able, somehow, to see where I was and guessed at the next station to get off at. To make a long story short, I somehow found my station to transfer to the train to the name of the town I needed to be at. Next was finding my hotel. I had the name of the street on a paper and you would think even if I don't speak French and No One speaks English I could simply show my street name on the paper and they could simply "point" to the direction I needed to go. BZZZZ!!!! Wrong! If they hear English they are trained in school to speak rude words to you in French and wave your hands and walk away. Somehow I found a map on a billboard on a street corner and found my street which resulted in finding my hotel. The receptionist at the hotel must be some kind of freakish outcast among the French people. I felt pity on him. He spoke English.

Kel

Paris Part 1

I have a lot to share about Paris so far but I need to get out of my room. Ever feel like you need a vacation while on a long vacation? I did. I got here Monday and met some friends Monday night. I was supposed to go out Tuesday but woke up with my back hurting. Not real bad but it was like it could get worse if I don't slow down and take it easy. I had been feeling up till then that I just need to take a few days and sit and relax. I think I've walked 30 to 40 miles so far in two weeks. I sleep great and dreamed a lot of very cool dreams. I had my dream of being recalled to active duty again. Strange I keep having that....

So I'm off to see Paris. I might get one of those City tour buses and get my direction of where everything is. On Friday I have a 14 hour Landing Beaches of Normandy tour. I had to do that. It was a bit expensive but I figured I may never have a chance to see it again.

That's all for now,

Kel

Sad Goodbye Amsterdam

Here are just a few of the friends I made in Amsterdam. The buff guy sitting next to me is/was from my home town, Portland OR. We even knew some of the same people from a long time ago. I'm so grateful I took the time to take a short break and stay here. Some people know Amsterdam by rumors and Urban Legends. I can say from personal experience that I saw a few but I will leave Amsterdam with a sad goodbye. For me, Amsterdam made my life richer. Thank you to everyone who took the time and hang out with me.

and remember.... I was never 'really' there.... (sorry, inside joke)

Kel

Fundamental Transformation

I was reading a book once and it was talking about people going through dark times in their lives. It listed all the things I was feeling and going through. At the end it said that was called a "Fundamental Transformation". I remember being pissed at that. What the F does that mean? It's like they outline all these things and then when they don't know what to say it means they just throw something out that sounds kinda cool. What dose it really mean? At the time I gave up on it and went on with life.

I haven't been blogging much about my grief. I've been all into my European Journey and detailing my travels. Although I haven't wrote about it I have been thinking a lot about Carol. I have shared my loss with others I've meet along the way and am surprised I still find myself chocked up and cry at times. Under the surface it is still there, perhaps it will always be there.

I am different though today. I do feel like some fundamental part of me as a person has and is transforming into to a new person. I am accepting the person I am becoming and not resisting the change or trying to hang onto the memory of Carol. I'm not trying to force it to happen either. I can just sort of "feel" it happening. Like I don't really need to do anything but sit and watch the transformation. What I mean by "not do anything" is that I don't have to consciously try and work my way through the healing process. I still have to live and go through my daily life.

There are things I want today. There are relationships I want to have today. There are new friends I want to meet today. There are new places I want to see and enjoy today.

I am half way through my trip. I'm in Amsterdam. I went out for coffee with a bunch of people I just met. Wonderful fun people. We all laughed and joked and would talk all serious. I plan on hanging out with them tonight and tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to finding out who I will meet in Paris.

That's all for now. I hope everyone enjoys their weekend.

Kel

Next Stop Amsterdam

I'm off to Amsterdam tomorrow for two days. Then I leave for Paris Monday morning. I looked around and found a room 1.5 North of Paris for 10 days for $1600. That's not bad is it? I have a nice room with my own bathroom and high-speed internet at no extra cost.

I figured that I wanted to spend a significant amount of time at one place. It seems just as I get to know my way around I'm off to the next place. I thought it would be nice to stay in one place long enough to know my way around. I think Paris would be a good place for that. I might be able to take day trips around France and have a place to come back to at night. I might be able to take a day trip to Normandy and see things there. I would really like to see the D-Day landing areas.

Kel

Berlin PostOffice Does NOT take Credit Cards!

My last day in Berlin. I thought I'd come down to Starbucks and catch up on my blogs. Up until today, I have been not carrying anything around. I wear a plane tee shirt which helps me blend in. Today though, I took my backpack and immediately got hit up by Gypsies and other predators. I'm sure I've been cursed or something now.

I found a store with old Photographs of Berlin and Germany. Not real real old, only like from the early 50s. I saw one and fell in love with it. But it's $300. Is that too much?
See, there are other activities in Berlin that a perfectly legal here but not in the US. You would think that a single healthy middle aged male would be obliged to partake in activities. As they say, "when in Rome..." Call me what ever you want but I keep thinking of the things I could buy that would be something that could come back with me and be a part of my life for the rest of my life. For $300 I can bring a piece of Berlin back with me and put on my wall and talk about the things I saw and the people I met. Or I can get a 30min E-Ticket ride that is not for general conversations....

I think I'll get the picture.

So I got the picture... and found the Post-Office and after four tips through the line found out (after everything was stamped labeled etc etc...) that they don't take credit cards! I was so lucky I had just enough Euros to pay for it.

Take care all, next stop Amsterdam

Kel

Berlin

Well let me just start off by saying Berlin and I didn't get along at first. We had a bit of a bumpy road.

WARNING: Strong Adult Language to follow!

It's FUCKING HOT!!!!

OMG! It is so frigin hot here. I checked into my room and it's like Africa Hot. I look for the air conditioning... HA! NOT! I have a room that faces West. I have a window I could open but no air comes in. I am literally sweating in my room standing still. The second fan I got worked. But there are no plugs around the bed. So I had to plug it in by the main door and stretch it out to the bed. For some reason the bathroom is higher than the regular floor. My toes found that out in the middle of the night. Ouch!

Laundry. You would think it would be easy to ask where a laundry-mat is right? No. The girl was mystified at the request and tried looking for one on the Internet. After about 15min I asked, "Where does everyone smoke Crack?" She looked horrified! I said I bet where everyone smokes crack is a laundry mat because no one who smokes it can own a washer and dryer. She didn't think that was funny.... I did.

I found one the next day, next to an adult book store!

I ended my day with clean clothes and a nice walk around Berlin.

Kel

Lisbon 2

I apologize for the absence in my blog entries. I've been good about posting pics everyday but haven't sat down to write about my journey. I will start with Lisbon again. Specifically, two wonderful people I met there. Meguel and Jacqueline. I enjoyed hanging out with them and talking about many things. Although she is British, she has dual citizenship with Portugal. She can speak both languages easily. They both were examples of the wonderment and beauty of the Portugal people and the life there. I am in Berlin now and the contrast is amazing. To be fair though, Berlin is a multicultural city.

No one knows the future or what will happen. I'm not say that I can read the future and can predict things. No. While spending time with both of these people I was reminded of something. The way they communicated with each other. The way they communicated with others when one was not around reminded me of something. Something that I lost. When I was with both of them I was reminded of my own marriage and Carol. There are no guarantees in the world so all I can do is wish they get to live together a long time.

Thank you, thank you for your generosity and your friendship.

Kel

Lisbon

I am totally OSD when it comes to getting to airports early. I have know idea why but I must arrive early. It seems I over did it when I flew to Lisbon from London. Because I was flying on an airline I have never flown on I was a bit nervous about how it would all work. I ended up at Gatwick 6 hours early...oops. So I got to know Gatwick quite well. The flight was just like Southwest used to be. Everyone line up and like cattle, rush the gate! I was lucky and got a window seat. They charge for everything, I mean everything. No free drinks or coffee.When we arrived I couldn't stop smiling. Finally a a country I haven't been to before. I was so excited. Like a dumbass I burned up all my battery power playing Texas Hold'm. When I got here the name and address of the hotel was on my computer. So I had to guess at the name. I told the person I asked that it started with the letter B. That seem to not be enough.... So as luck would have it I ended up at a hotel starting with the letter B two blocks from another hotel starting with the letter B that was the right one! My room is great. I have a hard line internet access but it still cost $20 a day. A friend in England told me to stop complaining about how much everything is and just get over it. That is so hard to do though. I just sent my clothes to laundry and the cost to do my shirts is half of what the cost of the shirt itself is... ahhhh....

Speaking of my friend in London, I am happy to say that my tan has helped me blend in quite well here. I don't stand out from the crowd as I did in England. I don't think that will be the same when I travel to Berlin on Monday. But I'm working very hard at staying inside during the day and going out only at night.

The city is beautiful. The language is easy to read but impossible to understand. A lady told me her name and it sounded like she said fart in it somewhere and I was "not" going to repeat it!

Sorry for the short post. It is Sunday now and I'm going back to be with some friends I've meet here. Not many pictures here, again sorry. I'll do better in Germany.
Kel

Next Stop: Berlin

I know, I know. I just got here!

But I wanted to make sure I had a room and a flight to Berlin. Figure I'll go from one end to the other. I'm leaving here on the 2nd and stay three nights in Berlin. Then off to Amsterdam I guess or a few places in Germany.

I can't wait till tomorrow. A ton of stuff to see and do here.

Kel

Lisbon!!!

I just landed and got my room in Lisbon. This place is frigin Great! The room is great! I'm so hungry though, got to go eat. Pics to follow tomorrow.

Kel

Reminder: To see photos, follow link "Pictures" on the left. No, the "other" left (right).

To Be Or Not To Be...

...connected to the Internet? That is the frigin Question!

I'm staying one more day here in London. My Internet is about to expire and I'm thinking I should just let it go and wait till Lisbon to see how I get access and how much it will cost there. So for now, You'll have to look through what I've posted so far for pictures. When I get access again, I'm sure I'll have a ton more to put up.

I also wanted to say thank you to Heidi and Isabelle for having coffee with me the other night. They are fellow Couchsurfers and took the time to meet with me and have coffee. We talked a about a lot of things and agreed on everything but how well my tan looks.

Ok, I'm off to start my day. Take care everyone.

Kel

The Best Part of...

... being spontaneous is that you never know what is going to happen next. The worst part of being spontaneous is you never know what is going to happen next.

I went to get my train ticket today to Lisbon. Sold out. The earliest I could get there was Sat night. I need to be there Thursday night. Crap! Now what do I do? A CS (Couch Surfer) told be about Ryan Air. I looked but they don't go to Lisbon. Then the receptionist down stairs (who is from Spain) told me about Easy Jet. So I looked it up and got a one way ticket to Lisbon! I get there Thurs at 8pm. Perfect! The only problem is it cost me another $240 to stay another night in London. Oh Well right?

Kel

London Day 2

I decided to take the train to Lisbon. It seems I would not be saving as much as if I would take the plane. Seems there is no cheep flight to Lisbon. I can get to Madrid but I would be getting there at 10pm at night. Then I have to take the train anyway overnight (that's the only train to Lisbon). So air fare plus lodging will save me a few dollars but I still get there the same time. I like the train because I can see so much more of the country side along the way to Madrid. It may cost me a little more but the adventure might be worth it (both positive and negative).

I'm off to spend a rain free day in London. Pics to follow. After tomorrow it might be a few days before my next post. Wifi access is not like the states here and cost 2x as much when you do find it. I'll continue to take pictures and when I get acess to wifi, post my journey and pics.

Take care all,
Kel

Travel Light

SDC10030, originally uploaded by Navykel.

So, my attempt to post pictures is kicking my ass. I trying to figure out how to embed the java script side bar widget so that I get that cool thing that has pictures rotating around. But.... haven't figured it out yet so I can only post one at a time per-post. Not going to work but for now this will work.

This is everything that I brought for a whole month!

Take note of the link to the right that will take you to my pictures on Flickr. Until I figure out the flash widget, that will have to do.

Kel

London

Just wanted to drop a note that I made to London. Lots to talk about but need to go eat. Got some pics of the party before I left. Will try and get them posted today or tomorrow.

Take care all,

Kel

T- 3 Days

T minus 3 Days and counting.

Not much to post today. I'm getting a lot of feedback and help from people. I have a contact in London and northern Spain already. Haven't heard from anyone from Lisbon yet. It seems Monday is a Holiday in London so I'm looking forward to hanging with people who normally have to work.

Still not sure what I'm doing after Lisbon. I'd like to travel long the Southern Coast of Europe but I am open to where fate may take me.

Kel

T- 6 Days

Tee minus 6 days and counting. I’m starting to get excited. I got a back pack this weekend. Took it home and found out my notebook is going to be a problem. Seems desktop replacements don’t travel well in backpacks. Oh, it will fit but it’s like… 50 lbs. Just Kidding (JK). It’s around 15 I think. So I’m going to buy a light weight notebook and take it with me. I want one to help with traveling, blogging, email and watch my money.

So far it looks like I’ll spend two days in London then hit the train to Lisbon. There is an event I’m going to there and will have a chance to meet a lot of people. I’m hopping someone will let me crash at their place. Thanks April, I registered with the Couchsurfers and have tried to hook up but the short notice may not work for me. I’ll keep trying.

Not sure yet what I’ll do after Lisbon. I’d like to go to the south of Spain and work my way up to the South of France. Whatever I do or where ever I go, I’ll post daily here with pics for everyone to follow along.

Kel

Update: Found this site that has great travel tips.

Europe T-8 Days

Eight Days before I’m off to Europe. Yep, I’m off to Europe for a month. It sounded like a good idea on Tuesday. I got in impulsive thought, followed up with a request at work, got approved to take the time off, followed that up with a non-refundable two way ticket to London. The hangover is starting to kick in as I look for places to aahhhh…. sleep? OMG! I’m so screwed! I’m going tomorrow to get a back pack and sleeping bag. If I have to, I can find a camp-ground or two. I can’t believe how weak the dollar had become. I feel like a citizen of a third world country trying to go away for awhile. I look at hotels in some of the places I want to go and think, “I’m so screwed…” I’m looking at Amsterdam and I can’t find anything for under $100 a night.

So, any help from friends or fans I will take into consideration. I’d like to avoid places that have a high degree of getting robbed. But who knows, that might be a part of the adventure right?

Kel

Carol’s Birthday

Today is/was Carol’s birthday. She would have been 46. Knowing her she would have been very very happy to have another birthday but would not have been happy at all at being 46.

In other news, for the first time in 6 years my cholesterol has finally lowered to normal levels. Carol was always trying to get it to go down for me. Diets and stuff. But it never did. I went and had blood work done to see how it is doing. I guess losing weight and exercise has helped. When I found out I was so happy but then was sad that I had no one to share it with who would really care. I’m sure people are like “Oh yeah! That’s good news.” But I know that Carol would have been giggly happy about it. I miss having someone to share moments like that with.

I’ve had friends send me private emails and have with tact and compassion, reminded me of my situation and that some things are best to leave as fantasy and some things are best to keep in your life because they provide a means to aahhhh… eat?

So for now, I’ll just dream.

Kel

Dreams Part 3

I have been thinking a lot lately about dreams. Not the kind that have me wearing women’s underwear riding backwards on a donkey with clown makeup on smoking a cigarette then wake up and worry that means I might start smoking again. No, I’m talking about dreams of what I want to do in life.

What do I want to do in life? My dream before was to enjoy each and every day with Carol. That dream has ended and it’s time to move on.

I have something that I have been thinking about. I have always had this dream and kept it very private. I have only shared it with a few people, Carol being one of them. It would mean a radical change in life and life style. It is very scary and full of uncertainty. But if I get a chance, it would be something that would present each and every day with wonderment and joy. The risks are very high and the chance of failure almost certain. But the rewards are more about self fulfillment than money.

So Navykel Blog Fans, What do you have to say about this? Be conservative and take the easy way out in life, or take the leap with eyes wide open?

Kel

The loss of a Good Friend

While working at Azusa, I I had the opportunity to meet and become friends with David. He was as much as a smart ass as I am. We had to work on a project together and despite the rough edges, we got along great. He was always some I could talk to about anything. He always supported me and encouraged me to do my best.

I will miss you David.

200 Push-Ups

I remember Carol asking me how many push-ups I could do. It was way back when I was fat and out of shape. I got down and was ashamed I could only do 20. My arms were shaking and I was straining to try and get the last one out. I remember her sitting in the chair shaking her head back and forth saying I need to start getting in shape because when she gets new lungs, she’s going to be able to kick my ass at almost anything.

I have continued to exercise and stay in shape since last May. I don’t get to the gym as often as I want to but I have weights at home that I use ever day. While on travel I do push-ups and sit ups to maintain my health. I am amazed today that I can do 50 push-ups wait, 40, wait, 30, wait, 20, wait, then 10. After 30min I go for one last push for another 50. I just can’t believe I can do that.

Not much of a blog entry but I promised a very good friend I’d post something since it’s been awhile and people like to know what’s going on. My last two posts have been a bit dark and depressing. I told someone the other day that I feel better but I don’t feel good. Is that possible?

Kel

Left Behind

After my last post I'd thought I'd best not leave everyone wondering how I'm doing. It's kinda of a long story and not ready to go into great details about it yet. I am talking to people and I'll just say I have no secrets that I'm keeping to myself about anything that is going on. At lest two people who are close to me knows everything that is going on. I plan on opening up to others this weekend.

Death is not easy for those left behind.

1 Year + 1 Month

Not doing good.

I blog about the times I’m not doing good and I get all kinds of encouragements and people saying how strong I am and that I will get through this. I hold back a lot on saying how things are because I don’t want to sound like I don’t believe them or that I’m stuck in the perpetual grief cycle. I’m afraid people will get tired of hearing me share about how bad things are. “Time to get over Kelly and move on with your life.” Is what I hear in my head from people.

But I’m not doing good. In fact, I’m I feel like I’m losing ground. I feel like I’m falling down a bottom less pit and the sides are made of black sticky residue. When try to reach out and grab hold of something my fingers just pass through it and never seem to get a hold of anything. My life has no meaning anymore. I have no goals or ambitions. All I do is get up go to work, come home, go to bed. I don’t play computer games anymore and I don’t watch TV any more. I try to stay busy as much as I can. I try to date and meet someone else. But I feel like I’m and just going through the motions of what is expected of me. I do it because that’s the next indicated thing to do. Fake it till I make it.

I’m getting scared.

Las Vegas Part 3

I decided to take another trip to Vegas. I always wanted to stay at the Bellagio because it has the lake and fountain that plays to music. The idea of getting a room with a view of that sounded really cool. While getting the reservation I took a look at the spa packages and decided to go ahead and pay for one and see how it goes. Usually when I do this I always get screwed. When I checked in at the front desk I noticed they had me staying in the Spa Tower. While making my reservation, I got a room with a “partial” view. To me this meant if you look really hard around the corner you can see the edge to of the lake. I was shocked when I walk into my room and saw the view. I was so happy I had to take pictures and send it to everyone!

As I have already said in other posts, I like to play craps. I had been spending time trying to learn a particular disciplined approach to playing craps and was egger to try it. The only problem was I was set up to play the “right” better. Meaning I was set up to bet with the shooter. All weekend the tables were very cold. If I had been ready to be a “wrong” better, I would have done very well.

Saturday at 1pm I checked into my spa deal. I was nervous and unsure what I was getting myself into. The package I got started with some kind of water massage. It was going to be like an hour to and hour and a half long. The lady came and got me and took me into a room that had a small pool in the center. The lights were dim and soft music. I got in the water and she put floats on my knees to help me float in the water. During the massage she supported my head to keep my mouth above water. The experience was overwhelming. I closed my eyes and just let myself go. Soon it became obvious to me that I could really let a lot of grief go here. I surrendered and started to cry. Not like over the top boo hoo cry but just a constant flow of tears. I allowed my self to imagine the most horrible things about how Carol suffered, her pain, I even imagined what her last moments must have been like and what she might have said knowing she was going to die. Then something strange happened, the bad memories started to become less and less. Out of no where I started to have memories of Carol that were good ones. I started to smile and laugh. For the first time since she died, I felt happy when I thought about her.

My next thing was a body polish. I won’t talk about that….

Then I had lunch. While taking me to the meditation room for lunch I passed a sign that said “Reserved for Private Party”. I walked in and my lunch was waiting. I couldn’t believe it, I had the whole meditation room to myself with lunch for a whole hour!

Next was a hands, feet and scalp massage. The guy started talking and I told him I had never done anything like this before. He asked me how it was so far. My replay was, “It is better than putting a gun to my head.” I then began to share about my last year and that I had been hopping that this year would be better but it hasn’t been. This was an attempt to try something to help me.

Sunday came and the craps tables where still rolling cold and I decided to come home. I’m feeling better today. Not great but not like I was. I guess it comes down to taking each day as they come.

PTSD

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

I've been debating if I should blog this or not. It sort of puts me out there with a self-disclosure of a health issue that might be used against me. I decided to do it because it is something that had become a serious problem in my life and my ability to successfully let go and move on. I hope that someone who reads this that has suffered as I have might see this as a road map of what lies ahead or a way of knowing they are not alone.

Before I begin I want to go on record as saying this, I love(d) Carol. I would give anything to have her here today in my life and sharing everything together. Period. She was my lover, my best friend, my soul-mate.

With that said, here we go...

Stress.
In the beginning with Carol it was not that bad. She worked two jobs and took care of the house. I was unemployed and was doing my best to figure out what the hell to do with my life. She would cough at night but not that bad. November of 97 changed everything. She hit the wall and had to be admitted to the hospital. She was near death. For the next three years everything was still ok. Most of the stress came from Insurance and billing. She would go on IVs every so often.

Soon see began to become pan resistant. Meaning that her bugs in her lungs were mutating to the point that no antibiotic would help her. That was when she got listed for transplant the first time. As time went by the mutation changed and opened up more antibiotics and she decided to come of the list.

Then the day came when they delivered Oxygen. I remember that day. It was devastating for her. She cried all night. I cried all night. She was so god damn stubborned that she would resist it as long as possible.

At this point the stress was still only bad when she would get real sick and get admitted. Each time she would go in there was always this thought of was she going to come out. I think that's when it started to get real hard for me. Someone I started working for was not supportive of people with family problems and made things more difficult for me than it needed to be. I was demoted to a non critical position and stuck in the corner away from everyone I worked with.

Bleeding.
Then the bleeding started. She would have it happened maybe once a year or so and never real bad. But then it started happening more frequently. In July of 96 she had a massive bleed. I wrote about it detail on her blog. If you want you can look for it in the month of July on her blog. After that the stress became very hard. I wasn't conscience of it. It was just something I dealt with the best way I could. But after that day I would worry every day if or when it would happen again. Most of all I worried it would happen while I was at work and no one would be there to help her and she would die. Every time I didn't get a call or an email at work I would worry that she had bled to death. Every time I would come home and hear and siren I would worry it was going to my house. Every time I would come home and turn the corner I would worry that fire trucks would be parked outside my home.

Death.
Then it happened. It happened just the way we both feared the most.

Today.
I have tried to date other women. I have found myself reacting to stress in a relationship or the beginning stages of a relations that is not right. It's difficult to explain. It's like if something comes up my reaction to it is not proportionate to what is going on. I am shocked that I find myself having physical reactions to stress. My heart rate will shoot up, my gut will go into a knot and I'll start to breath fast. It's like I'm starting to panic and I don't know why.

That's when it started to dawn on me that I might not have escaped the stress of living with Carol totally intact. The trauma of living with someone who can die any moment of any day, then dying the way I feared the most has left me in not good shape. Women I date quickly see this and bail out. This only adds to the stress that I can't have a normal healthy relationship. I keep repeating the cycle over and over again.

Healing.
I want to heal. I want to move on. I have decided to seek professional help. I don't think it will happen over night. However, I am committed to learning how to live with and responded to stress in a healthy manner.

Wish me luck and say a prayer for me?

Kel (AKA #1fan of Cutecarols)

Feeling better

I was driving into work today and had a moment were I felt better than I have since the 15th. I actually felt "happy(?)". It was an odd experience and quickly went away!

I have a busy weekend planned. I was diving Friday night but the wave models show 4 to 6 foot waves Friday night. Not a good way to go into and out of the surf. So I might go out to Riverside to see some friends. Saturday I might go for a bike ride in the morning then I have a 1pm Tee time to play golf. I had planned to go down to San Diego late Sunday on the bike. I was going to go with a friend and others on their bikes. But it looks like rain and I'm not into riding in the rain yet. So that leaves my Sunday open.

I figure something out.

Kel

No Title...

I'm taking my bike in for service today. I'm ashamed that I've had it a year and only put 1000 miles on it. It's a beautiful bike and is very nice to ride. Why I don't ride it more I don't know. On Sunday I plan to go on a long ride to San Diego and back. I might ride with a friend or two and someone said she would like to ride with me. That would be nice.

I hate depression. I mean, I really hate it. I'm exercising, talking with friends, and keeping busy. It still seems to seep it's way into my mind and soul. I was telling someone it's like watching the tide come in. Slowly, it creeps it's way up. Not like a rush or real fast, just a slow deliberate assault on the mind.

This year is not going quite as planed. I thought that I would be better, more positive and it would be easier to let go. That does not seem to be the case.

I'm going to try dating again. That is an odd thing dating. Someone explained to me that I'm like a guy who has lived in the wilderness for all my life and then suddenly dropped in the middle of New York City. I had a loving wonderful relationship with someone. Now I'm in the middle of an environment I am completely unaccustomed to. I'm lucky I have friends I can call and ask things to.

Anyway that's all for me today. I still don't know what to do with this blog. I have had people say I should keep writing. I don't know...

Kel

Alone

I went to Sacramento this weekend. I decided to go at the last minute after talking with a friend. There was an event going on where about 4 - 10 thousands people would be there. There would be a chance I would run into some old friends and make new ones. I thought about what it would be like spending another weekend home alone and thought, I'd rather be alone surrounded by thousands than alone at home alone.

There I was, all weekend, there.

Now I'm home. Alone.

Self-pity

Self-pity, that’s a harsh word isn’t it? Where is the line between genuine pain of loss and self-pity that continues to replicate itself over and over again? When does the healing part of grief turn on itself and become harmful? How do we let go?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. What I don't want is to be stuck in a state of perpetual self-pity that spirals into depression. I’m sure there are people who have strong opinions and are willing to tell me what they think. I’m not really asking I’m just expressing my current state of mind. The recent event in my life has made me think a lot about my motives, needs, and wants and how easy it is for me to get caught up in things. The end results are always the same, pain. What I learned from this one is that some people bring into the next relation the good things they learned from the previous one. Some people bring the worst things into the next relationship form the previous one. Some people benefit from the goods things; others pay for the bad things.

Being selfish and self-centered, I like to think that I bring into my next relationship all the good things I learned and experienced from being with Carol.

That being said, I still have serious defects of character and short-comings that may make the next relationship hard at times. While I was with Carol, my defects of character and short-comings were not that big of a deal or hers with me. I guess it’s different when you are in love and live with someone who can die at any moment of any day. The things that piss you off about another person don’t seem that important to hold onto. You never think that you’re going to have to live with (insert defects of character and short-comings here) for the rest of your life with this person. You know your time together is limited and it is more important to enjoy life together.

This may have worked with Carol but I don’t think I’m going to get away with it in my next relationship. There are things about me I need to work on and improve. I’m not sure if I can do it while I’m single but not sure either if someone wants to put up with me while I work on them during a relationship.

I guess only time will tell.

1 Year + 2

Well, here I am two days into the second year. How am I doing? Hmmmm….. lets see. What’s a word used to describe the state of a human being who lies in bed all day, has no motivation to do anything, lost all hope for the future and can’t stand to be in their own skin? That pretty much sums up how I was doing yesterday.

I had just finished placing tape on everything in my bedroom and was getting ready to put the base coat on the walls when I got “the call”. Afterwards, I had no energy or motivation to do anything any more. My room stayed in the “state” for the rest of the day all the way till about 6pm the next day. I just lay in bed and looked at my room. Unwilling or unable to get up and do anything. I was talking with a friend about what was going on. Then they made a suggestion, take the tape off. It hit me that sounded like a good idea. They said take the tape off and leave Carol’s message on the wall for a little while longer.

From out of no where I got this burst of energy to get up out of bed, take all the tape off the walls and move my furniture back to the original location in my room. It felt good. I felt better. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my paint now. I actually thought it might be a good color for the living room or hallway. Maybe.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my blog now. I’ve been thinking of coming to a point where I let go of it and move on. If I do that, I will let everyone know.

Kel

Dumped

I was dumped yesterday. God hates me.

Carol Sweeten

Died today March 15, 2007

She was my wife, my lover and my best friend forever.

That is all I have to say about that today.

The Friday After

Today is the Friday after. I remember that first night. I don't think I slept at all and if I did, it was only moments of being unconscious. I remember the pain, never ending pain. I remember crying so much I had to take Advil because my eyes hurt. I remember be in a state of shock. I can't imagine what it must be like for people to go through it alone. I don't drink or do drugs or do prescription medication so I had nothing to mask or hide the pain. I had to feel every painful second. The Friday after was a blur to me now. That first day. I just remember a lot of people being around me coming and going from the house.

Now I have another Friday After. The pain is gone or only something that is felt on occasionally. I have a plan today. I'm going to clean the house with a help from a friend. I still have a ton of medical supplies that need to be thrown out. I want to take a bunch of stuff to Goodwill. I'm going to pick out a color to paint the bedroom and paint it. I'm going to paint my bedroom today. Some of you know but most do not that Carol was going to paint the bedroom. She was playing around with a color and painted, "Carol Loves Kelly" on the wall in the bedroom. It's hard to see because the colors almost match. You have to really look for it to see it. Something in me has not wanted to paint over that. There is some kind of comfort in seeing that every day. But it's time. I'm ready.

This is my year now. Tomorrow I have plans and will share it with everyone then. Until then, take care and have a great day!

Kel

Today

I had a very hard time last night. I kept having the memory of Carol sitting in the chair that last night crying and saying she was afraid something awful was going to happen. I don't know why, after all this time, I felt guilt. I laid in bed and started to beat myself up over the fact that when she said that, I did nothing. I kept asking myself last night over and over, why didn't I go and sit with her, give her a hug, or hold her as she cried. I just laid on the couch and said nothing. Eventually, I went back into bed and that was the last of it. I played it over and over.

Today. As far as I'm concerned, today is the day. It might be different each year but I remember it as a Thursday. I remember being at work and getting the call. I remember the Friday. I just can't wrap my head around the anniversary of her death being on a Saturday. Call me crazy but that's just the way it's going to be for me.

How am I feeling today? Is Acceptance a feeling?

Kel

A little better

Today, so far, I'm feeling a little better. I still might leave early again today from work. Yesterday it felt good, in a sick kinda way, to go home and crawl into bed and just hide from the day. Of course, you can only hide for so long and eventually, you have to get out of bed and face the pain. I finally took my taxes in. Carol always did the taxes or at lest got everything together to take to our tax guy. She was very very good at it. She wanted to take a class to do taxes for other people. I think she would have been very good at it and been happy doing it.

So this is my plan so far for Sat. It just so happens that March 15 is Cambria's birthday. I was thinking about it and thought that I could hang out with Cambria and celibate her birthday. If we want to talk about Carol we can. If we want to hang out and have fun with a bunch of friends, I can. I get to take a long bike ride to Thousand Oaks. Then a long bike ride again to get home.

That's my plan so far.

Kel

Not a good day

I am fucking wreck. Just on my way to work my emotions would swing from complete peace and acceptance to sitting in fear and crying. Nothing I did or tried to do could or would stabilize my emotions. I hear what people are saying; That I'm doing good and that I have the strength to make it through this. That I lived through the day last year so I will do so again this year.

All of that is true. I will. But I just want to crawl into a whole somewhere and hide for a week. I just want to sit somewhere where my emotions can swing and bounce as they want to. I just want the pain and loss to go away. I just want to feel normal and at peace. I don't want to go through this. I don't want anything to do with this week. It is too painful.

But I will. I have no choice. I guess the saving grace is that I have the love and support of my family and friends. It would be a dark place indeed to be in if I were to have traveled this road alone. Thank you, everyone.

Dreams Part 2

I hate this week. I just want to go somewhere and hide. I want to stop feeling like I feel. Every attempt to distract my thinking or try and do something else has successfully resulted in returning to my feelings of dread. I dread this week. It’s like a countdown to the one year mark.

I dreamed about Carol last night. It was an odd dream. In it, she was asleep in my bed. I was in shock at first but then for some reason I got the impression it was a year ago. In the dream I knew Carol was going to die in a few days but she did not know it. I was confused about what I should do, should I tell her, should I not? Evidentially I decided not to tell her and let her live the rest of the week as if nothing was going to happen.

Dreams are dumb…

When is….

…a year a year? I mean, is it 365 days, or the day of the week, or the numeric day of the month? Carol died on the 15^th of March 7, 2007. It was a Thursday. The one year mark is all messed up. Leap year has added a day making it 366 days. If I reflect on her death on Thursday next week, am I premature? If I reflect on Saturday is it too late or just not the same? Some of you may be thinking, “what dumb questions.” And you may be right. I don’t know why it is important to me. I will always think of Carol’s death as a Thursday. I will always remember Friday as my first day without her which was a day that seemed to never end.

As far as other things in my life go I’m doing much better today. Should I feel guilty that I think I did the right thing? I don’t know. I had to wait until dark to look for pee spots with a black light. I found them in the guest room. It wasn’t until I went into my bedroom that I was horrified to see the extent of what has been going on. I have no idea how long she had been having that problem but there is not a single square foot of my bedroom that does not have a pee spot. I am fortunate that it doesn’t smell but I still think I’m going to have to re-carpet the whole house. For whatever reason, her brain clicked into a mode that she thought it was just ok to do what she wanted to do. I know that if Carol was alive, she would not have tolerated this for very long. It would have devastated her to do what I had to do but I know Carol, she would have done it.

So I guess I’m doing ok today.

Kel