Strippers Rock!

I imagine all 5 of the people who read this blog once a week or so are wondering what the hell happened to me? I was blogging along and then silence. A little blip about a movie review and nothing more.

It seems that I have come to some realizations that I was not willing or ready to admit to myself. As everyone (all 5 of you) have read, I have been trying to heal and move on with life after the loss of Carol. At first I was like “I’m F’n going to do this damn it!” then in time it became, “Hey, I would really like to go out with someone.”

So off I go to e-h and go on some dates. All of which I liked and had no horror stories to tell. No ducking out after excusing myself to the bathroom and calling to tell her I don’t think it will work out…. No, all were great experiences.

But something happened while I was in Lompoc for work. I was setting up all the times and locations for dates coming up. Then I had a dream. Carol was in it. When I woke up I had this overwhelming feeling that she was trying to tell me it’s not time yet.

I remember thinking, “WTF!?” It’s just a dumb dream. A part of my subconscious trying to tell me I’m still bla bla bla… It means nothing, just a dream. But as much as I tried to forget about it and move on, it still was with me. Kinda sucks to go on a date with the haunting image of your dead wife telling you it’s not time yet. That’s what’s called a Grade A BuzzKill.

So I continued on but just before this weekend I knew what I needed to do. I needed to let the women know about what is going on and what my intentions are. Man I hate that. How do you tell someone who is a great person that you are not ready yet and that it has nothing to do with them, times more than one person? I’ve wanted so desperately to blog about what I’m doing and how I’m feeling but was afraid to put it out there.

I finally broke down and sent out my emails today saying I’m not ready. The cool part is, I’m not. I finally get it now. It takes a lot of time and energy to invest in building a relationship with someone else. I’ve come to understand that I need to continue to heal from the loss of Carol. Until I’m healed, I’m of no value to anyone.

Which brings me to my final comment: Strippers Rock!