Now that I have put the breaks on the whole dating thing I have time to pause and look at my life. Where I'm at now and where I would like to go. Kinda heavy and deep sorry. One thing that bothers me more than anything is a lack of a pattern in my life. I mean I still haven't figured out this being alone thing. Each day is random and unpredictable. I may do this or I may do that or I may, bla bla bla.
With Carol, she always had a pattern in her life. Even when she was sick she still did things according to the day that she planed on doing it. This day is for vacuuming, this day is dusting, this day is cat box, this day is clean the bathroom etc etc.
I'm looking at my life and what I do from day to day and there is no structure to it. Of course it doesn't help that I travel a lot and I have friends that call up and say lets go eat sushi. I do, though have a bit of a routine now that I think about it: Monday night I go see friends, Tue night I go see friends, Fri, Sat I go hang out with friends or they come hang out with me. That leaves Wed/Thur(or tur as is was seen on a suhi banner the other day) and Sunday to try and find some kind of regular house keeping, projects, TV watch or others things.
Believe it or not, I "still" haven't played computer games that much. I'm starting to get a bit concerned. Computer games has always been a big part of my life even before I met Carol. Since her loss I still haven't had the feeling to play or play the way I used to play. That would suck if I lost that completely. (Of course I can hear Carol saying that would be a good thing!)
I wrote mostly about the short term things in life. I still wonder about the long term things. Do I still live here, should I move, should I get a new job. I think about those things a lot. But I'm very happy with where I love and my job.
So for now, I stay.
Karma Is Trying to Help
11 years ago
4 comments:
Hi Kelly,
Looks to me like you've got a pretty full schedule of working, friends, a little housework (hopefully), etc. I don't know how you could squeeze in anything more than maybe a jigsaw puzzle or two.
I think you're doing a beautiful job of filling up your life and trying to move forward as best you can when you'd really rather be doing anything else in the whole universe than going through this hell. It will end, but as you know, just not today.
Cousin Merle
I vote for a few commitments in the near future (up to 6 months down the road), a few things you want to accomplish in the next couple of months, and maybe plans for the weekend, and let the rest happen as they happen. If you spend too much time worrying about the future, you will miss the little pleasures in each day.
There is alot of value in right now.
Second Cousin once removed,
Carrie
Hi Kelly,
Ahh Kelly, Time,schedules, organization, we base our whole life on it. It is what gives us continuity.
I turned 50 Monday, WOW, Merle and Carrie should be a few years behind me. I know they do not remember me, as we only knew each other when I was a child. So where is this going?
Carol is right you know. You have tried schedule everything.
Here is a little word of advise, everything you try to schedule is like at work, you make plans, but if something more important comes up then you deal with that.
That is what you are forgetting in this equation. The unforseen.
Also have you ever tried so hard to impress your boss and the more you tried the more you failed. Well have you ever thought you may need to just let life happen for awhile and not try to make things happen.
As for only 5 us actually writing something to you, just maybe there are more that are reading this, but not commenting.
We are family Kelly, and believe it or not we are grieving with you, and hoping for the best. Remember to watch out for the lights.
Love ya Jeri
Hi Kelly,
I vote for you taking up Carol's schedule. I want you to vacuum tomorrow (Monday),etc... It kept her sane. Why not you?????
:)
Cambria
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