PTSD

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

I've been debating if I should blog this or not. It sort of puts me out there with a self-disclosure of a health issue that might be used against me. I decided to do it because it is something that had become a serious problem in my life and my ability to successfully let go and move on. I hope that someone who reads this that has suffered as I have might see this as a road map of what lies ahead or a way of knowing they are not alone.

Before I begin I want to go on record as saying this, I love(d) Carol. I would give anything to have her here today in my life and sharing everything together. Period. She was my lover, my best friend, my soul-mate.

With that said, here we go...

Stress.
In the beginning with Carol it was not that bad. She worked two jobs and took care of the house. I was unemployed and was doing my best to figure out what the hell to do with my life. She would cough at night but not that bad. November of 97 changed everything. She hit the wall and had to be admitted to the hospital. She was near death. For the next three years everything was still ok. Most of the stress came from Insurance and billing. She would go on IVs every so often.

Soon see began to become pan resistant. Meaning that her bugs in her lungs were mutating to the point that no antibiotic would help her. That was when she got listed for transplant the first time. As time went by the mutation changed and opened up more antibiotics and she decided to come of the list.

Then the day came when they delivered Oxygen. I remember that day. It was devastating for her. She cried all night. I cried all night. She was so god damn stubborned that she would resist it as long as possible.

At this point the stress was still only bad when she would get real sick and get admitted. Each time she would go in there was always this thought of was she going to come out. I think that's when it started to get real hard for me. Someone I started working for was not supportive of people with family problems and made things more difficult for me than it needed to be. I was demoted to a non critical position and stuck in the corner away from everyone I worked with.

Bleeding.
Then the bleeding started. She would have it happened maybe once a year or so and never real bad. But then it started happening more frequently. In July of 96 she had a massive bleed. I wrote about it detail on her blog. If you want you can look for it in the month of July on her blog. After that the stress became very hard. I wasn't conscience of it. It was just something I dealt with the best way I could. But after that day I would worry every day if or when it would happen again. Most of all I worried it would happen while I was at work and no one would be there to help her and she would die. Every time I didn't get a call or an email at work I would worry that she had bled to death. Every time I would come home and hear and siren I would worry it was going to my house. Every time I would come home and turn the corner I would worry that fire trucks would be parked outside my home.

Death.
Then it happened. It happened just the way we both feared the most.

Today.
I have tried to date other women. I have found myself reacting to stress in a relationship or the beginning stages of a relations that is not right. It's difficult to explain. It's like if something comes up my reaction to it is not proportionate to what is going on. I am shocked that I find myself having physical reactions to stress. My heart rate will shoot up, my gut will go into a knot and I'll start to breath fast. It's like I'm starting to panic and I don't know why.

That's when it started to dawn on me that I might not have escaped the stress of living with Carol totally intact. The trauma of living with someone who can die any moment of any day, then dying the way I feared the most has left me in not good shape. Women I date quickly see this and bail out. This only adds to the stress that I can't have a normal healthy relationship. I keep repeating the cycle over and over again.

Healing.
I want to heal. I want to move on. I have decided to seek professional help. I don't think it will happen over night. However, I am committed to learning how to live with and responded to stress in a healthy manner.

Wish me luck and say a prayer for me?

Kel (AKA #1fan of Cutecarols)