Pain Part 5

It all started about 6 or seven months ago. I had a shoe box on the bedroom floor and one day notice that it was all wet inside. It didn’t smell and I had no idea what it was. Then about a few weeks later I notice that the paper I put on the floor for the cats to play with was all wet also. Strange…. Then one day I was lying in bed and heard it, Carrie was peeing on the rug. I freaked. How long had she been doing that? Why was she doing that?

I got another cat box and put it in the bedroom. I hate having a cat box in the bedroom but I couldn’t have her peeing on the carpet. It seemed to work but then noticed that in front of the cat box was all wet. She was peeing right in front of the cat box! I rearranged my bedroom to put my bed over the spot. When my roommate moved out I put the cat box in that room. Then I noticed she was consistently peeing in my bedroom and then started to go Number Two in the same spot.

I had a friend take her to the Vet while I was on travel to get her checked out for infection or something. The test came back negative. It was behavioral. This week I locked her in the guest bedroom to try and retrain her to use the cat box. Yesterday when I went home I noticed that she would still use the cat box but was also peeing on the carpet.

I had options:

1. I could lock her in the bathroom all day and night.

2. I could try and adopt her out to someone.

3. I could put her on medication.

4. I could put her to sleep.

1. I think locking her up would only make things worse. She always had a bit of a mental problem. Carol was the only one she bonded with and would love. She bonded with me but I was never home. She was used to someone always being home.
2. She dose not like people. She only likes one person. It would be too traumatic to try and put her in a cage and wait for someone to be willing to adopt a cat that doesn’t like people and pees on the carpet.
3. She doesn’t like people, even the ones she likes, to touch her or handle her. It would have been too traumatic to grab her one or twice a day and force medication down her. I think it would have cause more harm than good and there is still a chance it wouldn’t have worked.

Yesterday I have the overwhelming feeling that I knew what I needed to do and that I was ready to do it. I called the Vet that had been treating her and talked about what I needed to do. He agreed with all of my observation and assessments of the options and thought the best thing to do was to let her go.

Pain

I got the cat carrier out. She looked at it and started to run. She jumped up on the foot stool and seemed to say, “I’m ok! I’m ok now!”

Pain

I picked her up and put her in the carrier. Tears running down my face I took her out to the car. Crying, I drove to the Vet. We went into the room and waited. I had brought an old jacket of Carols. I took her out of the carrier and put on Carol’s jacket. I wanted her to smell Carol. They came in and rapped her up in the Jacket and took her back to sedate her. Then she came in and I held her as they gave her the injection.

Pain

They left me alone with her. I sat there and felt that gut wrenching pain again. For the second time in less than a year I was alone in a room with the lifeless body of someone I loved.

Pain

I left and went home. The committee in my head fucked with me all night. “Cat Killer!” it screamed at me. “Quitter!” they called me. I felt like I had failed Carol. She worried about her cats and who would take care of them after she died. She trusted me to take care of them and love them they way they need to be loved.

I tried, I truly tried. But I still feel like I have failed.

Pain