I had a very hard time last night. I kept having the memory of Carol sitting in the chair that last night crying and saying she was afraid something awful was going to happen. I don't know why, after all this time, I felt guilt. I laid in bed and started to beat myself up over the fact that when she said that, I did nothing. I kept asking myself last night over and over, why didn't I go and sit with her, give her a hug, or hold her as she cried. I just laid on the couch and said nothing. Eventually, I went back into bed and that was the last of it. I played it over and over.
Today. As far as I'm concerned, today is the day. It might be different each year but I remember it as a Thursday. I remember being at work and getting the call. I remember the Friday. I just can't wrap my head around the anniversary of her death being on a Saturday. Call me crazy but that's just the way it's going to be for me.
How am I feeling today? Is Acceptance a feeling?
Kel
Karma Is Trying to Help
11 years ago
3 comments:
Yes Kelly acceptance is a feeling.
No Shouda, couldas or wouldas change anything that happened that night or the next day.
We do not know the time, the hour or the minute of our time, so we live each day to the fullest. Remember that about Carol, she was afraid, but she never, ever quit fighting. She was spunky, loving and left a place in all of our hearts that cannot be taken from us.
She may not be with us on the physical plane, but I can guarantee you she is with us in the spiritual plane, and we will be with her again, if she does not come down here and kick our behinds and tell us to get up and get moving, we have a life to live and we should be doing that.
Hi Kelly,
I do know your feelings of guilt about that last night and what you could have done differently with Carol. I can tell you from experience that those feelings will surface from time to time because you're only human and you loved the person you're thinking about. I don't think there's a darned thing you can do about these thoughts as long as you have brain activity, unfortunately. It only proves you have a heart and soul.
Cousin Merle
You're such an inspiration to people, Kelly... like I asked you the other night, "Did you think a year ago, that you'd have done as well as you have for this past year?" I knew the answer was "no" before I asked the question. So, today is a year. 52 Thursdays have come and gone since the Thursday of March 15, 2007. Mark it anyway you want. It's your day. Your memory. Your journey. Thank you for allowing us all to be witness to it. You have done what many could not have done.
I love you very much,
Cambria
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