I blog about the times I’m not doing good and I get all kinds of encouragements and people saying how strong I am and that I will get through this. I hold back a lot on saying how things are because I don’t want to sound like I don’t believe them or that I’m stuck in the perpetual grief cycle. I’m afraid people will get tired of hearing me share about how bad things are. “Time to get over Kelly and move on with your life.” Is what I hear in my head from people.
But I’m not doing good. In fact, I’m I feel like I’m losing ground. I feel like I’m falling down a bottom less pit and the sides are made of black sticky residue. When try to reach out and grab hold of something my fingers just pass through it and never seem to get a hold of anything. My life has no meaning anymore. I have no goals or ambitions. All I do is get up go to work, come home, go to bed. I don’t play computer games anymore and I don’t watch TV any more. I try to stay busy as much as I can. I try to date and meet someone else. But I feel like I’m and just going through the motions of what is expected of me. I do it because that’s the next indicated thing to do. Fake it till I make it.
I’m getting scared.
8 comments:
Kelly, I think its time you contact this person. As we all love and support you, I think its time you talk to someone who is going thru the same thing you are. I am not talking a pitty party, but maybe having someone who gets it, and you can share with will help.
By the way You need a cause. Volunteer, maybe big brothers program would be something for you to get involved with. Because all of the rest is just normal life. You need to be needed.
And I love you.
Aunt Jeri
While Ami and I lived in Minneapolis, MN, I am currently staying with my parents in Norco, CA. At a time when you feel like no one can relate to you and your pain, please do not forget me. Contact me any time. I would be honored to meet you. I don't even know you... but I am so very full of pride to know that you exist. To know the kind of man that you are. It makes me proud to be a part of the human race.
We are connected friend.
With great admiration,
Clay Christiansen
Cell: 651-785-8643
email: claymi137@yahoo.com
Kelly,
as I read your blog I feel that it is time for you to talk to a professional about how you are feeling. While family and friends are very supportive, you need to have someone listen to your problems who may have ideas that we can't think of. I don't know if individual or group counseling or both would be the key, and I know you tried this before, but possibly someone with professional experience can help guide you through these times where just the love and support of friends and family isn't quite enough.
Think about it,
Carrie
Hi Kelly,
Sounds like you've come to the point where you're simply tired of Carol being gone, and you're tired of playing this miserable little game of pretending to accept her death and getting on with your life in some fashion acceptable to the general public. You've been trying to accomplish this for over a year now, and it simply hasn't worked out the way you thought it was going to. What's happened is that you really haven't accepted Carol's death yet; you've only pretended to. In your heart, you're waiting for her to come home and end this nightmare for you.
You really must take your own advice, and the advice of these other friends, and find a good grief counselor to help you through this.
Cousin Merle
Kelly,
After my husband passed away, I found a group through my church called Grief Share. It was extremely worthwhile. If that is not available, I would contact your local hospice and see what they have available. Although counseling is an option, I found it helpful to be in a group of people. It is difficult to find a single counselor that is knowledgeable enough about the grieving process.
God Bless,
Julie
Hey Kelly, I think about Carol all the time. I guess not knowing that she died until months later left me feeling like it didnt really happen somehow. All I know is, Carol is still with us and always will be. Dont ever feel bad for not thinking about her every waking moment, she knows how much you love her, she is watching over you, your own personal guardian angel. Me, myself, I have several guardian angels and Carol makes it 1 more. If you ever need to talk let me know Take care Kofie P.S. My E-mail is Kofietab@aol.com
Hey Kelly, I think about Carol all the time. I guess not knowing that she died until months later left me feeling like it didnt really happen somehow. All I know is, Carol is still with us and always will be. Dont ever feel bad for not thinking about her every waking moment, she knows how much you love her, she is watching over you, your own personal guardian angel. Me, myself, I have several guardian angels and Carol makes it 1 more. If you ever need to talk let me know Take care Kofie P.S. My E-mail is Kofietab@aol.com
Hey Kelly, I think about Carol all the time. I guess not knowing that she died until months later left me feeling like it didnt really happen somehow. All I know is, Carol is still with us and always will be. Dont ever feel bad for not thinking about her every waking moment, she knows how much you love her, she is watching over you, your own personal guardian angel. Me, myself, I have several guardian angels and Carol makes it 1 more. If you ever need to talk let me know Take care Kofie P.S. My E-mail is Kofietab@aol.com
I know you don't know me from a hole in the wall, but I won't let that stop me from my wanting to help.
Don't ever live your life by others expectations. Life in and of itself is a process....some things just take time. Sometimes the process is smooth and easy; sometimes it's rocky and difficult, very very difficult. Press on through the process.
You obviously are working at it, and trying, and not giving up. There will be times you are tired of fighting that fight and surrender. But Then, once rested, you are armed and strengthened for the fight again. Both are needed for success. Just find your balance in it all.
On a personal note - before I was on antidepressants, my mind was overwhelmed, everything was impossible, even the easiest of tasks. Once on them, my mind was more at peace, it helped me feel less overwhelmed with little things and gave me the ability to tackle the more important things.
Without it, it was and endless cycle of ok days and really really bad days, it wore me out!
I liked Julie's suggestion about going to a group for grief counseling. It probably would have less anxiety attached to it than a one-on-one setting....making it more paletable and easier to digest.
My best wishes
Sally
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