Fundamental Transformation

I was reading a book once and it was talking about people going through dark times in their lives. It listed all the things I was feeling and going through. At the end it said that was called a "Fundamental Transformation". I remember being pissed at that. What the F does that mean? It's like they outline all these things and then when they don't know what to say it means they just throw something out that sounds kinda cool. What dose it really mean? At the time I gave up on it and went on with life.

I haven't been blogging much about my grief. I've been all into my European Journey and detailing my travels. Although I haven't wrote about it I have been thinking a lot about Carol. I have shared my loss with others I've meet along the way and am surprised I still find myself chocked up and cry at times. Under the surface it is still there, perhaps it will always be there.

I am different though today. I do feel like some fundamental part of me as a person has and is transforming into to a new person. I am accepting the person I am becoming and not resisting the change or trying to hang onto the memory of Carol. I'm not trying to force it to happen either. I can just sort of "feel" it happening. Like I don't really need to do anything but sit and watch the transformation. What I mean by "not do anything" is that I don't have to consciously try and work my way through the healing process. I still have to live and go through my daily life.

There are things I want today. There are relationships I want to have today. There are new friends I want to meet today. There are new places I want to see and enjoy today.

I am half way through my trip. I'm in Amsterdam. I went out for coffee with a bunch of people I just met. Wonderful fun people. We all laughed and joked and would talk all serious. I plan on hanging out with them tonight and tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to finding out who I will meet in Paris.

That's all for now. I hope everyone enjoys their weekend.

Kel