PTSD

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

I've been debating if I should blog this or not. It sort of puts me out there with a self-disclosure of a health issue that might be used against me. I decided to do it because it is something that had become a serious problem in my life and my ability to successfully let go and move on. I hope that someone who reads this that has suffered as I have might see this as a road map of what lies ahead or a way of knowing they are not alone.

Before I begin I want to go on record as saying this, I love(d) Carol. I would give anything to have her here today in my life and sharing everything together. Period. She was my lover, my best friend, my soul-mate.

With that said, here we go...

Stress.
In the beginning with Carol it was not that bad. She worked two jobs and took care of the house. I was unemployed and was doing my best to figure out what the hell to do with my life. She would cough at night but not that bad. November of 97 changed everything. She hit the wall and had to be admitted to the hospital. She was near death. For the next three years everything was still ok. Most of the stress came from Insurance and billing. She would go on IVs every so often.

Soon see began to become pan resistant. Meaning that her bugs in her lungs were mutating to the point that no antibiotic would help her. That was when she got listed for transplant the first time. As time went by the mutation changed and opened up more antibiotics and she decided to come of the list.

Then the day came when they delivered Oxygen. I remember that day. It was devastating for her. She cried all night. I cried all night. She was so god damn stubborned that she would resist it as long as possible.

At this point the stress was still only bad when she would get real sick and get admitted. Each time she would go in there was always this thought of was she going to come out. I think that's when it started to get real hard for me. Someone I started working for was not supportive of people with family problems and made things more difficult for me than it needed to be. I was demoted to a non critical position and stuck in the corner away from everyone I worked with.

Bleeding.
Then the bleeding started. She would have it happened maybe once a year or so and never real bad. But then it started happening more frequently. In July of 96 she had a massive bleed. I wrote about it detail on her blog. If you want you can look for it in the month of July on her blog. After that the stress became very hard. I wasn't conscience of it. It was just something I dealt with the best way I could. But after that day I would worry every day if or when it would happen again. Most of all I worried it would happen while I was at work and no one would be there to help her and she would die. Every time I didn't get a call or an email at work I would worry that she had bled to death. Every time I would come home and hear and siren I would worry it was going to my house. Every time I would come home and turn the corner I would worry that fire trucks would be parked outside my home.

Death.
Then it happened. It happened just the way we both feared the most.

Today.
I have tried to date other women. I have found myself reacting to stress in a relationship or the beginning stages of a relations that is not right. It's difficult to explain. It's like if something comes up my reaction to it is not proportionate to what is going on. I am shocked that I find myself having physical reactions to stress. My heart rate will shoot up, my gut will go into a knot and I'll start to breath fast. It's like I'm starting to panic and I don't know why.

That's when it started to dawn on me that I might not have escaped the stress of living with Carol totally intact. The trauma of living with someone who can die any moment of any day, then dying the way I feared the most has left me in not good shape. Women I date quickly see this and bail out. This only adds to the stress that I can't have a normal healthy relationship. I keep repeating the cycle over and over again.

Healing.
I want to heal. I want to move on. I have decided to seek professional help. I don't think it will happen over night. However, I am committed to learning how to live with and responded to stress in a healthy manner.

Wish me luck and say a prayer for me?

Kel (AKA #1fan of Cutecarols)

Feeling better

I was driving into work today and had a moment were I felt better than I have since the 15th. I actually felt "happy(?)". It was an odd experience and quickly went away!

I have a busy weekend planned. I was diving Friday night but the wave models show 4 to 6 foot waves Friday night. Not a good way to go into and out of the surf. So I might go out to Riverside to see some friends. Saturday I might go for a bike ride in the morning then I have a 1pm Tee time to play golf. I had planned to go down to San Diego late Sunday on the bike. I was going to go with a friend and others on their bikes. But it looks like rain and I'm not into riding in the rain yet. So that leaves my Sunday open.

I figure something out.

Kel

No Title...

I'm taking my bike in for service today. I'm ashamed that I've had it a year and only put 1000 miles on it. It's a beautiful bike and is very nice to ride. Why I don't ride it more I don't know. On Sunday I plan to go on a long ride to San Diego and back. I might ride with a friend or two and someone said she would like to ride with me. That would be nice.

I hate depression. I mean, I really hate it. I'm exercising, talking with friends, and keeping busy. It still seems to seep it's way into my mind and soul. I was telling someone it's like watching the tide come in. Slowly, it creeps it's way up. Not like a rush or real fast, just a slow deliberate assault on the mind.

This year is not going quite as planed. I thought that I would be better, more positive and it would be easier to let go. That does not seem to be the case.

I'm going to try dating again. That is an odd thing dating. Someone explained to me that I'm like a guy who has lived in the wilderness for all my life and then suddenly dropped in the middle of New York City. I had a loving wonderful relationship with someone. Now I'm in the middle of an environment I am completely unaccustomed to. I'm lucky I have friends I can call and ask things to.

Anyway that's all for me today. I still don't know what to do with this blog. I have had people say I should keep writing. I don't know...

Kel

Alone

I went to Sacramento this weekend. I decided to go at the last minute after talking with a friend. There was an event going on where about 4 - 10 thousands people would be there. There would be a chance I would run into some old friends and make new ones. I thought about what it would be like spending another weekend home alone and thought, I'd rather be alone surrounded by thousands than alone at home alone.

There I was, all weekend, there.

Now I'm home. Alone.

Self-pity

Self-pity, that’s a harsh word isn’t it? Where is the line between genuine pain of loss and self-pity that continues to replicate itself over and over again? When does the healing part of grief turn on itself and become harmful? How do we let go?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. What I don't want is to be stuck in a state of perpetual self-pity that spirals into depression. I’m sure there are people who have strong opinions and are willing to tell me what they think. I’m not really asking I’m just expressing my current state of mind. The recent event in my life has made me think a lot about my motives, needs, and wants and how easy it is for me to get caught up in things. The end results are always the same, pain. What I learned from this one is that some people bring into the next relation the good things they learned from the previous one. Some people bring the worst things into the next relationship form the previous one. Some people benefit from the goods things; others pay for the bad things.

Being selfish and self-centered, I like to think that I bring into my next relationship all the good things I learned and experienced from being with Carol.

That being said, I still have serious defects of character and short-comings that may make the next relationship hard at times. While I was with Carol, my defects of character and short-comings were not that big of a deal or hers with me. I guess it’s different when you are in love and live with someone who can die at any moment of any day. The things that piss you off about another person don’t seem that important to hold onto. You never think that you’re going to have to live with (insert defects of character and short-comings here) for the rest of your life with this person. You know your time together is limited and it is more important to enjoy life together.

This may have worked with Carol but I don’t think I’m going to get away with it in my next relationship. There are things about me I need to work on and improve. I’m not sure if I can do it while I’m single but not sure either if someone wants to put up with me while I work on them during a relationship.

I guess only time will tell.

1 Year + 2

Well, here I am two days into the second year. How am I doing? Hmmmm….. lets see. What’s a word used to describe the state of a human being who lies in bed all day, has no motivation to do anything, lost all hope for the future and can’t stand to be in their own skin? That pretty much sums up how I was doing yesterday.

I had just finished placing tape on everything in my bedroom and was getting ready to put the base coat on the walls when I got “the call”. Afterwards, I had no energy or motivation to do anything any more. My room stayed in the “state” for the rest of the day all the way till about 6pm the next day. I just lay in bed and looked at my room. Unwilling or unable to get up and do anything. I was talking with a friend about what was going on. Then they made a suggestion, take the tape off. It hit me that sounded like a good idea. They said take the tape off and leave Carol’s message on the wall for a little while longer.

From out of no where I got this burst of energy to get up out of bed, take all the tape off the walls and move my furniture back to the original location in my room. It felt good. I felt better. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my paint now. I actually thought it might be a good color for the living room or hallway. Maybe.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my blog now. I’ve been thinking of coming to a point where I let go of it and move on. If I do that, I will let everyone know.

Kel

Dumped

I was dumped yesterday. God hates me.

Carol Sweeten

Died today March 15, 2007

She was my wife, my lover and my best friend forever.

That is all I have to say about that today.

The Friday After

Today is the Friday after. I remember that first night. I don't think I slept at all and if I did, it was only moments of being unconscious. I remember the pain, never ending pain. I remember crying so much I had to take Advil because my eyes hurt. I remember be in a state of shock. I can't imagine what it must be like for people to go through it alone. I don't drink or do drugs or do prescription medication so I had nothing to mask or hide the pain. I had to feel every painful second. The Friday after was a blur to me now. That first day. I just remember a lot of people being around me coming and going from the house.

Now I have another Friday After. The pain is gone or only something that is felt on occasionally. I have a plan today. I'm going to clean the house with a help from a friend. I still have a ton of medical supplies that need to be thrown out. I want to take a bunch of stuff to Goodwill. I'm going to pick out a color to paint the bedroom and paint it. I'm going to paint my bedroom today. Some of you know but most do not that Carol was going to paint the bedroom. She was playing around with a color and painted, "Carol Loves Kelly" on the wall in the bedroom. It's hard to see because the colors almost match. You have to really look for it to see it. Something in me has not wanted to paint over that. There is some kind of comfort in seeing that every day. But it's time. I'm ready.

This is my year now. Tomorrow I have plans and will share it with everyone then. Until then, take care and have a great day!

Kel

Today

I had a very hard time last night. I kept having the memory of Carol sitting in the chair that last night crying and saying she was afraid something awful was going to happen. I don't know why, after all this time, I felt guilt. I laid in bed and started to beat myself up over the fact that when she said that, I did nothing. I kept asking myself last night over and over, why didn't I go and sit with her, give her a hug, or hold her as she cried. I just laid on the couch and said nothing. Eventually, I went back into bed and that was the last of it. I played it over and over.

Today. As far as I'm concerned, today is the day. It might be different each year but I remember it as a Thursday. I remember being at work and getting the call. I remember the Friday. I just can't wrap my head around the anniversary of her death being on a Saturday. Call me crazy but that's just the way it's going to be for me.

How am I feeling today? Is Acceptance a feeling?

Kel

A little better

Today, so far, I'm feeling a little better. I still might leave early again today from work. Yesterday it felt good, in a sick kinda way, to go home and crawl into bed and just hide from the day. Of course, you can only hide for so long and eventually, you have to get out of bed and face the pain. I finally took my taxes in. Carol always did the taxes or at lest got everything together to take to our tax guy. She was very very good at it. She wanted to take a class to do taxes for other people. I think she would have been very good at it and been happy doing it.

So this is my plan so far for Sat. It just so happens that March 15 is Cambria's birthday. I was thinking about it and thought that I could hang out with Cambria and celibate her birthday. If we want to talk about Carol we can. If we want to hang out and have fun with a bunch of friends, I can. I get to take a long bike ride to Thousand Oaks. Then a long bike ride again to get home.

That's my plan so far.

Kel

Not a good day

I am fucking wreck. Just on my way to work my emotions would swing from complete peace and acceptance to sitting in fear and crying. Nothing I did or tried to do could or would stabilize my emotions. I hear what people are saying; That I'm doing good and that I have the strength to make it through this. That I lived through the day last year so I will do so again this year.

All of that is true. I will. But I just want to crawl into a whole somewhere and hide for a week. I just want to sit somewhere where my emotions can swing and bounce as they want to. I just want the pain and loss to go away. I just want to feel normal and at peace. I don't want to go through this. I don't want anything to do with this week. It is too painful.

But I will. I have no choice. I guess the saving grace is that I have the love and support of my family and friends. It would be a dark place indeed to be in if I were to have traveled this road alone. Thank you, everyone.

Dreams Part 2

I hate this week. I just want to go somewhere and hide. I want to stop feeling like I feel. Every attempt to distract my thinking or try and do something else has successfully resulted in returning to my feelings of dread. I dread this week. It’s like a countdown to the one year mark.

I dreamed about Carol last night. It was an odd dream. In it, she was asleep in my bed. I was in shock at first but then for some reason I got the impression it was a year ago. In the dream I knew Carol was going to die in a few days but she did not know it. I was confused about what I should do, should I tell her, should I not? Evidentially I decided not to tell her and let her live the rest of the week as if nothing was going to happen.

Dreams are dumb…

When is….

…a year a year? I mean, is it 365 days, or the day of the week, or the numeric day of the month? Carol died on the 15^th of March 7, 2007. It was a Thursday. The one year mark is all messed up. Leap year has added a day making it 366 days. If I reflect on her death on Thursday next week, am I premature? If I reflect on Saturday is it too late or just not the same? Some of you may be thinking, “what dumb questions.” And you may be right. I don’t know why it is important to me. I will always think of Carol’s death as a Thursday. I will always remember Friday as my first day without her which was a day that seemed to never end.

As far as other things in my life go I’m doing much better today. Should I feel guilty that I think I did the right thing? I don’t know. I had to wait until dark to look for pee spots with a black light. I found them in the guest room. It wasn’t until I went into my bedroom that I was horrified to see the extent of what has been going on. I have no idea how long she had been having that problem but there is not a single square foot of my bedroom that does not have a pee spot. I am fortunate that it doesn’t smell but I still think I’m going to have to re-carpet the whole house. For whatever reason, her brain clicked into a mode that she thought it was just ok to do what she wanted to do. I know that if Carol was alive, she would not have tolerated this for very long. It would have devastated her to do what I had to do but I know Carol, she would have done it.

So I guess I’m doing ok today.

Kel

Pain Part 5

It all started about 6 or seven months ago. I had a shoe box on the bedroom floor and one day notice that it was all wet inside. It didn’t smell and I had no idea what it was. Then about a few weeks later I notice that the paper I put on the floor for the cats to play with was all wet also. Strange…. Then one day I was lying in bed and heard it, Carrie was peeing on the rug. I freaked. How long had she been doing that? Why was she doing that?

I got another cat box and put it in the bedroom. I hate having a cat box in the bedroom but I couldn’t have her peeing on the carpet. It seemed to work but then noticed that in front of the cat box was all wet. She was peeing right in front of the cat box! I rearranged my bedroom to put my bed over the spot. When my roommate moved out I put the cat box in that room. Then I noticed she was consistently peeing in my bedroom and then started to go Number Two in the same spot.

I had a friend take her to the Vet while I was on travel to get her checked out for infection or something. The test came back negative. It was behavioral. This week I locked her in the guest bedroom to try and retrain her to use the cat box. Yesterday when I went home I noticed that she would still use the cat box but was also peeing on the carpet.

I had options:

1. I could lock her in the bathroom all day and night.

2. I could try and adopt her out to someone.

3. I could put her on medication.

4. I could put her to sleep.

1. I think locking her up would only make things worse. She always had a bit of a mental problem. Carol was the only one she bonded with and would love. She bonded with me but I was never home. She was used to someone always being home.
2. She dose not like people. She only likes one person. It would be too traumatic to try and put her in a cage and wait for someone to be willing to adopt a cat that doesn’t like people and pees on the carpet.
3. She doesn’t like people, even the ones she likes, to touch her or handle her. It would have been too traumatic to grab her one or twice a day and force medication down her. I think it would have cause more harm than good and there is still a chance it wouldn’t have worked.

Yesterday I have the overwhelming feeling that I knew what I needed to do and that I was ready to do it. I called the Vet that had been treating her and talked about what I needed to do. He agreed with all of my observation and assessments of the options and thought the best thing to do was to let her go.

Pain

I got the cat carrier out. She looked at it and started to run. She jumped up on the foot stool and seemed to say, “I’m ok! I’m ok now!”

Pain

I picked her up and put her in the carrier. Tears running down my face I took her out to the car. Crying, I drove to the Vet. We went into the room and waited. I had brought an old jacket of Carols. I took her out of the carrier and put on Carol’s jacket. I wanted her to smell Carol. They came in and rapped her up in the Jacket and took her back to sedate her. Then she came in and I held her as they gave her the injection.

Pain

They left me alone with her. I sat there and felt that gut wrenching pain again. For the second time in less than a year I was alone in a room with the lifeless body of someone I loved.

Pain

I left and went home. The committee in my head fucked with me all night. “Cat Killer!” it screamed at me. “Quitter!” they called me. I felt like I had failed Carol. She worried about her cats and who would take care of them after she died. She trusted me to take care of them and love them they way they need to be loved.

I tried, I truly tried. But I still feel like I have failed.

Pain

Carrie Carrie

I had to put Carrie to sleep today. I am not doing very good.