eHarmony

So, I broke down and signed up and created an account on eHarmony. I figured I'm ready to start meeting people and have coffee, talk, etc, etc. This Saturday I was missing having someone to simply go to a movie with or hang out. I was trying to think of who I could call..... no one. (sigh) Rather than feel sorry for myself I thought I'd do something about it. Put myself out there and see what happens!

Oh man was I wrong. They need to put a disclaimer on the site when you sign up and pay your money that your first contact with someone is going to be rejections. Within less than 24 hours I get three rejections! I didn't even get a chance to say "hello" and I get the door slammed in my face! Nice way to start out. In all fairness, I would prefer to have someone say they are not interested from the beginning and save a lot of time and effort. There is nothing worse in the character of a person who leads someone on to think there might be potential for a relationship knowing full well that they have no intention at all of doing anything. I think it is quite awful for a person knowing that to take advantage and use that person for everything they can get. A person like that, in my opinion, is a very ugly person. So I'm grateful that the woman that have started to reject me, without meeting me, are doing so from the beginning.

Should I continue to weather the rejections? How long should I hang in there?

Kel

Home

It's almost 3am and I can't sleep. It is too frigin quiet! I'm used to street noise etc etc. But here, it is absolutely quiet and it is making me hear things. My ears are ringing too. Plus I'm still in another time zone.

Expect the worst
Hope for the best.

Expect the best
Fear for the worst.

Sometimes when I look at the future I am either of the two. The first one is a rather pessimistic way to live. But there are very little surprises. The second is optimism that breads resentments.

How was my return home? I'll just say I was not surprised.

Kel

The End of this Journey

I'm at the end of this month long Journey. I'm at the airport hanging out getting ready for my plane trip home.

Looking back at my Journey what do I have to say that can summarize everything? Did I have a life changing moment? Did I meet a beautiful European woman and fall in love? Did I have moments of peace and joy? Bottom line, was it worth it?

I have been thinking again about this blog and when to end it. My life is not defined by my loss or my grief. My loss has been the most profound event in my life. It rocked the very foundation of my soul. It is not unusual to document this process and this Journey. But my life is not defined by a single event. At some point I must put aside the past and take a step into the unknown without regret or reservation. During my travels here in Europe I've thought a lot about bringing this blog to an end.

I'm not sure when but it will end soon. The problem is I have come to enjoy writing about myself and my experiences. I know that sounds very self centered and egotistical. I don't mean it that way. I have just enjoyed thinking about things that happened to me and how I would write them on my blog. I like wondering if people read it and what they think about what I write. It is hard to give that up. I could start another blog but I'm just not sure right now. I'm grateful there is no urgency in making my decision. I just wanted to share with everyone that this blog will end.

I'm just not sure when.

Kel

Back in $$$London$$$

Checked into a hotel down the street from the one I stayed at when I got here. The room was cheaper. Nice room.... Then I logged on to get a one day pass for the Internet.

$60.00 dollars a frigin day!!!!

So, I paid 6.00 for 30min and checked email and made my posts.

I can't wait to get the heck out of here....

Kel

Leaving Europe

I'm on the EuroStar on my way back to London for my last two days. I don't know how fast I'm going but I know I'm haling ass. So fast that you really can't see anything because it goes by so fast. I kinda like that. I'm really ready to leave Europe. I've learned that when you ask someone here in Paris if they speak English they will say no or "a little". What I've learned what "a little" means is this: Yes, I am very fluent in English. I will listen to you until I am board with you are pissed with you. Then I will pretend I don't understand you and walk away.

Having had my last bash at the French let me say a few more things about my observations.

The French are a very proud people. Their attitude of independence and confidence is very powerful. They have a very rich and ancient history that is reflected in thier art and architecture. They are a beautiful people. More than anything I love the sound of thier language. Of all the languages I've encountered here, French is the most wonderful to listen to. As much as I have complained about my frustration at not understanding it I am equally envious that I don't speak it. I have tired to say a few things and when I hear my own voice say the words it grimace at the sound of it. The French language most be spoken with the appreciation it deserves.

I think I would like to return to France some day. I might pass on Paris and spend some time in the South.

Before I left people had made comments about how this trip will change my life. Now that I'm coming to the end of it I'm trying to see how or if I've changed. I am different as I have blogged before but I'm not sure if that change would have occurred on it's own or was it as a result of being here? I didn't have a "Razor Edge" type of experience. Someone asked before I left if I was coming back. They were joking but I think maybe they also was serious. Did anything happen here that makes me want to stay? No. I have met some great people. People I want to see again. But my home is in California. My friends are in California. My family is in California.

It is time for me to come home to the people I love and the people who love me.

Kel

Paris Part 4

Feeling much better today. I went out with some friends and was able to vent also and talk about things. In the end I always end up being grateful. I mean my god, I'm in frigin Paris! How bad can things be? I guess out of 25 days, I'm going to have one bad one.

Kel

Paris Part 3

Sorry for this but I have to vent!

F#$% F%#$ F$%#!!!!

I have a bit of down time and would like to just relax and play a computer game or two right? NOT! My F'n hotel blocks the ports I need to get to the service to order the games. I came to Starbucks to pay for Internet to get unblocked ports and now my credit cards are declined when trying to pay for the games to download. France has an international ban on anything English including PC-Games. In the states when you get a game you have the option to select a language. Not in F'n France! France language Only! F%#$!

I've been trying to be patient and just let things go and go with the flow. But I'm really tired of this place and want to leave but I paid for the room in advance through a website. So I'm frigin stuck here till Thursday.

Sorry for the harsh language. I just needed to vent. I'm at Starbucks right now and just paid for an hour of Internet to have time I need to download a game and just found out I can't.

AAHHHH!!!!!

Normandy

I broke down and paid for a guided tour of the landing beaches of Normandy. I have always been a amature WWII history buff. I have watched The Longest Day about 500 times. Every time Carol would bust me watching it I would try to convince her it was a new WWII movie I had never seen. It worked about 5 times till she started to recognize some of the parts of the movie.

It started at 7am which meant I had to get up at 5am and find my way to the place. I got there about 6:45am. I tried to find a Starbucks but couldn't. Right across the street was a coffee shop. I stepped in and got a double espresso. When I got the bill I almost asked the guy to laugh out load in my face so I would feel better for being a foul for stepping into this place to get coffee. 4.70 Euros for two shots of espresso. that's almost $7.50.

On the bus and off we go. What can I say.... Well, I got to fulfill a life long dream to stand on the beach of Omaha. I took some great pictures and will never forget the feeling of awe and somber reflection of that day when 10,000 American men in their 20s died on this beach. To think about courage of the men left alive to continue on while their friends died around them.

I was going to write about the tour and some of the things that bugged me but when I was standing on sacred ground and reflect on the suffering and sacrifice all these men made, how bad could any day be for anyone? How easy it is to fall into trivial problems and make them more than they really are. To think all these great men died on the 6th of June 1944 so that I could have the freedom to ride on a bus and feel pissy about something.

It makes me think and ask if my freedom and my life been worth thier sacrifice? I think about the person Carol was and how she lived a life in-spite of knowing she was going to die any moment of any day. In-spite of her suffering, she still thought about me and how to make my life better. At the risk of getting hate mail from those who think differently, I think Carol and the men who died on that beach had a lot in common when it comes to character and courage. I think of my own character and courage and doubt that I could ever be a tenth of the person these men and Carol where.

I may not have known these men, but I knew who these men were.

kel

Paris Part 2

I'll start with my journey getting here. I had a general idea of where the hotel was and from my experience so far of traveling through London, Lisbon, Berlin, and Amsterdam thought I would be ok getting to my hotel in Paris. BZZZZZ!!!! Wrong! As it turns out, no one in the country of France speaks English and are more than willing to tell anyone that fact in French. My attempts to ask for help or direction resulted in several people shaking their heads and waving me off. I found a both where I assumed I could buy at ticket and was able to do so. While I put up the paper of the name of the town I needed to go to all I was able to get out of her reply was "E". I assumed it meant the letter E for the subway. So, off I went to the letter "E". When I saw all the stops on the subway line, none looked anything like what I was looking for. I figured I was supposed to take "E" to another place and then transfer to another train. Shit.

The brilliant mind that I have thought I should get a map. Feeling better I got one. One that did not have my town on it.... But I was able, somehow, to see where I was and guessed at the next station to get off at. To make a long story short, I somehow found my station to transfer to the train to the name of the town I needed to be at. Next was finding my hotel. I had the name of the street on a paper and you would think even if I don't speak French and No One speaks English I could simply show my street name on the paper and they could simply "point" to the direction I needed to go. BZZZZ!!!! Wrong! If they hear English they are trained in school to speak rude words to you in French and wave your hands and walk away. Somehow I found a map on a billboard on a street corner and found my street which resulted in finding my hotel. The receptionist at the hotel must be some kind of freakish outcast among the French people. I felt pity on him. He spoke English.

Kel

Paris Part 1

I have a lot to share about Paris so far but I need to get out of my room. Ever feel like you need a vacation while on a long vacation? I did. I got here Monday and met some friends Monday night. I was supposed to go out Tuesday but woke up with my back hurting. Not real bad but it was like it could get worse if I don't slow down and take it easy. I had been feeling up till then that I just need to take a few days and sit and relax. I think I've walked 30 to 40 miles so far in two weeks. I sleep great and dreamed a lot of very cool dreams. I had my dream of being recalled to active duty again. Strange I keep having that....

So I'm off to see Paris. I might get one of those City tour buses and get my direction of where everything is. On Friday I have a 14 hour Landing Beaches of Normandy tour. I had to do that. It was a bit expensive but I figured I may never have a chance to see it again.

That's all for now,

Kel

Sad Goodbye Amsterdam

Here are just a few of the friends I made in Amsterdam. The buff guy sitting next to me is/was from my home town, Portland OR. We even knew some of the same people from a long time ago. I'm so grateful I took the time to take a short break and stay here. Some people know Amsterdam by rumors and Urban Legends. I can say from personal experience that I saw a few but I will leave Amsterdam with a sad goodbye. For me, Amsterdam made my life richer. Thank you to everyone who took the time and hang out with me.

and remember.... I was never 'really' there.... (sorry, inside joke)

Kel

Fundamental Transformation

I was reading a book once and it was talking about people going through dark times in their lives. It listed all the things I was feeling and going through. At the end it said that was called a "Fundamental Transformation". I remember being pissed at that. What the F does that mean? It's like they outline all these things and then when they don't know what to say it means they just throw something out that sounds kinda cool. What dose it really mean? At the time I gave up on it and went on with life.

I haven't been blogging much about my grief. I've been all into my European Journey and detailing my travels. Although I haven't wrote about it I have been thinking a lot about Carol. I have shared my loss with others I've meet along the way and am surprised I still find myself chocked up and cry at times. Under the surface it is still there, perhaps it will always be there.

I am different though today. I do feel like some fundamental part of me as a person has and is transforming into to a new person. I am accepting the person I am becoming and not resisting the change or trying to hang onto the memory of Carol. I'm not trying to force it to happen either. I can just sort of "feel" it happening. Like I don't really need to do anything but sit and watch the transformation. What I mean by "not do anything" is that I don't have to consciously try and work my way through the healing process. I still have to live and go through my daily life.

There are things I want today. There are relationships I want to have today. There are new friends I want to meet today. There are new places I want to see and enjoy today.

I am half way through my trip. I'm in Amsterdam. I went out for coffee with a bunch of people I just met. Wonderful fun people. We all laughed and joked and would talk all serious. I plan on hanging out with them tonight and tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to finding out who I will meet in Paris.

That's all for now. I hope everyone enjoys their weekend.

Kel

Next Stop Amsterdam

I'm off to Amsterdam tomorrow for two days. Then I leave for Paris Monday morning. I looked around and found a room 1.5 North of Paris for 10 days for $1600. That's not bad is it? I have a nice room with my own bathroom and high-speed internet at no extra cost.

I figured that I wanted to spend a significant amount of time at one place. It seems just as I get to know my way around I'm off to the next place. I thought it would be nice to stay in one place long enough to know my way around. I think Paris would be a good place for that. I might be able to take day trips around France and have a place to come back to at night. I might be able to take a day trip to Normandy and see things there. I would really like to see the D-Day landing areas.

Kel

Berlin PostOffice Does NOT take Credit Cards!

My last day in Berlin. I thought I'd come down to Starbucks and catch up on my blogs. Up until today, I have been not carrying anything around. I wear a plane tee shirt which helps me blend in. Today though, I took my backpack and immediately got hit up by Gypsies and other predators. I'm sure I've been cursed or something now.

I found a store with old Photographs of Berlin and Germany. Not real real old, only like from the early 50s. I saw one and fell in love with it. But it's $300. Is that too much?
See, there are other activities in Berlin that a perfectly legal here but not in the US. You would think that a single healthy middle aged male would be obliged to partake in activities. As they say, "when in Rome..." Call me what ever you want but I keep thinking of the things I could buy that would be something that could come back with me and be a part of my life for the rest of my life. For $300 I can bring a piece of Berlin back with me and put on my wall and talk about the things I saw and the people I met. Or I can get a 30min E-Ticket ride that is not for general conversations....

I think I'll get the picture.

So I got the picture... and found the Post-Office and after four tips through the line found out (after everything was stamped labeled etc etc...) that they don't take credit cards! I was so lucky I had just enough Euros to pay for it.

Take care all, next stop Amsterdam

Kel

Berlin

Well let me just start off by saying Berlin and I didn't get along at first. We had a bit of a bumpy road.

WARNING: Strong Adult Language to follow!

It's FUCKING HOT!!!!

OMG! It is so frigin hot here. I checked into my room and it's like Africa Hot. I look for the air conditioning... HA! NOT! I have a room that faces West. I have a window I could open but no air comes in. I am literally sweating in my room standing still. The second fan I got worked. But there are no plugs around the bed. So I had to plug it in by the main door and stretch it out to the bed. For some reason the bathroom is higher than the regular floor. My toes found that out in the middle of the night. Ouch!

Laundry. You would think it would be easy to ask where a laundry-mat is right? No. The girl was mystified at the request and tried looking for one on the Internet. After about 15min I asked, "Where does everyone smoke Crack?" She looked horrified! I said I bet where everyone smokes crack is a laundry mat because no one who smokes it can own a washer and dryer. She didn't think that was funny.... I did.

I found one the next day, next to an adult book store!

I ended my day with clean clothes and a nice walk around Berlin.

Kel

Lisbon 2

I apologize for the absence in my blog entries. I've been good about posting pics everyday but haven't sat down to write about my journey. I will start with Lisbon again. Specifically, two wonderful people I met there. Meguel and Jacqueline. I enjoyed hanging out with them and talking about many things. Although she is British, she has dual citizenship with Portugal. She can speak both languages easily. They both were examples of the wonderment and beauty of the Portugal people and the life there. I am in Berlin now and the contrast is amazing. To be fair though, Berlin is a multicultural city.

No one knows the future or what will happen. I'm not say that I can read the future and can predict things. No. While spending time with both of these people I was reminded of something. The way they communicated with each other. The way they communicated with others when one was not around reminded me of something. Something that I lost. When I was with both of them I was reminded of my own marriage and Carol. There are no guarantees in the world so all I can do is wish they get to live together a long time.

Thank you, thank you for your generosity and your friendship.

Kel

Lisbon

I am totally OSD when it comes to getting to airports early. I have know idea why but I must arrive early. It seems I over did it when I flew to Lisbon from London. Because I was flying on an airline I have never flown on I was a bit nervous about how it would all work. I ended up at Gatwick 6 hours early...oops. So I got to know Gatwick quite well. The flight was just like Southwest used to be. Everyone line up and like cattle, rush the gate! I was lucky and got a window seat. They charge for everything, I mean everything. No free drinks or coffee.When we arrived I couldn't stop smiling. Finally a a country I haven't been to before. I was so excited. Like a dumbass I burned up all my battery power playing Texas Hold'm. When I got here the name and address of the hotel was on my computer. So I had to guess at the name. I told the person I asked that it started with the letter B. That seem to not be enough.... So as luck would have it I ended up at a hotel starting with the letter B two blocks from another hotel starting with the letter B that was the right one! My room is great. I have a hard line internet access but it still cost $20 a day. A friend in England told me to stop complaining about how much everything is and just get over it. That is so hard to do though. I just sent my clothes to laundry and the cost to do my shirts is half of what the cost of the shirt itself is... ahhhh....

Speaking of my friend in London, I am happy to say that my tan has helped me blend in quite well here. I don't stand out from the crowd as I did in England. I don't think that will be the same when I travel to Berlin on Monday. But I'm working very hard at staying inside during the day and going out only at night.

The city is beautiful. The language is easy to read but impossible to understand. A lady told me her name and it sounded like she said fart in it somewhere and I was "not" going to repeat it!

Sorry for the short post. It is Sunday now and I'm going back to be with some friends I've meet here. Not many pictures here, again sorry. I'll do better in Germany.
Kel