Sad

I’m feeling sad today. Don’t know why, just am. I guess it is to be expected. I have two three day weekends coming up and I have no plans. All my friends are out of town this weekend. I’ve been meeting new friends but they have busy lives. So it’s me and the cats.

I broke down I hired a cleaning service. Carol would be very disappointed in me. It’s only once or twice a week. I’ll see how it goes.

Sorry for the short post.

“Seven Out, New Shooter”

My trip to Las Vegas was frigin great! I needed this trip so much.

I left Friday afternoon and flew on Southwest Airlines. I’m not into the whole A B or C thing but it was only a 50 minute flight and figured, what the hell. Got to Vegas, shuttle, and MGM without any issues. I never have been to the MGM before. I booked my room online and got a rather expensive room. I checked in and started my adventure to find the room. When I got off the elevator, I looked down the hallway and thought there must be a mirror at the other end because I could hardly see the end. Of course my room was halfway. SO after about 30 min of walking (ok, only like 2 or 3…) I got to my room. I’m on the 8^th floor so I figure I should have a nice view, right. Imagine my surprise when I opened the window and saw my great view of….. a wall. No shit. A huge frigin wall! You would think they would tell you something when you book the room. That particular section of that particular side is the only one that is right up against another building with no view. I thought about it for a few minutes and thought that I didn’t come to vegas to sit in my room. Next time, I’m calling and making sure I get what I’m expecting to get. I would recommend the same for anyone else planning on going.

I was hungry and decided to have a quick bit to eat. Went down stairs and had a BLT. $20.00. When I asked to substitute the fries for fruit he said that would be extra. Imagine how I felt by now… I paid top dollar for a room with the view of a wall and now they want more money for frigin Fruit?! I skipped the fruit and decided I wouldn’t be eating here for the rest of the weekend.

It sounds so far like I didn’t have a great time. But I actually did. I went to gamble. I like to play craps. I played a total of about 10 – 15 hours over Friday and Saturday. I was ahead all the way to late Saturday night. Then I did something your not supposed to do, changed my betting style. Oh NO!!!! yes, I did… See, I usually put Come bets to move to the points while the marker is On. Then I put odds on the bet on the point. It takes awhile to get all the Come bets to get on all the numbers except for the Point before the shooter craps out. Then I learned that place bets are not bought bets. The return smaller odds than the Come bets but you can put your money on the points. So let me show you the math. At a $10 table I can start out with $85 on the table if the point is 8 or 6. After hearing the dealer shout, “Seven Out, New Shooter!” a few times, I found myself down. I had to dig into my pocket for another 100 just to try and get back what I started with. When all was said and done, I left the weekend down $275. I think that isn’t too bad and I still had a great time.

Well that’s all for now, I just wanted to share my trip with everyone. I’ll write more this week. Key Cat is not doing well…

Shared Dreams Part 1

I wanted to share with everyone a dream from a very close friend of Carol. Her name is Sheri and she said it was ok to post this on my blog:

Kelly,

Thank you so much for your courage and honesty. I can't tell you how much your blog has helped me in my grieving process. It has been a roller coaster ride for sure.

Wednesday night I had an incredible dream and am compelled to share it with you. So here goes.

GODDESS CAROL
There was a very large acrylic crate with a lid that was filled with water. I was closing the lid and felt some resistance, and opened the lid to see a very large cat slowly popping his head out. I'm talking like 30 or 40 pounds. He was a silver tabby with beautiful steel blue eyes. I felt as if he was amused with me and then he slowly lowered back into the water. As I reached into the box to lift him up, the whole room became water. I cupped his neck with my hands and slowly lifted him up to only see Carol's beautiful face. She had a beautiful smile and her face was a little pudgy, like she had gained some weight.

I felt my breath be taken away because I was so surprised and THRILLED to see her and to be actually physically touching her.

She communicated with me telepathically. She acknowledged all at once...My surprise, Our Love for each other, Her obvious weight gain (giggling strongly about that), Her pure happiness, Her freedom from CF and that she wasn't alive, but had past over.

Her personality was vibrating very strong with a great sense of humor and a lot of playfulness, she made me feel as if I had just caught my breath after having a 5 minute belly laugh. (Ya know how you just kinda glow after laughing so hard) There was also such a calming, encouraging, supportive and patient presence about her also.

But the incredible Love I felt from her was almost indescribable. I knew she knows now, everything about me and still loves me unconditionally. But it went beyond a friendship or even the love a mother has for her child. There was a very strong Goddess energy to her.

I held her for maybe 2 seconds and she was able to communicate all of that to me that quickly and so much more that I just don't remember yet.

I was just getting ready to ask her, "What can I do to help ease Kelly's pain" when the whole room began to flow into a lobby of an old hotel. We somehow became separated and I felt as if someone, was after me. I started to feel as if the water was getting thicker and I was exhausted moving through it trying to find a place to hide.

At this point, I realized I was in a dream. I acknowledged/honored and thanked Carol for visiting me and then asked for help.

An older man stepped out of his hotel room and shut the door. I was now standing at the top of the stairs, dripping wet and asked him if he could hide me. He opened his door and I woke up.

-I don't know what any of this means after I saw Carol, but I thought I would add it non-the-less.

Later yesterday I realized that I was holding Carol in the palm of my hands. Which was a little interesting to me because I had just finished a 4 day Qigong seminar at UCSD on Tuesday and have been feeling lots and lots of Qi in the palms of my hands. I thought about Carol a lot there. But that really isn't unusual because I think of her all of the time. I just miss her so fucking much. But we did a lot of breath work, and I kept asking her for strength cuz it was so hard at times and I just wanted to quit. But as usual, Carol gave me the strength to move through it.

Kelly, please know that if there is any thing that I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask. And the next time I cruz up to my mom's, I'll give you a call to see if you are interested in getting a massage. I kinda blend everything I know, Thai Massage, Sports massage, Healing Touch, Swedish, TuiNa etc.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I that I send you lots of love all of the time.

Namaste my dear friend,

Sheri

Going to Europe

How do two people who love each other and want to grow old together talk about dying? If you talk about dying it’s as if one or the other has given up. Like, the very conversation itself has some mystical power of bring death just by saying it. Denial is an advocate of this and our minds use it to protect ourselves from saying anything about dying. But let’s face it, some things need to be said.

Carol’s mother died tragically in an automobile accident in 1999. I remember going through the grieving process with her. How she healed from that is a blueprint that I try to follow today. One of Carol’s family members had a hard time with the death of Carol’s mother. The family member decided that they were simply going to think Carol’s mother was on vacation in Europe. This gave birth to the ‘code’ word that Carol and I used to talk about her death, Going to Europe.

We would laugh out load ever time we would start out by saying, “When (I)(you) go to Europe…” I can’t tell you how important that was to me and her. I’ll share one conversation we had about Going to Europe. We were driving down Arrow on our way to the mall. She said, “You know when two people love each other very much and one is going to die? And that the one who is going to die tells the other that after they die they want them to meet someone and continue on with life? Well, that doesn’t apply to you. When I go to Europe I want 10 years of misery out of you.” We both started laughing.

We used Going to Europe to talk about the details of things. Our hopes and fears and wishes. I hope this helps someone out there who is living with someone who is ill. They need to talk about details, fears, or wishes but don’t know how to talk about it without sounding like they have given up. You don’t have to use our ‘code’ word. Make up your own. Once you do, you’ll be surprised how easy it is to start talking about it.

Headstone Part 2

I got the letter yesterday saying her headstone had been placed. I know some of you asked to have me post a picture of it so here it is...

I hope everyone approves.

...happy birthday?

I wasn’t going to say anything and let the day go buy quietly without any fan fair. But Carol loved my birthday. She always made a big deal out of it. She knew I didn’t care and loved that in annoyed the hell out of me. It would give her the giggles. Today is also 5 months since she died. I’m at work. So far so good. I’m a bit shaky but that is to be expected. I don’t feel like I’m floundering in an open ocean with no land in sight. Just sad.

I’m looking forward to Vegas. I want to relax Saturday by the pool, read a book, maybe get a massage (the real kind). Friday I’ll walk around a bit. Listen to some music. Saturday night is where I’ll get down to some serious gambling. I like to play craps so I expect to be spending some time at the table. I’m thinking of pay some Texas Hold’m newbie tax. Meaning, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing but want to try and play because I love to watch it on TV. Because I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m sure I’m going to not do well. But I just have to give it a shot. It’s Vegas right?

I have another post I’m going to make today so check back in at the end of the day.

For all the people out there that have sent prayers my way, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It might have made a difference…

Vegas Baby!

I did it. I’ve been wavering back and forth about going back to Vegas. I went last time the day after Carol’s funeral. It was not a good idea and came right home. I didn’t even put a quarter in a slot machine. This time I feel a lot better and am looking to gamble, see some friends, and have a good time. I have kept looking at it and going as far as clicking on the purchase button and then chicken out. Not this time. I’m going to Vegas the weekend of the 24 of Aug. Staying at the MGM Grand. Think of it as a late birthday present to myself.

I can’t wait!

Jack Bauer vs. Jason Bourne

Jack Bauer vs. Jason Bourne, who would win.? I mean, Jack had gotten out of more jams in 15 min than what seems possible for any human. I think his current body count for 5 days is like 60? I could be wrong on that but he sure has killed a lot of people. Jason on the other hand has no memory of who he was but has perfect memory on how he did what he did. So if the two were head to head with Jack on a mission to kill Jason, would Jason survive or would Jack complete the mission?

As you can tell I went to see the latest Bourne movie with Cambria and friends in Simi Valley. What a great F’n movie! I recommend it to anyone who likes action movies. I think it was the best of the three.

That’s all. No drama, no more excursions into area’s I don’t belong. Just me, a movie with friends, hanging out at home with the cats and watch’n TV. Watched Tiger yesterday win another major. It’s good to be alive today.

Routine

Up until now I do my best to get through each day. Until recently, my life has been mostly spent re-acting to things rather that acting to things. Meaning I never seem to have the initiative on each day. I get up go to work and deal with what is given me. I come home and deal with what I feel or think that day. But I can't seem to get into a rhythm of life. Carol was good at that. She had a routine of things that needed to get done and she seemed to always get them done. Me on the other and, can't seem to get anything going on a regular basis.

I suppose a part of the problem is that I'm inherently lazy with a slight case of the procrastination. The thing about grief is whatever issues you had before the loss will still be waiting for you when you start to get through things. So here I am now and my character flaws are still here. Not only do I have to learn to a new way of life, I still have to work on my underlining issues that where there before Carol died.

So, How does one do that? Start a routine that is.

sex

First let me apologize to all the people out there who are close to me and Carol and may be very offended by this post. I’m not going to be graphic or disrespectful in anyway. But I am going to be candid and honest about it too. Why? Because sex is a part of grief just like everything else. People don’t talk about it and pretend its not important or something to suppress. How can I have a genuine blog about the loss of my wife and never talk about what it has been like to lose sex?

I have found that after Carol died, I have been able to learn to fill in and take care of the things she did. I’ve learned to watch my money. Pay my bills on time. I have a gardener to take care of the yard. I found time to take my car into the shop. I take my shirts and slacks into the dry cleaners and pick them up. Fixed the sprinkler when it broke. All of these things I have been able to be taken care of by me or with the help of someone else.

But what about sex?

How dose someone take care of that need? I understand that some people do not see it as a need and don’t give it very much attention. (Friends and family look away for a moment) But Carol and I really enjoyed it. Sex was a part of our lives just as all the other things in our lives. The last year was very difficult for us. I won’t go into details, I’m sure you can use your own imagination to see what I’m talking about. I would always be concerned and afraid. Because she could bleed at any moment, I would always be worried when… Although people may not want to see Carol in that way, I can tell you as her husband; Carol was a woman with needs and was very satisfied with getting them met. During the last year though, for me, I was always reserved and cautious.

Here I am now, 5 months later. I know I’ve said before that I am committed to a live of celibacy for one year. I also said I didn’t know if it was unrealistic or setting myself up for failure. I received a lot of encouraging words telling me to stay focused on being a widow and working on learning to live a life alone. Some people want me to move on when the time is right and start a new life with someone else. Not right now, but in time.

It is with great regret that I share that I was not able to keep that commitment. As I go on here, please continue reading through to the end.

The Internet is a wonderful/terrifying thing. I was able, with time and patience, find and locate another person who was willing to fulfill each of our needs. I wont give any further details other than that she was a great person and all our needs where met.

Now let me talk about the next day. Well, it really wasn’t the next day because I never slept. I stayed up all night and went right into work at 6am the next day. What the “F” was I thinking? I’m not 29 anymore. I can’t stay up all night and go into work the next day. I did my best and went home.

And then it hit. Guilt, Shame, and Depression. How could I do this? I’m not that type of person. I had made arrangements to meet again but this time she was coming over to my house. I was panicked. I didn’t want that. I called and talked to some friends. Some of what I was going through was related to not having any sleep. Some of it was the experience itself. I emailed her and told her I didn’t think it was good to meet again.

I went to the store for the first time in a long time. I got good food to eat. For the first time I felt completely comfortable shopping by myself and for myself. At home, I put things away, cleaned the cat box, watch TV, had some dinner. The feeling I was alone was not painful. It was peaceful. When I went to bed I had this feeling that I wanted to be in bed alone. For the first time I felt comfortable and safe alone in my bed. I didn’t want anyone else there with me.

I guess sometimes it’s easier to know what we don’t want rather than what we do want. I had to be with someone before I could know I didn’t want to be with someone. I am so grateful that I did not have to do that with someone who is very close to me. I’m grateful that I still have my friendships.

Compelled

I am amazed at the different people from all over the world who are coming to visit this blog. In a way I feel compelled to write something each day. However that would take away what I think brings people here, genuineness. I am not writing ‘for’ people but ‘to’ people about my journey. I try to be as detailed and explicit as I can without compromising other people’s privacy. I try not to hold back my feelings, emotions, or thoughts. Also, I’d like to think this is not a wall to splatter self-pity on. This tragic loss has devastated my foundation as a person and my identity. I recently told a friend that people die everyday. For each person who dies, there are many left behind to morn. If you think about it, at any given moment, half the population of the world is morning the death of a loved one. That means most of humanity spends most of its time grieving the death of others. It’s strange that grief, as a solitary event, is experience by so many people at any given moment…

On a happier note, August has continued to be kind to me. Nothing major has occurred that is of blog worthy to write about. I hope all is well for everyone.

kel

Suicide

“What?!” You say. What happened to a drama free August? Relax. Today will be an average day I promise.

For all that I’ve gone through, for all that I’ve shared, why hasn’t the topic of suicide ever come up? Is it that I don’t think about it? Or if I do, don’t want to talk about it? How can someone who loved as deeply as I’ve loved, participated in a beautiful relationship, and had a day to day physical companion not think about suicide?

About 5 or 6 years ago suicide is something I thought a lot about. Back then, the idea of going on and living without Carol was very painful. I couldn’t imagine life without her. I made up my mind that if or when she died, I would follow soon after.

Over the last few years I watched as Carol fought to live. She wanted nothing more than to continue living another day. She loved life more than anything and by shear willpower, somehow continued to recover from life ending events. I believe if it wasn’t for her arteries giving out, she would still be here today and this blog would not be here. After last year's ‘event’, I started to think about her dying each day. I worried it could happen at any minute on any day. What would I do? How would I go on? Would I end my life? The answer is obvious to me today; I can not throw away something that Carol valued more than anything, Life. To willingly give up something she would give anything to have is something beyond my ability to articulate in words.

Now don’t miss understand me either. The depth and degree of pain, loss and loneliness has been so pronounced that I just feel like dying. Feeling like I want to die is different than Wanting to die. I don’t want to die. But sometimes the pain gets so great I just want it to stop and dying seems to be the only option for it to end. I don’t know how but I seem to make it through those moments.

I’m coming up on my 5 month mark. I have made some terrible mistakes along the way. I may have lost a great friendship. However, I have made some good decisions and have built stronger friendships with people I hardly knew before. Give and Take. Ebb and Flow. Some of my worst character defects have been free to create a mass of destructions in my relationships. However, some of my character assets have kept me getting up each day with the willingness to continue living.

If you have faced or are going to face a loss such as mine, I hope that this topic helps you.

Hello August

Hello August, I hope your going to be nicer than July. I know, I know July would say it had nothing to do with it. That it was all me. Fine, I'll accept that. But you, August, I'll do my best to keep my side of the street clean and you stop throwing shit at me? Deal?

Today was a boring day. I got up, went to work, worked hard, came home, ate some fruit, and watched TV. I'd say August is on a good start to keep it's end of the deal.

Kel