An End to 2007

I didn't do well through the holidays. Everyone had told me it would be difficult. I knew it would be difficult but still, I thought somehow someway I could cheat it. Find a magic formula or distraction to get my through it. (loud buzzer) Wrong! Pain and grief, pain and grief. There was no way to avoid it.

I dreamt of Carol last night. We where getting ready to go somewhere together. Going somewhere with Carol was always an event. Pack this, look for that, need this, need that. It never bothered me. It was just what we had to do to go somewhere. It was good to see her again. I hope she visits more.

I talked the one of the main people at South Cost Divers. He emailed me and it seems that in all fairness, I need to speak up when I need help. They can't read minds and it's not fair to expect them too. I just have a problem asking for help. I was abandon as a child when I was 10. Since then I have had dedicated my life to be self sufficient. Carol was a unique person who came into my life and I allowed myself to become dependent on her to be a part of my life. Anyway, back to SCD. I had an email exchange with one of the main participants of the group. I'm looking forward to meeting him tomorrow for a dive.

Speaking of dives. I did actually get to go on one last Wed. I went with my dive instructor on a fun dive. Stayed out 60 min at a depth of 40ft. It was nice. My mask flooded the whole time. That sucked.

Speaking of things that suck. I left work on the 20th. The light turned green for me to turn left. As I finished my turn, someone ran a red light and hit me. Only minor damage to the car. I was lucky someone pulled over to be a witness. When I told the driver she ran the light she denied it and said I ran the light. Sad.

Speaking of sad. 2007. What an bad year. I'm glad it's over. Tomorrow will mark the countdown to March 15. I am doing everything thing I can to heal. I am active. I exercise. I go out with friends. I think once I get past the one year mark, things might get different for me. I hope anyway. Maybe that should be my theme for 2008, Hope.

Kel

xmas day

Just a quick note to let everyone know today is going better than I thought it would. The wind was too strong to go golf but plan on trying again tomorrow. I ended up going last night at the last min. It was very very hard even though I probably looked like I was doing fine. I wanted to go and I'm happy I did.



Merry Christmas everyone.



Kel

xmas eve

Tiers are running down my face as I write this. I have tried so hard to gut through this. To move on with life they way Carol would want. To go to the Family xmas eve party that they have every year. I know everyone wants to see me and hear what I have been doing.

But it hurts so bad...

I'm so sorry if I can't make it. I will try.

Freddie

I was with some friends today. One of my friends, Freddie, passed out. We called 911 and when the paramedics came to help, I held his hand to give him comfort. An hour latter he died.

South Coast Divers

I tried to go diving again today. God hates me or is having fun messing with me. I finally got to go down on a Saturday to dive with a group that claims to be very helpful to new divers. (bet you can see where this is going...) I show up and meet one guy, nice. After awhile a few more show up until there is about 8. Then we all take off for the beach. Same place as before. Auhhh!

I park and start to get my stuff ready. I notice that everyone seems to be able to do everything by themselves. I need help with my suit so I go over and ask someone to help. He didn't seem like he wanted to and when he pulled the zipper, it jammed. It jammed hard. I tired to fix it but it looked like I was going to have to take everything off. By then everyone was done and getting ready to go dive. Then the all left me. It took awhile and after I used my knife to cut the fabric it came unjammed. The suit I have is hard to get into and hard to get out of. So I sat there, all alone, and thought what should I do? If I go through all that again, I still need someone to help me zip it. Then I walked down the stairs and what if they started diving? I can't go in alone and if I did find them, I would only be able to stay down as long as my buddy's air which would be less than mine. So I put my pants and shirt on and walked down the steps. I guess they waited for me in the ocean and when they saw I did not have gear on, dove under the water. I sat and waited for them to come out and see if I could get help with the second dive. But when they came out they said they were done for the day.

shit

Maybe next Saturday. I have another class next Saturday and if it don't rain, I have a good chance of getting to dive.

An End and a Beginning

Today ends my time at the location I have worked at for one year. For those who have been keeping up, the sign today says 266 days since Carol died. I am glad no one has been hurt but I am also grateful I will not have to see that sign anymore. It is strange, I have worked here twice as long as a widower as I did married. It doesn’t seem like that but it is. I will be very sad to leave the people I have become very good friends with. I enjoyed working with everyone here.

Monday begins my time at the new location of work. I am looking forward to working with everyone I used to work with before. They are all good friends and great engineers.

That’s all for now.

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

-Author Unknown until I get turned into the DCMA

Acceptance Part 1

The next day I was supposed to go into work to make up hours from being sick on Monday. But I stayed home and got the room ready to be moved in to. The pain was still there but at lest I had stopped crying. By noon the room was ready. I sent a text message that the room was ready and come over anytime.

At 2pm I attended a service for my friend killed on his bike. It was sad and I left at 3:30pm. I stopped at Soup Plantation and had an early dinner. Did you know they have new soup bowls? They are the size of my palm. They are not bowls, they are cups. Pissed me off. I like to put mushrooms and black olives in the bowl and then put clam chowder in it. But the size of the cup now is pathetic. Why have Soup in your F’n name then give a cup to put it in? “Thank you for your money now leave hungry please.”

Ok, sorry for the rant. I went home and waited for Joe to move in. He finally came by and moved his stuff in.

After my breakdown last night I’ve been thinking. Thinking about what or who I am now. I want so desperately to have Carol back in my life but that is not going to happen. Before I met Carol I was mostly kept to myself. It is odd that Carol and I fit so perfectly together. We spent our time together and enjoyed being together. Now that she is gone I’m reverting to being someone who keeps to themselves. Alone. I don’t think that is a good thing. I think that if the day comes when or if I am with another woman, the relationship is going to be different than what I had with Carol. Carol and I had broken pieces that fit each other’s broken pieces. With Carol gone, I still have broken pieces. I am coming to accept the fact that if I have another relationship, it may be based upon something completely different.

Pain Part 4

I met a kid out from Chicago going to school for an automobile company. He is a nice kid and seems to be quite and laid back. He is living in an apartment with 5 other guys. Apparently it is a difficult situation and as close to hell as someone of his personality can get. I thought about it and finally asked him to move in. I will be traveling next year and it would help to have someone here looking after the house and the cats. It’s only till the middle of February which will give me a chance to see if this type of arrangement is suited for me.

We met at the house and I showed him around. He met the cats. They seem to like him. We talked about ground rules and expectations then set a date to move in. We set Sat Dec 1^st as the date to move in. All last week I kept putting off getting the room ready. Then came Friday night when I had to do it. I was frozen and couldn’t seem to bring myself to do it. Then it came from out of no where, Pain.

Pain

It hit like a rock thrown through a glass window. My illusion or delusion was shattered. I was sitting there thinking I got to get things ready when out of no where a though came into my head. It said, “Carol won’t like living with a room mate.” I was stunned. Carol is dead. Then it hit. I’ve been waiting for her to come home. In some part of my thinking or a part of my brain I’ve been holding on to the fact that this is just some kind of nightmare and that soon it will all be over and Carol will be home. The part of my brain that lives in reality has been trying to go on with my life. But another part has been living a secret life of waiting for her to come home. With this person moving in, my denial was shattered.

I sat on my couch and cried. I cried like the day she died. Still, the room stayed the same.