And I'm back

OK, I'm back.

Why? Three reasons:

1. I miss writing. Odd to say if you knew me but I miss writing about what I'm thinking, feeling and doing. I miss trying to find a way to communicate exactly how I feel. I miss being creative with telling a story. My grammar sucks and must drive some people crazy but I do the best I can.

2. I'm still in the shit. Big time. It's been 43 months and I still grieve.

3. Just because.

I've opened up comments again. It's open to anyone. I'll looking in from time to time to make sure I don't get spammed.

That's all for now, I'll start writing again soon. Take care everyone.

Kel

BTW: I'm living in Virginia now...

CONCLUSION

This blog has come to a conclusion. Carol's blog and even mine have been used by people around me to benefit themselves at my expense. For the most part, I believe the benefits I have gained by using it as a tool to heal has exceeded what it has cost me. But that is in retrospect. I need to be looking ahead and make decisions that will give me every chance to succeed that I can.

I gave some consideration to removing it all together. However, I think about the few people who have, or are going to, go through a tragic loss of a loved one close to them and stumble across my blog. My expressions and disclosures are motivated to tell others they are not alone. What they think, what they do, how they feel is not unique. Some have variations of feelings, thoughts and actions but a common thread prevails.

Where am I now? What is going on? Did we win the contract? Did my leap of faith land me on my feet?

The best story is told, and ended, by leaving the reader wanting more. Love me or hate me, I think this is the best way to end this story.

I love you Carol. You meant everything to me. Your loss has broken my heart and my soul in a way that will never be repaired. I will continue to live the best way I can and wait for the day we see each other again.

Good bye everyone. Thank you for your love, prayers and support throughout the years. Without all of you, I would have never made it to where I am today.

#1 Fan

Going Crazy

I'm not doing good. I've been unemployed since April 2nd. I was told to come up to bremerton to start a part time job on the 3rd of May. I started on the 10th of May and worked 5 hours. I haven't worked again and have not heard anything about working again. It was a bridge effort to help me out while waiting for news of winning the contract that I had come up for. News of that contract will not be announced until some time in June. If we win the work will start in July.

So here I sit. World of Warcraft. Online Poker. Other online activities....

I'm ready to hit the eject button and come back to California. I have no family. I have no father, mother, brothers, sisters, aunts, or uncles. My only family are my friends I've left behind. I have spent the last 13 years growing and developing those relationships. Before 13 years ago I moved every 2 to 3 years. Until now, I never knew what it felt like to leave all those people after all those years. It hurts.

I am angry. Angry that I let myself get in this type of jackpot. Because I accepted part time work I'm now ineligible for unemployment. I would need to be laid off again.

What do I do now? I've asked for some clarification about when I'll start part time. Nothing. I've started to look at other jobs. I'm talking to a recruiter in Seattle. I'm looking at leaving for the weekend. But another part of me wants to return to California. I'm alone here in an apartment with nothing to do. I'm going crazy.

While I try and figure out what to do, I think I'll rent "Up in The Air" and wish....

Kel

5 and a Wake-up

It’s been awhile since I wrote. I’ve been busy getting ready to move to Washington State. The house is sold to a nice cute young couple whose parents to one of the buyer’s lives on the street over from me. I’m so happy the house is going to a nice young couple to move into and start a family. Sounds lame but that’s how I feel about it.

It’s been surprisingly easy to throw a lot of stuff out. Not anything like I had felt in the past. I keep a few things here and there but for the most part everything is going. I sold 90% of my house hold stuff to Darcy to have when she moved into her new house. I want to start over in WA with building my own household stuff. Now don’t think I’ve purged everything out my life that reminds me of Carol. Oh no. I have kept a few things here and there that may not mean anything to the casual observer but is priceless to me.

I went online to reserve the truck. That is a scary thing. An action associated with a commitment to actually leave. A day is set. Will I have everything ready?

I have a few things of Carol’s that I want to give to her sister. I’m not sure how to do that. Seems I’ve been cut out of her life and she wants nothing to do with me. I’m fine with that. But not sure how to get a few things to her before I leave that won’t cause a big drama scene. I’d like to avoid that even if it is unhealthy to do so. If anyone from Carol’s family wouldn’t mind storing a few boxes and footlockers for her sister I would be very grateful. If not then I might put it in a storage unit we still have and send the key to her. The problem is I pay a lot for a little storage space and not sure how long I want to keep that up while she puts off getting it out.

So here I am, getting ready to push off and away from California. I’ve been here for 19 years. I’ve been in the Inland Empire for 13 years. Being with Carol were the best years of my life. After 5 and a wake-up, I will leave it all behind me and see where life takes me next.

#1Fan

Kitty

Yesterday I put my cat to sleep. Her name was Keycat or Kitty. Keycat was slang for kitty cat. Carol got her when she was a baby kitten. As a kitten she was extremely violent and would try and kill other cats or kittens. She would attack Carol’s face while she slept. Carol took her to the Vet to see what could be done. The vet said the only thing that can be done for this cat was to put her down. She was not going to change. At the Vet’s office was one of Carol’s cousins Kitty. Carol was not about to give up and decided to name the kitten Kitty and learn to figure out how to tame this violent kitten.

Carol went to the book store (years before the Internet) and got several books on aggressive cats and how to tame them. After months of hard work she started to calm down. Carol started dating around this time and went out with a guy who came over to her house. While sitting on the couch he was talking to Kitty when she reached up and opened up is nose. To this day he still has a visible scar on his nose from Kitty. When I met Carol on our first blind date I came unprepared. I didn’t give much thought about blind dates; they never work out. When the door opened and I saw how beautiful Carol was and how grungy I looked I thought, “Shit! I screwed this up.”

Kitty sealed the deal for me. While sitting on the couch, Kitty came up and started to rub on me and purr in a very happy way. For Carol, no matter how bad the first date went, she was going to figure out what it was about this man that Kitty seemed to like.

So there I was yesterday at the vets. I was agonizing over what I was about to do. My heart was pounding and aching. With sobbing tears they came to sedate her. I saw Kitty (Carol’s cousin) and thought she would come in but a mix up of who was doing what prevented her from coming in. I wanted her to come in very much but was so emotional I couldn’t be assertive enough. Then they came and euthanized her. I stayed a few minutes with her. I felt like I had failed Carol.

I went home. My house is empty now. I stood in my house crying. The phone rang and the caller ID said it was the vet. I picked it up and Kitty was on the other end. Now let me take a moment and just say that of all the years I’ve know Kitty she has never been the type of person to show any emotions… ever. Every once an awhile you catch a corner of her mouth upturn to make a smile. But other than that I have never seen or heard her share emotionally. She is just not that type of person. On the phone she said, “Kelly, I just wanted you to know that Carol would have been so proud of you. You cared and loved for her cats and they got to live a lot longer and happier because of you. I am so proud of you.” It was not the words that hit me the hardest. It was she said them through a sobbing voice cracked with tears and grief. I couldn’t speak; all I could do was cry out loud with her.

Thank you Kitty.

Act of Faith

I heard a story a long time ago about the difference between Hope and Faith. When sitting in the audience of a circus watching a tightrope walker push a wheel barrel across the tightrope you Hope they make it across. Faith is when you get in the wheel barrel.

When I met Carol had a high degree of Faith in my life. I had a close relationship with my Higher Power (HP) who was loving, warm and caring in my life. As the years went by living with Carol and her disease my faith began to diminish. It didn’t happen all at once but slowly eroded over time. The last year of Carol’s life was the hardest. It was difficult to be front seat in her life watching her pain and suffering. She would sit up at night and cry asking why this was happening, why she hurt and suffered, why she would go to school or do things for a future she knew she would never have. I didn’t know it at the time but it had a profound effect on my faith also.

After she died my Faith in my HP was very limited. My relationship was one of mutual understand that each exists and is present but not much more beyond that. As events started to happen in my life that would show signs of the active participation in my life of my HP, I would start to get angry. It got to the point were I was up one night crying and screaming at my HP to stop doing things for me. He abandon Carol and would prefer if he would do the same for me. I didn’t want to see wonderful things in my life knowing they didn’t happen for Carol.

I’m losing my job. While searching for a job I found a listing for one in a town that was my first duty station out of boot camp. I left in 1989 and promised I would find a way to return. Then I got stationed in San Diego, then Ventura, and then met Carol. My promise to return never came to be. So now I have an opportunity to return but it is more than that. See, the opportunity to return to work is a very rare opportunity. Jobs almost never open up there. It’s not just any job either. It is a weapons research and development location. Not a place where you think that there might be a job in software development. This job is for software development. Not just a job in software development but a lead for a team.

The hitch is that it is a part of a contract being competed against a company already doing the job. The contract will be awarded in June. I won’t know till June if I have a job. I can’t take another job within my company because I would not be eligible to transfer for six months. Making me ineligible for the job if they win the contract. My last day of work is April 2^nd. I would be out of work and not able to look for another job for two months. There is no guarantee that there would be a job in June.

Which brings us back to the topic of Faith and my relationship with my HP. It came to me last night that this is a direct message to me from my HP. It’s like he (sorry for the use of the male pronoun) is holding up a large bold sign saying, “LOOK, I’M HERE!” The odds of a job, doing what I do, with the opportunity to be a lead of a team, working at a place that does not ever offer the opportunity happening at this moment in time is immeasurable.

So I have decided to put my Faith in action and get in the wheel barrel. I will accept the offer if given and wait till June. The way I see it is that this is not and issue of if I have the Faith of getting the job or not. This is an issue to begin to heal my Faith and relationship with my HP. It is not the results that is the lesson but the act of Faith.

Lost my job

On Friday I was given notice that I no longer have a job. My last day of work is the 2 April.

a man walks alone

To the end of days a man walks alone.

Looking forward yields a vast view of obscure clarity of purpose.

His mind wanders aimlessly.

Sharp edges of the new day caress his soft skin till it is all gone exposing the bone for all to see and wonder at the site of his joyful efforts.

“I command!” he yells.

Nothing responds.

At the end of days, a man walks alone.

Things Change

What can I say: Things change. The rational mind knows this, anticipates this and even plans for it. But the emotional mind is like a cat on Crack in a small cardboard box. Up then down then up then sideways. Pause to take a breath, and then repeat.

Things change. I’m hanging in there with school. I’m amazed. My brain went into shutdown mode and it was hard to get it restarted. I’m getting through it and believe I’ll salvage this Term and be ready to start next Term.

I have my resume in the hands of 5 hiring managers. One is for a job in England. I’m excited about that. I have an interview in El Segundo on Monday. Not sure what for. I applied for one position but the seem to want to talk to me to see if I can fit another need. They didn’t talk about it and said more would be revealed on Monday. My only reservation is the commute to work. I live in Upland and it would be like driving to LAX and back every day. That takes about an hour more of my life away a day sitting in traffic. Leave at 5am and get home about 5 or 5:30 each day.

Darcy signed loan docs on Monday. Now it’s just a waiting game to get the keys. It would have been nice to get the keys today because she has 4 days off and it would have been perfect for moving in. But it didn’t happen so she will move out next weekend. Speaking of which, I will be gone next weekend hanging with friends in Bakersfield.

So to summarize, I’m still in school, still doing ok, finding a new job, and over all ok. The only exception is my feelings of grief are still here and still hard to handle some days.

Stuck

I’ve been here before. It took me awhile to remember the landmarks and get a sense of familiarity with it. For the last nine days I have been here. Wandering around lost and confused. Although it look vaguely familiar I was so caught up in the feelings of depression to not recognized it.

Last Monday I was told I would be losing my job and to begin to look for work. For some unknown reason I felt like I had been kicked in the gut again. Now don’t misunderstand me. I didn’t go cry in my pillow boohoo all night. No, what I did or am doing is much worse; giving up on things that are important in my life because I lost the will to have it.

I’ve been here before. No will or ambition or goals to keep me going. Just the day to day pathetic existence called living. I stopped doing school work. I stopped calling my friends. When I talk with my friends it’s with a strong sarcastic tone that makes it impossible to be around me for very long.

I keep thinking I need to do my school work. But I start to think about trying to figure out the benefits of Interpretive theory or Grounded theory as a qualitative research method. My mind goes into shut down mode with a big “So Fucking What” voice.

I’ve been walking around asking what is wrong with me. Then it hit me, I’ve been here before. I lived like this a long time after Carol died. Living day after day with a big “So Fucking What” sign hanging over my head. It sucks having to look for work. Sucks getting rejected. Sucks having an MBA and being rejected to manage a Fucking swing shift and McDonalds. (ok, that last one wasn’t true but I still get rejected for lead or manager positions within my company) I get rejected because I became complacent and comfortable doing what I do and have not broken free to take on something challenging.

So here I am, stuck. I’m losing my job. Darcy is moving out and I will be losing my relationship. I’m losing my will to continue with my education. Soon I will be right at the same spot I was almost three years ago.

I’ve been hear before.

Dreams Part 5

I had a dream last night about Carol. In the dream I was at the hospital cafeteria waiting to see her doctor. For some reason I had my Nook with me and lost it. After I found it I sat alone in the cafeteria. Sitting there, alone a feeling overwhelmed me all at once. It was the same feeling of pain that I felt the day Carol died. It is difficult to put into words. It’s more than hurt, more than crying. It’s like there is this large ball in your chest that is growing and is trying to burst out. It comes in waves, smaller at first and continues to grow in length and intensity. The pressure gets so intense it feels like my eyes are bulging and my ears are going to burst. I just want it out of my body but it won’t, or can’t leave.

I wake up. The side of my face is wet and my pillow is saturated from crying. Flipping the pillow over I got back to sleep. In my next dream I am telling someone about the dream I just had. As I do so, the pain rushes back into my body again and I repeat the process all over again. I wake up. Now I need a new pillow. Falling back asleep, I dream about telling someone my dream and do it all over again.

It has been a long time since I felt the pain of Carol’s death. I had forgotten the experience and the feeling. I remember thinking at the time I would never live without pain again. I believed the pain would never, could never, leave me. I also remember being afraid to let go of the pain because I would start to forget. With Carol gone the only feeing I had left to hang onto was the pain.

So what does this mean? I don’t know. What I do know is the pain was welcomed like an old friend. In a sad way it felt good. Real good. I hadn't felt the pain for so long that it was like an old friend had come to visit once again. Each time I woke up, I would remember how much my missed my old friend.