Hey everyone. Sorry for the time gap in my posts. I've been busy with doing things and going places. I kept thinking about blogging but that's as far as it got, thinking. I have a few posts in draft but not ready to post them yet. I want to share about the night before and the day of Carol's death. I think it might help me to write about it.
Recently, a good friend from a long, long time ago has come back into my life. We knew each other about 22 years ago and were together until about 18 years ago. With the exception of see each other once 10 years ago, we haven't spent anytime together in 18 years. I was simply amazed at the change. This person has grown into a dynamic wonderful person. Kind and genuine. We spent Saturday night and Sunday together just talking and sharing with each other the things that have gone on in our lives over the time a part. It truly was a miracle and I will never take it for granted. It happened in a time in my life when I needed it. Thank you.
Work. Yep, back to work tomorrow. I'm nervous and concerned about what people will say to me for being gone so long. I needed it though. I needed the time to veg out or do something for a little bit. Go somewhere, not go somewhere. Look at the TV, computer or blank wall. Tomorrow all that changes. You see, it wasn't until a month after Carol died that I was faced with the question of who I am. I have a master's degree and am a Software Engineer. I am good at my job. But it's not who I am it's what I do. It wasn't until Carol died that I realized I was a "husband", a care giver then I was an employee. The loss I feel in my life relates to many things but one is the loss of who I am. I am no longer a husband and caregiver. The sad part is I really liked being a husband. Not so much the care giver but the husband part was good. So now I'm trying to figure out who I am now. I don't want to be another husband to someone, at lest not for a while. I'm afraid I'll rush into something that is blinded by my projected illusion of Carol. Only to later have the illusion vanish and me left standing looking at someone going "WTF?"
Going back to work is a part of a new chapter in my new life as a single person. My life will begin to be defined by my daily actions. A routine.
Wish me luck,
Kel
Karma Is Trying to Help
10 years ago
3 comments:
All I can say is, you are an amazing human being, Kelly. Your willingness to go deep and look for your truth - especially while grieving - is a testament to your great spirit.
Blessings in all that you do~think~are in this new life's journey,
Kim
Hi Kelly,
Hope your first day back at work was okay, not too bumpy.
Talking about being single when you so enjoyed being a husband: I think you're not quite single yet. You are what is called a "widower." That means you are still a husband with a new name until you find someone who makes you happy and makes you want to think about a new future. Then, you become a single guy again. This person is usually your "interim" person, meaning a person who you are with to get reacquainted with the world again and probably not someone you will find your future with. (Although, this does happen, too.) Then, when you least expect it, someone comes along and you know that you want that husband label again. You never know when this will happen, sometimes in months, sometimes in years, but it happens. We all wish you good, good luck on that.
Cousin Merle
How lucky you are to have such love and support from your family-in-law. They are a special group for sure. Hey, you know I've been without the "wife" label for many years now though my heart opened up once or twice along the way. Sometimes I can't imagine it staying open long enough to join with another's but God knows more about this journey than we do. You know? I'm so proud of your willingness to put one foot in front of the other and to let us all in along the way. Also, thanks for Monday night. It was quite a treat to see you. Hope your "week" at works ends well tomorrow. :)
Love ya,
Cambria
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