I'm coming up on the end of the 10th month. This Thursday will start the countdown for the final month before the one year anniversary of Carol's death. One year. Wow, it's hard to believe it's been this long. In one way it seems like just yesterday but in other ways it seems like years ago. Either way I no longer get paralyzed from the pain when I think about it.
I would like to plan to try and update my blog on a more regular basses as I come up to my one year. I want to share what I'm doing and how I am feeling as it gets closer. Afterwards, I'm not sure what to do. A part of me thinks that I should just let this go and move on. Let this blog die. Leave it as a record of what it was like for someone who loved as much as I loved to live through the first year. I want my life after the 15th of March to be more about me and my life ahead than living the the shadow of grief, loss and pain. I want to live with a smile. To have genuine joy in my life. I want to meet someone and hold their hand and feel good about it. I want to look at someone, smile and feel joy.
For some reason I feel that having a year behind me will allow me to do this. I have tired to move on recently but have been overwhelmed with guilt and fear. All very overwhelming and confusing. I recently had a moment of reflection about a friend I met after Carol died. I looked at him and realized he represents my future. He never knew Carol or me as a husband. He has only known me as Kelly. I look at him and I have found hope that I can go on and have a new life that is rich and full of new people who will not look at me with pity or sadness. Not that my friends do that but sometimes I project that even if they are not feeling that way.
I stop now so I will have more to write later. Take care everyone and thanks for being here for me through this difficult Journey.
Kel
Karma Is Trying to Help
11 years ago
3 comments:
You have almost made it through the first year and out the other side. Everything you posted sounds like you are ready to make the transition to a life filled with new posibilities and positive things. Old memories will never fade away, just bring comfort and a smile. The rest of your life is out there waiting for you to step into the light and live it. Make Carol proud.
Carrie
Hi Kelly,
I really think you're beginning to realize you must begin your life anew, and you're getting the desire and courage to do it. Way back at the beginning of your journey, I told you this feeling would come, although you wouldn't know if it would take a few months, a year or years.
As you said, your new friend doesn't know you from your past, and it feels kind of good to have someone who doesn't look at you with sad eyes, who looks at you as a "normal" person. You are seeking this "normal" life out more and more, it was just a matter of timing that you would. Your timing.
I'm thinking March 15 can't come soon enough, and maybe will set both of you free. You to seek a new life, and Carol to seek the light.
Cousin Merle
1 year almost...i still can't believe it....feels like it just happened. But Carol would be so proud of you...we all are. But i think that it is time for you to start towards your future. You have a past full of memories of carol...nothing can take those away from you. But now you need to move forward, "Live with a smile", live life to the fullest. Carol will always be with you. And one day you will be with her again...but untl then..LIVE! I love you Uncle Kelley and I miss you both so much. I can't wait for you to meet your great niece, Addison Carol. Every day i look at her i see Carol. I still feel that she had something to do with Addie coming 2 weeks early on Carol's favorite holiday...Christmas. I wish you the best and I can't wait to read about all new new adventure's you will be experiencing. xoxo Liz
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