Compton

Blogspot has a Google tool called Analytics. It’s what I use to see who is coming to visit and where they are from. It’s cool to see people from all over the world who have for some strange reason, found my little spot on the internet and have taken the time read what I have to say about surviving and living on after the death of a spouse.

Recently I have been noticing a odd visitor. Seems there is a strange person who works in Compton, Ca that comes to visit my site every day. Every day expect for the weekend. There is this cool trend that shows a visit Mon/Tue/Wed/Thur then nothing for Fri/Sat/Sun. Then repeats.

Whoever you are, I hope you find comfort in my words or in your visits. You can easily reach me via my email on my profile. I think you know this but have chosen to simply visit. I will honor your anonymity and simply say hi.

Kel

A Simple Goodbye

The pain came back yesterday. It felt like a balloon with spikes being inflated in my head. Like a 30lb hot rock was sitting in my gut. Like my heart was being torn to pieces. Every time I would think about it, I would start to cry and my eyes would start to hurt. What was the source of this pain? A Simple Goodbye.

I have a team member here at work. Technically, she works from me but I have always considered her an equal. I may have more experience at some things but we work as a team. She was having difficulty with an installation of a software product we were working on. I spent about 45min helping her out and showing how to trouble shoot the issue. When I was done I went up stairs and was told my old boss was on the phone. That was the day Carol died. Whenever I think back to where I was at the time Carol died, I will always have the memory of being with my team member.

She is leaving today. She got a well deserved promotion and is moving to the east coast. Yesterday was her going away luncheon. Every time I thought about going or about her leaving, the pain would hit and hit hard. I had to send an email saying I couldn’t go and then went home. Today I start to cry every time I think about her coming to my cube to say goodbye. I will do it though. She has been a friend and a trusted team member and I will genuinely miss her.

Goodbye M

Kel

today part 2

LOL!

I'm doing better today.

today

just wanted to say I'm not doing good today

I’m a Diver

I did it. I went down yesterday and bought all my diver gear for diving. I have a tune up class scheduled for Sat and then I start taking courses for Advanced Open Water diving. I bought two tanks so I won’t have to rent any when I decide to go dive. I am fully self contained for diving. I’m really looking forward to diving at night during the week and during the weekends. I’ll get to meet a lot of people who enjoy diving also.

I spent more than I thought I would spend but still half of what I was going to spend learning to fly. I still might learn to fly but want to just focus on one thing for now. Diving seems better for me because it is a social activity that has me around people. Flying is a solo activity at first then I can have one person join. But I still thought it best to be around more than one person. When I was getting each item, I could hear Carol’s voice and big sigh as I would decide to get the best of something. She always thought I was a sucker for sales people. I am. The way I look at it is I’m getting a few things that are the best and won’t have to decide later that the low end just won’t do what I need then go and pay more for what I do need. I think I’m coming out ahead. Some of the things I got will last a very long time. That means I only had to pay once for something over 5 or 10 years.

I’ll let everyone know how I do on Saturday. I’ll see if I can ask them to take a picture of me and then I’ll put it up here.

Kel

Feeling Better…

…today. I’m grateful for yesterday. Sounds odd to say but I am. Day’s like yesterday help me to prioritize what I need in my life versus what I want. What I need in my life is to be grounded and centered again. Believe it or not buy my wants are helping me to get there. By following and getting my wants, I get an understanding that I don’t want what I’ve been wanting. Make any sense to anyone? I does to me. I start eliminating things that take up a lot of my time and start spending time on needs. What I need today is to be secure and safe as a whole person. I used to be that way before I met Carol and am starting to feel myself gravitating back to that center again. The closer I feel myself getting back the better I feel and the safer I feel.

I don’t know if any of this is making sense to anyone.

Tears

I’m sitting at work crying. Not the type of tears that comes with gut wrenching pain like I have become best friends with. No, these tears are different. It’s strange, I just sit here and my eyes seem to fill up and spill over, running down my face. I am sad, very sad. I have been asked recently by a few people if I’m happy. Some I lie to, others I tell the truth. The ones I lie to I say “yes”. I think that is what they want me to say. It makes it easy for them to hear I’m happy. The ones I tell the truth to is “no”. It’s been 200 days. I miss my wife so much it hurts. How can I be happy? When will I be happy? Why can’t I be happy? Why do I need to lie about being happy? I don’t want to be happy, I want to be with Carol again.