Back to work

Hey everyone. Sorry for the time gap in my posts. I've been busy with doing things and going places. I kept thinking about blogging but that's as far as it got, thinking. I have a few posts in draft but not ready to post them yet. I want to share about the night before and the day of Carol's death. I think it might help me to write about it.

Recently, a good friend from a long, long time ago has come back into my life. We knew each other about 22 years ago and were together until about 18 years ago. With the exception of see each other once 10 years ago, we haven't spent anytime together in 18 years. I was simply amazed at the change. This person has grown into a dynamic wonderful person. Kind and genuine. We spent Saturday night and Sunday together just talking and sharing with each other the things that have gone on in our lives over the time a part. It truly was a miracle and I will never take it for granted. It happened in a time in my life when I needed it. Thank you.

Work. Yep, back to work tomorrow. I'm nervous and concerned about what people will say to me for being gone so long. I needed it though. I needed the time to veg out or do something for a little bit. Go somewhere, not go somewhere. Look at the TV, computer or blank wall. Tomorrow all that changes. You see, it wasn't until a month after Carol died that I was faced with the question of who I am. I have a master's degree and am a Software Engineer. I am good at my job. But it's not who I am it's what I do. It wasn't until Carol died that I realized I was a "husband", a care giver then I was an employee. The loss I feel in my life relates to many things but one is the loss of who I am. I am no longer a husband and caregiver. The sad part is I really liked being a husband. Not so much the care giver but the husband part was good. So now I'm trying to figure out who I am now. I don't want to be another husband to someone, at lest not for a while. I'm afraid I'll rush into something that is blinded by my projected illusion of Carol. Only to later have the illusion vanish and me left standing looking at someone going "WTF?"

Going back to work is a part of a new chapter in my new life as a single person. My life will begin to be defined by my daily actions. A routine.

Wish me luck,
Kel

Ebb and Flow

I finding out that grief is a constant state of Ebb and Flow of various feelings and mental health. My feelings swing from happy to sad, to feeling a-part-of to loneliness. My mental health swings from reality to denial, from illusion to dis-illusion. There seems to be no predictable pattern to it to anticipate what will come next.

My main concern is not to create wreckage of the present by hurting others around me. I find myself looking for Carol in other people to the point of projection everything I want onto that person. I am grateful I can find the ability to dis-illusion myself enough to see what I am doing and try to prevent bad things from happening.

Denial is also very powerful. It wasn't until last Friday that I was able to take the book she was reading at night and her reading glasses off the night stand by the bed and put them in the dresser. I would look at them everyday. Somehow I kept thinking she is still coming home. She will want to finish her book and will need her glasses. I look around the house and I'm surrounded by things like that. I have kept her purse by the door where she always kept it because I want her to be able to find it. Her clothes are still in the closet and dressers. The shampoo and conditioner is still in the shower. Her medication is still in the frig. I could add to the list ad infinitum.

I finally put her purse in the office under her desk. That's progress right?

Dreams

The only time I've had a dream about Carol was a few days after she died. In my dream, I got up to walk down the hall way. She was standing there looking at me in a white nightgown. I looked at her and said "your not alive." She looked at me and started to cough up blood. She started to scream for air. I started to panic then realized I had the oxygen taken away. I desperately tried to tell her I thought she was dead and that they came and took the oxygen way and that I was sorry over and over. I woke up in a sweat. I went back to sleep and had another nightmare. Two in one night. The next day I said "I don't know how but I'm am done with that shit!" Until last night, I hadn't dreamed of her again that I could remember.

Last night, in my dream, we where in a car driving on the coast. Up ahead I saw a big wave crash over the road. We both went "wow". Then a wave hit our car and some how I came out of the car but she stayed in it. I ended up on a rock. The water was a dark milky color that made it so you couldn't see through it. I kept looking around and yelling Carol's name. Then I notice bubbles coming up from the water. I dove in and found the door handle and opened the door. I was holding my breath under water. I reached in and felt Carols hand grab my arm. I was shocked because she couldn't hold her breath longer than 5 seconds. Her seat belt was still on. As I tried to reach around and open it I felt her hand trying to do the same thing. Typical. Carol always insisted on doing everything herself. I kept trying to push her hand away so I could open the latch on the seat belt. But then I stopped. I realized that I was in a dream and that Carol was dead. Then I woke up.

I'm not into "what does all this mean" thing. I just wanted to write it down and share it with anyone who wants to read it.

Benefits

As I've said before, I got a letter for Kaiser telling me I've been declined coverage. This began a day on the phone with my Benefits Department at work. First I started with Kaiser. All they could tell me is my employer terminated my coverage on the 15 of March. They could tell me nothing more. Next I called my company's benefits department. I can't tell you how much I love voice recognition software for menu options! I jump with joy each time I get a computer and not a real person. I can look forward to repeated "I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. Please say again." over and over again. /sigh/ I finally reached a real person.

I started by telling them this was going to be very complicated. Figured it would be best to get them mentally ready for what was coming. After giving all the details, she said "Oh my..." It seems this is what happened. When I first called to notify benefits of the death of Carol I was giving the option to change my coverage. For some reason I decided to switch to Kaiser. I had always heard they are great if your healthy and never need to be treated. That's me! I think that they should give a two month window to make that change. I had now idea what I was doing at the time let along make a decision to change coverage on a moments notice on the phone. They made the effect date of the change the 15 of March. The day Carol died. That meant I started getting all the bills for the "event" showing not covered. I called again and asked about it. The changed it so that the bills would be covered. But what I didn't know until yesterday is they way they changed it to cover the bills is they canceled my coverage with Kaiser and put me back on BCBS. I happen to be seeing a Kaiser doctor while on disability and need to see him again on the 29 to return on the 30.

What they said the will do, and I hope they can, is put me back in Kaiser starting the 17 of March through the rest of the period. Then I can still have all my treatments that I've had up to now covered and I can still go back to the doctor on the 29 to return to work on the 30. All of the bill for Carol will be paid.

I worked out at the gym twice yesterday and again today at 5:30am. I have been having a string of good days in a row. Let's hope today stays the same.

May 15, 1984

Today is a new day. An opportunity to let go of yesterday and start fresh. To look at something in a new way. Let go of sorrow and pick up joy. A new day can be anything I want it to be right? So, just for today, I think I will be happy.

/gag/

Sorry, had to throw in some humor. Today I get to call Kaiser! I got a letter yesterday. "Your membership has been canceled because you are not eligible for enrollment... ...you are financially responsible..." Aren't insurance just a bundle of joy?

So just imagine what my day will be like today. On the bright side, I worked out again this morning. That should help.

When was that again?

My alarm went off at 4:35am today. I got up, walked around, got my gym cloths on, and showed up at 4:55am. Doors open at 5am. Went inside, started the treadmill and waited for Jack to show up. Doop de do. wait. Jack shows up at 4:45am. I'm thinking to myself, "was it 5 or 5:30?". So at 5:25 I walked down and saw Jack. He looked surprised and said did we have an appointment today? Opens his appointment book and shows I have a 5:30am on Wednesday. Crap. Then I notice I have an appointment on Friday at 5am. I'm going to San Diego for 5 days on Wednesday so I had to reschedule for Tues. After I left my mind was scrambled and I started going, "when was that again? Tuesday, no Wednesday? 5 or 5:30?" And I had just left 2 minutes ago.

Somethings are getting a little better. My great day lasted a day. But I'm grateful for having it. I still find myself thinking when I drive up to the house. I used to walk in the door and Carol would say in a loud excited voice "Honey's home!" and run to the door and give me a big hug. I still see her sitting on the chair by the sliding glass door reading a book or watching TV. But I also see her sitting there looking tired, oh so tired. Doing a breathing treatment.

Big sigh

Today I get to call CHOC. Seems I've been turned into collections for a bill. This happens all the time. Rather than try and resolve insurance issues, CHOC just sends the bill to collections and makes the collection company deal with it. Nice uh? Some good news though, Blue Cross paid Carol's ambulance bill in full so I don't have to fight with them. When I called to report Carol's death to my benefits department I was given chance to pick another Insurance plan. I was unprepared for this and pick Kaiser. Well, lucky me. They made the effective date the day Carol died so I got all the bills for her day as "not covered". Ambulance, emergency room, bla, bla bla "not covered". Great. I called and they switch the date to the 16 of March.

Well that's all for today.

Navykel

I decided to create my own blog rather than use Carol's. I want to keep her blog intact, the way she left it. I decided to call it "Kelly's Journey" because that's the way I see my life now that I am alone without Carol. I need a place to share what my process of healing and grieving is like day to day. How can someone who loved another person so deeply, continue to go on in life without them? How does someone deal with the suffocating loneliness? How does someone pick up all the pieces of life that the other one took care of? I'm finding all of these things difficult to deal with. But after two months, I think I'm starting to make progress.