Here it comes again

Depression. Here it comes again. I haven’t been exercising regularly like I have in the past. I’ve been having a hard time getting up on time even though I go to bed early. I haven’t been eating healthy. I don’t expect any sympathy from anyone. I’m not doing the things I need to do to take care of myself so I have no one to blame for this but myself. If I don’t diligently take care of myself during this period of time, then I can’t be surprised when this happens. When I have moments of time where I start to feel normal it’s easy to take a break from the things that are doing good for me. I always think that I’ll work out tomorrow or I’ll make dinner tomorrow or I’ll get up on time tomorrow. Today I’m just going to relax and take it easy. Except, there have been a lot of today’s in a row.

I guess its back to basics again. Take a look at what I’m doing in my life and make some changes, renew my commitments to doing the things I need to do and hope for the best.

Absences

I apologize for my absences as of late. I wanted to post something on the six month anniversary of Carol’s death but didn’t. The sign here at work is still counting the days from the day Carol died so I was well aware of day 180. I was a bit perplexed about that. Is six months 180 days, the calendar date, or the week day? So I got rapped up in the dilemma of the question and let it just go right on by.

I have been seeing someone to talk about my problems. It started about 2 months ago. He is a nice guy and helps me a lot. He says I have PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When he said that I laughed out loud! He asked why I was laughing. I said the last 18 months has been PTSD. Then here was a long pause….

This presents a problem I’m having, Intimacy. Or being to open and imitate with people. It comes from having spent 10 years with someone who was my best friend. Someone I could talk to about anything and everything. When I meet people I just open up and start letting things flow. I’m quickly learning this is not appropriate. It’s difficult for me to be isolated and private towards people. I’m used to being open and honest about anything. But that is not how things are and I have to learn to adapt to the situation.

I’m questioning my use of this blog. Originally, I wanted to be open and frank about what I’m going through. Hold nothing back. I can’t tell you how free it feels to put things out there. But now I’m keeping things back and not sharing about what is going on. Is that right? Do I loose the appeal that this blog has by withdrawing and withholding? Should I be open and tell what’s going on even if some people my not like what I have to say? Or approve of how I am dealing with my loss?

I don’t know anymore. I’m feeling like I’m a lone survivor on a life boat who’s ship as just sank at sea. I’m alone and waiting. Waiting for rescue that I know is coming. But knowing it is coming doesn’t make it happen faster. All I can do is wait…

Hope Part 2

Could it be true? Could it really happen? Or will I be crushed again with false hope?

Collection Consultants of California has come back into my life with the continued pursuit of putting a gun to my head and demanding money. Then yesterday I get another collection notice for another amount of money. Fed up, I called CHOC. I talked with someone and gave all the details about how the CCC has the worst rating from the BBB. He put me on hold and finally came back. He told me that they are going to notify CCC and cancel all accounts currently active. They (CHOC) had made several mistakes on how they bill the insurance, drug study, and the government. They will resolve the insurance and drug study bills and turn the government ones over to another company that does not contact the patient or turn them into collections. After I hung up the phone I started to cry.

Could it be true? Could it really happen? Or will I be crushed again with false hope?

Future Tripping

In curtain circles I run in we have an expression, “Future Tripping”. It means we start to Trip out on our fears of what the Future might bring. We look at where we are today and what we are doing and jump to the future and start to freak out.

I guess I’ve been doing that lately. It’s hard not to do that. The place I am at today is filled with indecision and waiting. Indecision about what I should do with my life and waiting for my grief to take me to a place where I’m healthy enough to make a decision.

With that said, I’ll share a bit on what its been like recently. First, August was very good to me. With the exception of my little excursion, it has been pain free. No major gut wrenching pain. So I want to thank August for being so kind to me and tell September I expect more of the same.

Next is what I feel like today. It’s strange. I feel sad but I don’t cry. I can sit in my chair at home watch TV and actually laugh out load at funny shows. All by myself. When I think of Carol I don’t spiral into pain or sorrow. I go to memories that are pleasant to think about. I don’t sit and imagine her dying like I used to.

Finally, I guess I’m just doing ok. I am doing better at work than ever before. Better than before Carol died. My days go by fast. My nights are spent having fun with great friends. My weekends have been spent in my house because it’s been like 180 frigin degrees outside. But I still enjoyed being home. This weekend I plan to ride my bike all weekend. I’d like to ride to the beach.

That’s all for now. I want to thank everyone who keeps coming here and checking on me. Sorry I’ve not been very active lately. I’ll try to write more this month. It helps me to stay in the present and not spend too much time Future Tripping.