I wanted to post yesterday but ended up having a bad day. See, yesterday was 90 days ago Carol died while I was at work. The day before was hard. I was supposed to go to a meeting Wednesday night. But it was the same meeting I was at 90 days ago. I kept having flash backs of being there late, going home, and getting ready for bed. Carol and I did not have much time to talk. That would be the last time I got to talk to her.
Yesterday was very hard. I went to work and after about 20 minutes I felt a wave of grief hit me. I started to think I wasn't going to make through 9 hours of work. So I posted an email that I was going to be out for the day. I went out to my car and sat there crying for about 5 min before I could drive away. I came home and kept myself busy cleaning. Every time I would stop or rest I would start crying. A friend came over and spent some time talking. After awhile I felt better and got through the rest of the day.
I thought I was past this. I hadn't felt the pain like this in a long time and thought I was through it. But I guess not. I'm fine today. I'm going to stay in San Diego for the weekend and see some old friends. I have a room overlooking the San Diego Bay. I'm looking forward to sitting there and just taking a few minutes to relax. I'm taking a friend with me. It's a shame really. My friend happens to be a female. I have become friends with her because she seems to be the one that I can openly share my feelings and thoughts with. I look at my male friends and I don't see the open genuine empathy in their character. So I have grown close to her and not in a "relationship" way but as a friend. Some of our friends have given her a hard time have had said some very nasty things behind her back about our friendship. Going to San Diego has made it even worse. I get through it by telling myself that what other people think about me and my friend is none of my business. It helps a little.
Yesterday I talked to my son for the first time in almost 10 years. It was a good conversation that was kind of awkward at first but began to loosen up towards the end. I will be going up to Washington State at the end of the month to visit with him and his mother. After talking with him, I'm looking forward to it.
That's all for now, sorry for the late post.
Karma Is Trying to Help
10 years ago
3 comments:
Hi Kelly,
Here's something I just read in the AARP magazine, written by Larkin Warren: - I think it may resonate with you. ~Kim
How to Grieve
"After the first death, there is no other," wrote dylan Thomas. That doesn't mean the ones that come after won't break your heart, but it's the first that punches your soul's passport. Welcome, fellow human, to a different country than the one you woke up to this morning. The air's different here; so is the scenery. Your knees don't work so well; in fact, you may want to fall to them.
For a precious little while, you are allowed to be stunned into silence, or to shriek, or to talk - recounting stories of who he was, what she meant to you, and how it all came to an end. Tell those stories. Some people may try to enforce "The Rules," to wit: Enough of This Drama Is Enough. Ignore them. Besides, if you treat yourself gently and take the time you need, someday soon you'll hear the faint but steady voice of your own good sense. Play music you love, sit in the sunshine if you can find some, and if anyone offers you a hand, hold it. Let them feed the cat, too, because they want to be useful. If your good sense does not kick in on its own, help it along: scramble some eggs. It will feel strange at first. But if you pretend that scrambling eggs is normal, eventually it will become normal. Soon you can squeeze some orange juice, too.
For some of us the stay in this new country seems endless. But time passes, seasons change, and, truly, would those we grieve for want us to mope? Come with me, back into the world. We'll return to this land someday, all too soon, but in the meantime the garden needs weeding, the bills need paying. Your other loved ones need you. And you, my sweet friend, you could use a shampoo."
(Aside from Kim: I doubt you need a shampoo! :o)
Hi Kelly,
Sorry I missed your call the other day. Sounds like you had a bad day right after your call. I'm glad a good day followed.
I'm happy you have found a friend to listen to your thoughts and feelings about your grieving for Carol. It must help you so much to be able to express what you're going through to someone who understands and cares.
I'm also happy to hear you've been in touch with your son and are going to be seeing him. I hope you're able to renew that relationship. That would be wonderful.
Cousin Merle
Hey there Kelly. San Diego sounds fun. Ya know there is too much pressure now a days on a friend having to be the same sex as you. I agreee with your comment, it doesn't matter what other people think. Only you know what you need to be happy. Let us all know how your trip went. By the way, Washington is not too far from my sister and I....uh hum!! I would be nice to see you if you have extra time.
~Kris is Oregon
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