4 Years.
The War Still Goes On...
4 Years.
It has been 4 years since the horrible tragic day. 11:25am I got a call from my old boss saying the Upland PD is trying to reach me, Carol had been taken to the hospital. 1.5 hours later I would be placing my lips on the forehead of her lifeless body for the last time in a dimly lit room located in the far corner of the ER. It took an hour for them to clean the blood from her body to prevent my last image of her being more tragic that it was.
4 Years.
I'm sitting on a balcony in Waikiki with a view of the beach and the sun is setting. I have a good job, a great boss, a great team of people I work with. I have good health. I have great friends. But underneath, the war still goes on.
4 Years.
A war is underway. A war similar to the trench warfare of WWI. A stalemate exists between the to sides. Neither can take the advantage. Between each side is a body of real estate that is called No Man's Land. In the bottom of a bomb crater is my home. This is where I live. In shock, I cower and shiver in fear. I can not advance nor retreat.
4 Years
On one side is the part of me that fights to hang on to her memory. To remember each and every day what I had, what we had. On the other side is the part of me that is desperate to let go and move on with my life. As I try to let go and move on the side that wants to hang on sends out a huge artillery barrage paralyzing the advance in it place. As I sit alone each day thinking of her, dreaming of her, the other sides blows a whistle and a sea of men come up over the edge and charge the line only to be cut down in a wind of lead bullets from automatic gun fire.
4 Years.
When will it end? How will it end? Will it be a dramatic ending with a final act of courage? Or a simple transition the way day turns into night? Will I find peace? Will I be able to love again?
4 Years.
...The War Still Goes On
6 comments:
"When we think of those companions who traveled by our side down life's road, let us not say with sadness that they left us behind, but rather say with gratitude that they once were with us."
I've always liked this little message by an anonymous author. Hope you do, too, Kelly.
Merle
Just found your blog and felt compelled to let you know you'd had a visitor. Good luck
I stumbled across your blog from stumbling across Carol's blog. I know what it's like to painfully mourn and grieve endlessly; How it all sucks the life out of you, and how eternal the feelings and the days can seem. You don't have to let go of her and her memory, by all means, carry her with you where ever you go, for as long as you live... And take it one day at a time, not 4 years at a time. It's ok to move on because whether you do or you don't, She will always be a part of you, and she will always be with you. Be strong.
Just heard you had remarried in November. Glad to hear it. Congratulations.
Merle
Its been 4 years and time will pass but your spirit is still alive and getting stronger.
Hey there. I was just thinking about Carol the other day. (I'm just a friend with CF that talked to her on a message board) She was such a nice person. I was so sad to hear of her passing and my heart has gone out to you. I've checked in on you over the years and honestly wasn't sure if your blog was even still around. It sounds like there is still some grief and struggle. BIG HUGS! Carol would have wanted you happy happy happy and moving on . I know....easier said than done. Take care of yourself and know people are out here thinkin about you and praying for you. ~Missy
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