Las Vegas Part 4

Going to Vegas this weekend. Staying at the Bellagio again. Doing the spa thing again and this time seeing a show.

...oh, and I'm bringing along a new friend..... ( I can hear all five of you groaning!!!)

Kel

43 + 2 Days

Well, I'm 2 days into my 43rd birthday. I just wanted to write a quick post to let everyone I got through it ok. I spent the day with someone real nice. Saturday I hung out with friends. I have more I want to share but I'm kinda tired right now. Maybe later...

Kel

43

I'm 43 today. I cried on my way to work. I miss Carol.

and Just Like That...

Friends of mine have been encouraging me to install an alarm system for the house. I travel a lot and it would be a good idea to have one. I was lucky to have one in the house already. The sales guy came out and looked at everything and told me it would be easy to swap out all the gear for their own. I set up a time for them to come out.

As some of you know one of the last places/things that I've been holding on to is Carol's coats. She 'loved' her coats. She loved it when it was cold outside and she would bundle up in one of her fav coats and beam this big bright smile. Every once and awhile I would open up the closet and see them in there and think I need to take them to goodwill or something. But then I would close it and think I'll do it another time.

So the tech came out to install the alarm system. The main box just happens to be in the front closet. He came in talked a little bit, looked around, opened the closet door and Just Like That grabbed all of Carol's coats and took them out. My first reactions was like, "WTF!?" My heart skipped a beat. I stood there looking at them on the sofa arm rest. Then, Just Like That, I thought "It's time" and started going through all the pockets and making a pile.

After everything was done, I took all the coats to Goodwill. No crying, no cathartic or sad emotions. Later I was eating at Nancys. I was going through my contacts in my phone when I came across Carol's cell number. I would see it from time to time but could never bring myself to delete it. Sitting there, Just Like That... I pushed "Options, Erase, Yes" and it was done.

Where do we go from here?

Now that I have put the breaks on the whole dating thing I have time to pause and look at my life. Where I'm at now and where I would like to go. Kinda heavy and deep sorry. One thing that bothers me more than anything is a lack of a pattern in my life. I mean I still haven't figured out this being alone thing. Each day is random and unpredictable. I may do this or I may do that or I may, bla bla bla.

With Carol, she always had a pattern in her life. Even when she was sick she still did things according to the day that she planed on doing it. This day is for vacuuming, this day is dusting, this day is cat box, this day is clean the bathroom etc etc.

I'm looking at my life and what I do from day to day and there is no structure to it. Of course it doesn't help that I travel a lot and I have friends that call up and say lets go eat sushi. I do, though have a bit of a routine now that I think about it: Monday night I go see friends, Tue night I go see friends, Fri, Sat I go hang out with friends or they come hang out with me. That leaves Wed/Thur(or tur as is was seen on a suhi banner the other day) and Sunday to try and find some kind of regular house keeping, projects, TV watch or others things.

Believe it or not, I "still" haven't played computer games that much. I'm starting to get a bit concerned. Computer games has always been a big part of my life even before I met Carol. Since her loss I still haven't had the feeling to play or play the way I used to play. That would suck if I lost that completely. (Of course I can hear Carol saying that would be a good thing!)

I wrote mostly about the short term things in life. I still wonder about the long term things. Do I still live here, should I move, should I get a new job. I think about those things a lot. But I'm very happy with where I love and my job.

So for now, I stay.