Strippers Rock!

I imagine all 5 of the people who read this blog once a week or so are wondering what the hell happened to me? I was blogging along and then silence. A little blip about a movie review and nothing more.

It seems that I have come to some realizations that I was not willing or ready to admit to myself. As everyone (all 5 of you) have read, I have been trying to heal and move on with life after the loss of Carol. At first I was like “I’m F’n going to do this damn it!” then in time it became, “Hey, I would really like to go out with someone.”

So off I go to e-h and go on some dates. All of which I liked and had no horror stories to tell. No ducking out after excusing myself to the bathroom and calling to tell her I don’t think it will work out…. No, all were great experiences.

But something happened while I was in Lompoc for work. I was setting up all the times and locations for dates coming up. Then I had a dream. Carol was in it. When I woke up I had this overwhelming feeling that she was trying to tell me it’s not time yet.

I remember thinking, “WTF!?” It’s just a dumb dream. A part of my subconscious trying to tell me I’m still bla bla bla… It means nothing, just a dream. But as much as I tried to forget about it and move on, it still was with me. Kinda sucks to go on a date with the haunting image of your dead wife telling you it’s not time yet. That’s what’s called a Grade A BuzzKill.

So I continued on but just before this weekend I knew what I needed to do. I needed to let the women know about what is going on and what my intentions are. Man I hate that. How do you tell someone who is a great person that you are not ready yet and that it has nothing to do with them, times more than one person? I’ve wanted so desperately to blog about what I’m doing and how I’m feeling but was afraid to put it out there.

I finally broke down and sent out my emails today saying I’m not ready. The cool part is, I’m not. I finally get it now. It takes a lot of time and energy to invest in building a relationship with someone else. I’ve come to understand that I need to continue to heal from the loss of Carol. Until I’m healed, I’m of no value to anyone.

Which brings me to my final comment: Strippers Rock!

Mamma Mia!

Here is a great review of Mamma Mia!

One Week Later

What a week a difference makes in peoples lives. I know a week has made a big difference in my life. Last week I was all sad that I have been repeatedly rejected and was going to be all alone for the rest of my life.

This week I don't feel the same way. That's all I can say for now!

Kel

Must Have/Can't Stand

I'm off to Palm Springs for a few days. I'm going as the third wheel with a couple. My own room of course... It is expected to be around 115 degrees there this weekend. I might get a spa treatment.

The rejections on eHarmony still continue to come but I'm becoming acclimated to them. I have matches that I'm not interested in but don't have the heart to reject or "Close" as they say. I'm not sure how long they stay on there before dropping off. I sent my list of "Must Have/Can't Stand" to the one person I'm been going through the "Guided Communication" with. I'm not sure I like that part though. When I read my "Can't Stands", and the way they word what I say, it makes me sound kinda like a dick.

"I can't stand it when...."
"I can't stand someone who...."

I don't use that language to begin with. I am normally a very tolerant person. If I'm not comfortable with something about someone I try not to use words of absolutes. If it is too much, I simply stop hanging out with them. It's not my job to change others to make me feel better.

So we'll see if I get past this stage. I hope so.

Kel

tom, marc and keith

welcome home. you were not forgotten.

That Didn't Last Long

The Rejectathon ended today. I got accepted by someone to start the process of communication. Not sure if or when the rejection will come but at lest I got past the first part. I also got a request to "FastTrack" communicate with someone but I did the rejection this time. Man, do I feel like shit. So Day three is starting to look better and I'm starting to adjust to how things work. The key is to have thick skin and not take things personal. After all I've been through, I think I can learn this.

Kel

Rejectathon

I'm day two into my eHarmony Rejectathon. So far I've been rejected 5 times without so much as a hello. Just to make myself feel better, I rejected 7 of my own before they had a chance to reject me. I felt better. I think that eHarmony is nothing more than who gets the drop on who for the rejection. I don't think anyone actually makes an effort to communicate with anyone. I think it's all about who will be the first to reject the other. I think I've come late in the game. I think rejections used to happen a lot later during the communication stage. But now people don't want to risk being rejected first so they just do it right from the earliest opportunity.

Is this healthy for me?

Kel