Dreams Part 5

I had a dream last night about Carol. In the dream I was at the hospital cafeteria waiting to see her doctor. For some reason I had my Nook with me and lost it. After I found it I sat alone in the cafeteria. Sitting there, alone a feeling overwhelmed me all at once. It was the same feeling of pain that I felt the day Carol died. It is difficult to put into words. It’s more than hurt, more than crying. It’s like there is this large ball in your chest that is growing and is trying to burst out. It comes in waves, smaller at first and continues to grow in length and intensity. The pressure gets so intense it feels like my eyes are bulging and my ears are going to burst. I just want it out of my body but it won’t, or can’t leave.

I wake up. The side of my face is wet and my pillow is saturated from crying. Flipping the pillow over I got back to sleep. In my next dream I am telling someone about the dream I just had. As I do so, the pain rushes back into my body again and I repeat the process all over again. I wake up. Now I need a new pillow. Falling back asleep, I dream about telling someone my dream and do it all over again.

It has been a long time since I felt the pain of Carol’s death. I had forgotten the experience and the feeling. I remember thinking at the time I would never live without pain again. I believed the pain would never, could never, leave me. I also remember being afraid to let go of the pain because I would start to forget. With Carol gone the only feeing I had left to hang onto was the pain.

So what does this mean? I don’t know. What I do know is the pain was welcomed like an old friend. In a sad way it felt good. Real good. I hadn't felt the pain for so long that it was like an old friend had come to visit once again. Each time I woke up, I would remember how much my missed my old friend.