Lost my job

On Friday I was given notice that I no longer have a job. My last day of work is the 2 April.

a man walks alone

To the end of days a man walks alone.

Looking forward yields a vast view of obscure clarity of purpose.

His mind wanders aimlessly.

Sharp edges of the new day caress his soft skin till it is all gone exposing the bone for all to see and wonder at the site of his joyful efforts.

“I command!” he yells.

Nothing responds.

At the end of days, a man walks alone.

Things Change

What can I say: Things change. The rational mind knows this, anticipates this and even plans for it. But the emotional mind is like a cat on Crack in a small cardboard box. Up then down then up then sideways. Pause to take a breath, and then repeat.

Things change. I’m hanging in there with school. I’m amazed. My brain went into shutdown mode and it was hard to get it restarted. I’m getting through it and believe I’ll salvage this Term and be ready to start next Term.

I have my resume in the hands of 5 hiring managers. One is for a job in England. I’m excited about that. I have an interview in El Segundo on Monday. Not sure what for. I applied for one position but the seem to want to talk to me to see if I can fit another need. They didn’t talk about it and said more would be revealed on Monday. My only reservation is the commute to work. I live in Upland and it would be like driving to LAX and back every day. That takes about an hour more of my life away a day sitting in traffic. Leave at 5am and get home about 5 or 5:30 each day.

Darcy signed loan docs on Monday. Now it’s just a waiting game to get the keys. It would have been nice to get the keys today because she has 4 days off and it would have been perfect for moving in. But it didn’t happen so she will move out next weekend. Speaking of which, I will be gone next weekend hanging with friends in Bakersfield.

So to summarize, I’m still in school, still doing ok, finding a new job, and over all ok. The only exception is my feelings of grief are still here and still hard to handle some days.

Stuck

I’ve been here before. It took me awhile to remember the landmarks and get a sense of familiarity with it. For the last nine days I have been here. Wandering around lost and confused. Although it look vaguely familiar I was so caught up in the feelings of depression to not recognized it.

Last Monday I was told I would be losing my job and to begin to look for work. For some unknown reason I felt like I had been kicked in the gut again. Now don’t misunderstand me. I didn’t go cry in my pillow boohoo all night. No, what I did or am doing is much worse; giving up on things that are important in my life because I lost the will to have it.

I’ve been here before. No will or ambition or goals to keep me going. Just the day to day pathetic existence called living. I stopped doing school work. I stopped calling my friends. When I talk with my friends it’s with a strong sarcastic tone that makes it impossible to be around me for very long.

I keep thinking I need to do my school work. But I start to think about trying to figure out the benefits of Interpretive theory or Grounded theory as a qualitative research method. My mind goes into shut down mode with a big “So Fucking What” voice.

I’ve been walking around asking what is wrong with me. Then it hit me, I’ve been here before. I lived like this a long time after Carol died. Living day after day with a big “So Fucking What” sign hanging over my head. It sucks having to look for work. Sucks getting rejected. Sucks having an MBA and being rejected to manage a Fucking swing shift and McDonalds. (ok, that last one wasn’t true but I still get rejected for lead or manager positions within my company) I get rejected because I became complacent and comfortable doing what I do and have not broken free to take on something challenging.

So here I am, stuck. I’m losing my job. Darcy is moving out and I will be losing my relationship. I’m losing my will to continue with my education. Soon I will be right at the same spot I was almost three years ago.

I’ve been hear before.

Dreams Part 5

I had a dream last night about Carol. In the dream I was at the hospital cafeteria waiting to see her doctor. For some reason I had my Nook with me and lost it. After I found it I sat alone in the cafeteria. Sitting there, alone a feeling overwhelmed me all at once. It was the same feeling of pain that I felt the day Carol died. It is difficult to put into words. It’s more than hurt, more than crying. It’s like there is this large ball in your chest that is growing and is trying to burst out. It comes in waves, smaller at first and continues to grow in length and intensity. The pressure gets so intense it feels like my eyes are bulging and my ears are going to burst. I just want it out of my body but it won’t, or can’t leave.

I wake up. The side of my face is wet and my pillow is saturated from crying. Flipping the pillow over I got back to sleep. In my next dream I am telling someone about the dream I just had. As I do so, the pain rushes back into my body again and I repeat the process all over again. I wake up. Now I need a new pillow. Falling back asleep, I dream about telling someone my dream and do it all over again.

It has been a long time since I felt the pain of Carol’s death. I had forgotten the experience and the feeling. I remember thinking at the time I would never live without pain again. I believed the pain would never, could never, leave me. I also remember being afraid to let go of the pain because I would start to forget. With Carol gone the only feeing I had left to hang onto was the pain.

So what does this mean? I don’t know. What I do know is the pain was welcomed like an old friend. In a sad way it felt good. Real good. I hadn't felt the pain for so long that it was like an old friend had come to visit once again. Each time I woke up, I would remember how much my missed my old friend.

Christmas Part 1

Carol died in March of 2007. That holiday season was very hard. Carol loved Christmas and the holidays. She had a ton of decorations that are all in boxes over the garage. Each year I would take them down and she would pack stuff up around the house and put holiday stuff in it's place. Then afterwards, she would put it all back away and I would heave it back up in the rafters.

The year Carol died I couldn't bring myself to decorate. For one, I had no idea how to do it. She always did it. Her family always has a gathering on Christmas eve. It has been a long standing tradition for a very long time. I knew that I would be encouraged to attend. I didn't know if I would till a few hours before it was time to go. I ended up going and it was very difficult.

The next year I decided to go to vegas. I kinda liked it actually. There are very few people there during Christmas and the rates are very good. I almost thought about making this my new tradition but missed seeing everyone.

This year I felt ready to bring everything down from the rafters. I had shared with some friends that I was going to decorate this year and every time I saw them they would ask, "did you do it yet?" I finally got it all down and started going through everything. My god did she have a lot @#$%! OMG! I have no idea what half of it is supposed to be used for! So I gave up and just put up the tree. Carol liked the tree most of all.

The tree came up and I hung the ornaments all by my self. I had never done that before. It was kinda fun. Then I got all excited about wrapping presents. Before I knew it, the tree was full of presents.

The morning of Christmas came and within a few hours, the front room looked like a Christmas bomb had gone off! Through all of it I never felt sad.

So it is time to move on. Time to let go. Time to heal.

Good bye.

Anger Part 2

Anger is important to the grief process. The expression and feelings help heal the heart and soul. But it is also the most dangerous part of the grief process. Anger is like fire; it is important but very dangerous. Anger can be used to help heal but must be controlled during the healing process.

So it is with an angry heart that I write this. My anger wants to give details and lash out. It's good that I can feel it and express the feeling. Fire is used to clear brush away from a home. But if not watched carefully it can also burn down the house. I don't want to burn down my house.

People will say things because it is a nice things to say and it helps them feel better. Both the person saying it and the person hearing it. Words become meaning when put to a test. It is during the test that the persons meaning is shown to be true or just empty getures. Rather than hurt the person and tell the truth they lie until it is put to the test. In the end, it still hurts. That is not to say the person doesn't still care or love the other person. It just means they didn't want to hurt that person at that moment. Or it was a simple easy thing to say and never ever thought it would ever be put to the test.

What was said to me was put to the test.

I am not family.