Dreams Part 5

I had a dream last night about Carol. In the dream I was at the hospital cafeteria waiting to see her doctor. For some reason I had my Nook with me and lost it. After I found it I sat alone in the cafeteria. Sitting there, alone a feeling overwhelmed me all at once. It was the same feeling of pain that I felt the day Carol died. It is difficult to put into words. It’s more than hurt, more than crying. It’s like there is this large ball in your chest that is growing and is trying to burst out. It comes in waves, smaller at first and continues to grow in length and intensity. The pressure gets so intense it feels like my eyes are bulging and my ears are going to burst. I just want it out of my body but it won’t, or can’t leave.

I wake up. The side of my face is wet and my pillow is saturated from crying. Flipping the pillow over I got back to sleep. In my next dream I am telling someone about the dream I just had. As I do so, the pain rushes back into my body again and I repeat the process all over again. I wake up. Now I need a new pillow. Falling back asleep, I dream about telling someone my dream and do it all over again.

It has been a long time since I felt the pain of Carol’s death. I had forgotten the experience and the feeling. I remember thinking at the time I would never live without pain again. I believed the pain would never, could never, leave me. I also remember being afraid to let go of the pain because I would start to forget. With Carol gone the only feeing I had left to hang onto was the pain.

So what does this mean? I don’t know. What I do know is the pain was welcomed like an old friend. In a sad way it felt good. Real good. I hadn't felt the pain for so long that it was like an old friend had come to visit once again. Each time I woke up, I would remember how much my missed my old friend.

Christmas Part 1

Carol died in March of 2007. That holiday season was very hard. Carol loved Christmas and the holidays. She had a ton of decorations that are all in boxes over the garage. Each year I would take them down and she would pack stuff up around the house and put holiday stuff in it's place. Then afterwards, she would put it all back away and I would heave it back up in the rafters.

The year Carol died I couldn't bring myself to decorate. For one, I had no idea how to do it. She always did it. Her family always has a gathering on Christmas eve. It has been a long standing tradition for a very long time. I knew that I would be encouraged to attend. I didn't know if I would till a few hours before it was time to go. I ended up going and it was very difficult.

The next year I decided to go to vegas. I kinda liked it actually. There are very few people there during Christmas and the rates are very good. I almost thought about making this my new tradition but missed seeing everyone.

This year I felt ready to bring everything down from the rafters. I had shared with some friends that I was going to decorate this year and every time I saw them they would ask, "did you do it yet?" I finally got it all down and started going through everything. My god did she have a lot @#$%! OMG! I have no idea what half of it is supposed to be used for! So I gave up and just put up the tree. Carol liked the tree most of all.

The tree came up and I hung the ornaments all by my self. I had never done that before. It was kinda fun. Then I got all excited about wrapping presents. Before I knew it, the tree was full of presents.

The morning of Christmas came and within a few hours, the front room looked like a Christmas bomb had gone off! Through all of it I never felt sad.

So it is time to move on. Time to let go. Time to heal.

Good bye.

Anger Part 2

Anger is important to the grief process. The expression and feelings help heal the heart and soul. But it is also the most dangerous part of the grief process. Anger is like fire; it is important but very dangerous. Anger can be used to help heal but must be controlled during the healing process.

So it is with an angry heart that I write this. My anger wants to give details and lash out. It's good that I can feel it and express the feeling. Fire is used to clear brush away from a home. But if not watched carefully it can also burn down the house. I don't want to burn down my house.

People will say things because it is a nice things to say and it helps them feel better. Both the person saying it and the person hearing it. Words become meaning when put to a test. It is during the test that the persons meaning is shown to be true or just empty getures. Rather than hurt the person and tell the truth they lie until it is put to the test. In the end, it still hurts. That is not to say the person doesn't still care or love the other person. It just means they didn't want to hurt that person at that moment. Or it was a simple easy thing to say and never ever thought it would ever be put to the test.

What was said to me was put to the test.

I am not family.

Workshop Sat at 9am (TIME UPDATE)

For anyone interested I have been asked to do a workshop on being a caregiver. It is at 9am Sat local to the area I live. If your interested and want to attend, send me an email and I'll give you more details.

Happy Thanks Giving everyone. I am grateful for the love and support of all my friends and family. It's taken almost three years to say that and mean it. Time truly takes time...

Kel

Changes

I've decided to continue to blog. However, my blog content is going to start to change be less interesting for some of you. My life is different today than it was 5, 3, or 2 years ago. Grief has become less of an issue in life today than it was a year or 2 years ago. Even though grief is less of an issue I still miss blogging my thoughts, relationships with friends and what I'm doing.

I'm going to make some changes to the blog layout. Change the main header and some of the description content. I will start to make the transition from a survivor of grief to a normal everyday guy who is in a 'on again - off again - on again' relationship, working, and going to school. I'm not sure what would be inviting to people to come and read. Sounds sort of dull to me but writing is still a therapeutic experience for me. A part of me missed writing how I've been healing and progressing but my life has changed so much that it has become more about living than surviving.

The orginal purpose of my blog has changed. I thought about creating another blog but decided to keep this one and hope that the people who read it will forgive the transition from a grief survivor to an everyday normal kind of guy.

Kel

"It's Complicated"

On Facebook (Which I'm on BTW http://www.facebook.com/navykel) there is an option for relationships. I'm tempted to put "It's Complicated" there....

Darcy moved back in and is in the process of looking to buy a house. You would think in times like theses that buying a home would be at a premium. But actually it's not. The only options for homes under $250k are ones that are owned buy the banks. The conditions are deplorable. Every home she has looked at is going to require at lest 10 - 30 thousand to repair. So in the mean time, we are back together while she looks for a home to buy. It's complicated....

Single Again Part 2

Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again expecting different results....