Post Holiday Part 1

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone. It seems for some strange reason, it turns out that I'm feeling a lot of pain today. I have started to hear her voice again or see her around the house. When I do it feels like a half inch steal spike with the point cut off is put up against my chest. Someone takes a 5 pound sledge and hammers it into my chest. The pain is so great it takes my breath away for a moment. I have to pause to catch my breath and thoughts. I thought I was done with the physical pain. Guess not.

Brandi got out of the hospital on Wednesday before Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving at 6am, her father died.

I went to Anaheim to hang out with friends for the weekend. It was ok. Lots of people and all. I started getting sick on Saturday. The kind of sick where the back of your throat hurts and it moves up and down taking the pain with it. I had to go to bed around 9 or 10pm on Saturday night. Didn't sleep at all and finally got all my stuff and went home around 7am. Had a hard day and night. Got up still feeling like shit, called into work to tell them I wasn't going to make it and then started feeling better. Oh well.

For the most part, I got through Thanksgiving ok. I just wasn't ready for the Post Holiday pain. Odd...

Hospitals and Death

Brandi is in the hospital. A friend of mine died Friday night driving home on his Harley Davidson. It’s difficult to feel good about some of the things going on in my life while there is so much tragedy.

I played my first 18 holes of golf on Saturday. I played with a good friend from the job I used to have and will be returning to in December. I played the week before with the same person but we played 9 holes. This time we decided to try 18. For the most part, I suck. So does the person I played with. So we don’t have a problem with how bad we are. On Sat we had to play with another couple. They where good at driving the ball but sucked at the short game and putting. I had a few good drives as well as a few good long putts. Physically, I seem to be doing well through all of this. Only a little sore on Sunday.

Brandi has pneumonia. It was weird going into San Antonio again. She is on the third floor. The same floor Carol was on when she was in ICU. She is in a room I walked by every time I came and went from the hospital. Brandi is not doing well.

John was a friend of mine. We hung out on Friday night. I gave him a hug just before he got on his bike. An hour later I got a call some one tired to do a U-turn and hit him head on. He was DOA at the hospital.

This week is all about getting to Thursday. I might go diving on Thursday. Then I’m staying at a hotel in Anaheim till Sunday. On Thursday I plan to have a grilled cheese sandwich.

Anniversary

Today would have been our 10 year wedding anniversary but instead, it's been 8 months today.

Change Part 1

It's official. I'm going back to my old program I was on before I came to Azusa. I know, I know some of you remember some of Carol's posts about how awful it was. But the main source of the pain has moved on.

By chance, an opening became available. It is a position that requires travel 9 months out of the year. I will get to be present during testing of things that are very exciting.

At first, it looked like I would have to move to Huntsville, AL. But they where successful at getting me to stay local here in California. That might change over time but for now, I get to stay here.

Just wanted to let everyone know.

Stay at Home

Well, looks like I’m just going to stay at home this year. I don’t want to spend over $4,000 to go somewhere for 7 days. I looked at Moscow and found that the flight is very cheap but the rooms are expensive. Plus I’d have to deal with work about going there. So then I thought about a dive trip but didn’t want to go alone. So then I thought about skiing and can’t find a room under $290 a night for 6 or 7 nights. Plus lift ticket plus air fare, plus, plus….

So I’ll just hunker down here for now. I might look at doing some things around the house.

/sadface/

Kel

Help

I have a problem. See, there is this ‘thing’ that happens towards the end of December. It’s a big event and lots of festive feelings are abound. I would prefer not to participate. A good friend has recommended going on travel during this time. Especially the first one. The problem is I don’t know what to do. Should I travel overseas? Should I travel local? Should I go on a Dive trip or a Ski trip? The problem with a dive trip is I will be by myself. I would be asking to join other people who probably don’t want to share their expensive vacation with a pathetic grieving man. If I go on a ski trip, then again, I’m alone. If I stay home, well, that may not be good either.

Oh, and by the way: I am not participating in the holidays at all this year. People have felt that they should invite me over for ‘this’ or ‘that’. I just wanted to let everyone know that I’ve decided to not participate at all in any of the holidays this year. So for all of you who are, I wish you the best.

Anger Part 1

I was looking through my posts and noticed I haven’t posted about anger. I know I’ve shared about situations I’ve been angry about but not “anger”.

Last night I got angry. I mean really angry. Yelling, cussing, and venting on the phone angry. I won’t go into details but it was an innocent situation that was easily misunderstood. I just saw what I saw and my anger just exploded. I said things to people about people that just wasn’t right. Well… some of it….

I’m grateful I have friends that simply listen and don’t react to my feelings. They just let me get it out of my system. They know I’m not really like that. They know I’m going to go through this type of situation and my feelings are going to be all over the place. They where able take my call, listen to me scream and cuss and say it’s ok, they love me anyway.

I miss carol…