Saturday, July 7, 2007

Pain

Let me go on record as saying that 'Pain' is not good. In fact is sucks. I don't like it much and would like to avoid it as much possible. However sometime it just sort of happens. It happened to me last night or early this morning. No reason or explanation of how or why, it just happened. The kind of pain the sends needles throughout every nerve ending. The kind that makes the stomach want to empty it's contents and because there is none, sends a continuous message of 'don't put anything in here'. The kind of pain that feels like someone is constantly punching you in the gut.

I came home at 4am from Palm Springs. Woke up at 9am and went to see friends at 10am. The pain is still here.

I hate this...

Friday, July 6, 2007

Headstone Part 1

Hey everyone. Just wanted to let everyone know I went down today and ordered the Headstone for Carol. Sounds terrible that it took this long. But I did it today. I will get the template in the mail in 10 days and then return it. The whole process should take about 6 - 8 weeks.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Cousin Merle

Cousin Merle is a cousin to Carol. Carol loved Merle very much and made sure she could spend as much time with her as she could. Merle was a constant pillar of strength and support for Carol. Merle never looked the other way when things got hard. She always stood strong through the hard times and laughed during the good ones.



Since Carol's death Cousin Merle has continued to show me the same dedication and support she gave Carol. Merle has been the one true source of encouragement and strength though my difficult times. I love you Merle, I don't think I would have been able to make it through this without your love and support.



Cousin Merle gave me a Poem and I would like to post it. I'll quote the author and hope I don't get turned into the DCMA police this time:



Miss you, miss you, miss you;
Everything I do
Echoes with the laughter
And the voice of You.

You're on every corner
Every turn and twist,
Every old familiar spot
Whispers how you're missed.

Miss you, miss you, miss you!
Everywhere I go
There are poignant memories
Dancing in a row.
Silhouette and shadow
Of your form and face
Substance and reality
Everywhere displace.

Oh, I miss you, miss you!
God! I miss you, Girl!
There's a strange silence'
Mid the busy whirl
Just as tho' the ordinary
Daily things I do
Wait with me, expectant
For a word from You.

Miss you, miss you, miss you!
Nothing now seem true
Only that 'twas heaven
Just to be with You.


--by David Cory

Memories and Stuff

I really wanted to say “Memories and Shit” but thought that might be too offensive for some people.

The fourth of July. Yep, it was yesterday, all day… I was invited to two parties but didn’t go to either. I had a friend call that is in crisis and needed to hang out with someone for awhile. Afterwards I came home and watched TV. I heard the fireworks. Carol loved fireworks. Our house has a great view of the Upland Fireworks. Every year we would go out and watch. People who lived around us would come over and chat as we watched. This year I went outside and stood. No one came out. I stood alone for awhile and went back inside.

Stuff. What to do with the stuff? Carol’s coats are still in the closet. The vacuum is in the closet so every time I vacuum the house I open the closet and see her coats. Every coat has a memory. Not just an “Oh that’s Carol’s Coat” memory but I see her in it and hear her voice. One in particular is her favorite. It’s gray with a hood and very cozy. Carol loved that coat. She would look forward to it getting cold just so she could wear it. I bought her that coat for our first Xmas together. How can I give that away to Goodwill or some organization? Each one is like that.

Coin collection. Carol had started the Quarter collection when they started making them with each State on the back. She would love it when I would come home with a ton of change and look for the ones she didn’t have. Do I finish it?

Every Stuff has a memory. How does one throw away Stuff with Memories?

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Red Moon Over Seattle

On the flight returning from Seattle I saw the most amazing thing. The Moon was blood red as it came up over the horizon. I was struck by the beauty of it. I felt like it was a ‘Thank You’ from god. Thank you for being true to your feelings and having the courage to continue living.

“Throw me in the shallow water before I get to deep?”

So I went to Bremerton. I left Thursday. The flight was supposed to leave at 5:30 but didn’t leave until 7ish. So it was a long wait. When we got to the airport and got our luggage I looked at the car rental lines. Every rental line was open except for one. And that one had a long line. Yep, god is going to be having lots of fun with me this weekend. So I stood in line and waited. Brandi went outside to have a smoke and made best friends with Brian. Brian is from Portland and only gets a 10 min break every 10 hours. We got the car and off we went to Bremerton via the Narrow’s Bridge.

We arrived at Bremerton around 9:30 and got to see my ex just as they finished the game. Both she and her partner were wet from being out in the rain. So it turns out it was good that we where late or we would have been soaking wet from the rain. We all had dinner got through the “who are you?” kind of talk between the ones who did not know each other.

The rest of the trip was great. I got to see some old friends Friday night. Saturday we all went over to Seattle and paid respects to the Holy Land by buying a cup of coffee at the original Starbucks at Pike’s Market. Then walked to where my son works and had pizza. After we retuned to Bremerton we went to my ex’s house on Sat and watched The Breakfast Club. We drove her daughter crazy with saying the lines to the movie. On Sunday Brandi and I went back to Seattle on the ferry and went all through Pike’s. We ended the day by having lunch at Kell’s and Irish pub.

The flight back was spent between reflecting on the events over the weekend and what the future holds for me. I have been doing better. I have long moments of peace. The guilt of being at peace is getting less and less.

This weekend is the last leg of the month long weekend events. I’m going to Palm Springs to hang out with friends. I’ll post more before then.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

www.grief.net

I wanted to share my email experience with the Grief Recovery Institute:

My Email

To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Kelly S. and I was confirmed to attend the Grief Recovery Workshop starting on the 22 July 2007. To be sure I arrived early I left my home at 5:30am to drive from Upland to the 405. This drive should take at minimum 2 hours. I was surprised that it only took me 45 minutes.
I then arrived at the location and parked across the street. I’m not sure how to continue saying what I’m about to say without upsetting you. But here it goes. I was expecting something different. I was not expecting a location that looks like a run down Traffic School. Having a Palm Reader next door was very disturbing. If it looked that bad on the out side I kept asking myself what it looked like on the inside. I kept thinking to myself over and over again that I would be trapped inside for the next three days.
My wife died suddenly and violently on the 15 of March while I was at work. I have made progress with this loss. I have even gotten to the point where I have moments where I’m ok. I didn’t sleep the night before the workshop. I was not doing well with spending the next three days going over the day she died, the 10 years we were married and what it is like today without her. When I saw your location I did not feel like it was a safe place to go inside and open myself up for the next three days about the pain of my loss.
I noticed when I got home that you did not have a street address on you website. You don’t have any pictures of the building or what the rooms look like inside. The pictures you do have I noticed seem to have been taken some time ago and do not reflect current workshops. Your link to testimonials does not contain any testimonials. If I had been aware of the visual location of this workshop I do not believe I would have given up almost $700. I spent the weekend in San Diego with a balcony view room of the Bay for less than $400. It is not that far of a reach for someone to think the facilities where you will be sharing intense grief would be one that is warm safe and inviting. Your location is none of these.
Although your return policy protects you from giving me a refund, I would ask that you consider doing so. I'm sure that many of your prospective attendees cancel for a variety of reasons thus the no refund policy. I do believe, though, that my reason is a valid reason. I showed up. I was willing and open-minded to his process. It just didn't look or feel like the place I saw on the website. It wasn't an inviting safe place for me to trust my grief to. If you won't consider a refund, perhaps you could point me in the direction to the place on the website that looked bright, new, clean, friendly, and warm.

And this is what they sent:

Dear Mr. S.,

We were dismayed, for many reasons, with the content of your note.

Frankly, yours is the very first comment we've ever received on the exterior of the building we rent. Over 700 people have attended Workshops at this location and no one has ever mentioned being put-off by the exterior. We’re sorry that your perception of the outside of the building dissuaded you from even coming in to see that it is quite pleasant within. And we must tell you that many people remark, with great humor, about the fact that there’s a psychic next door. Even grievers have a sense of humor and they’ll say, “Well if the Grief Recovery Workshop doesn’t work, we can go next door.” Of course we have no control over the other tenants on the street – all of whom happen to be delightful people.

In addition to the Personal Workshops here, we hold more than 50 Grief Recovery Training events each year at hotels throughout the country. Following these trainings, all participants fill out evaluation forms about the training facility, the program content, and the facilitator. Almost every one marks the content and the leadership at the highest level. But, a certain percentage of the attendees have negative comments about the locations from the points of view of comfort, cleanliness, convenience, noise, or unwelcoming hotel personnel. Of course we have no control over those opinions and they always vary from person to person.

The participants who come to our Woodman Avenue trainings never complain about our facility, as it is very clean and very well maintained. Even things like air-conditioning or heating, which we sometimes have no control over in hotels, here we can moderate instantly. Further, we put out a nice morning spread of bagels and sweet rolls and fruit, along with coffee and your choice of tea. In fact, we go out of our way to make sure that everyone is comfortable. And our staff here are warm and sensitive to the fact that those who come here are reeling in the aftermath of recent losses. We have a very respectful, caring environment here at the Institute and once again, it is unfortunate that you allowed your interpretation of the exterior of the building to prevent you from stepping inside.

In repsonse to your comments about not having our street address on our website – that is actually intentional. We get more than 2,000,000 hits a year on the very public site. We put our post-office address on the site since we are not a retail, walk-in facility. People come here to participate in Workshops or Trainings. In fact, it is partly because we have our events here in our seminar room that we leave our street address off the website, so we can maintain the peace and confidentiality of the events.

Regarding the testimonials: Thank you for pointing out that there are none under that heading on the website. There must have been a glitch at some time when we shifted some copy around and our webmaster overlooked reinserting the testimonials. We’ll repair that.

Regretfully we will not be refunding your tuition. However, should you wish to attend a future Personal Workshop, we will transfer your payment and waive the transfer fees as a courtesy.

Sincerely yours,
Office Manager
The Grief Recovery Institute


Thoughts:

Friday, June 22, 2007

Carol Died Camp


No Show at Carol Died Camp. Call me names, wuss, coward, crazy, whatever. But when I pulled up and looked at where I would be spending the next three days I had this overwhelming feeling of "No F'n Way!" I don't know what I was expecting but I think it was going to be in a nicer place than this. Between spilling my guts out about the loss of my wife, I can go next door and have my palm's read! Or for quick service I can send a letter via a messenger service which are located on either side!

Is there something wrong with me? Am I stuck up? I just had this vision of shitty chairs and tables with a bad smell in the room. I kept thinking over and over again, "8:30am to 5:30pm for the next three days..." If it was a nicer place that made me feel safe and comfortable then maybe.

I'm sorry everyone, really I am.