No Title Part 2

I didn't put a title cause I'm not quite sure what to call this. First let me bring people up to date.

I was working in Vandenberg last week. I was surprised that Friday came alone and I went, "Oh Shit! I forgot Carol's Birthday! (which was on the 7th)" I had a mix of emotions. I felt kinda good cause I didn't dwell on it. But felt bad that I forgot.

Now for the big news...(drum roll)....
I asked Darcy, the lady I've been dating for about 8 months, to move in. (gasp).

I'm not sure how everyone will take this. Some will think it is too soon, others might be happy that I can start to live another life now or some don't really care one way or the other. It has been something I've been thinking about for some time. I have 4 hour drives to Lompoc when I go up there and back. So I would pass the time thinking about things. One of the things I would think about is asking Darcy to move in. During a conversation about her moving to an apartment next door where she was living for more room I happen to bring up the question if she wanted to move in. After a lot of talk we came to the agreement to give it a try.

She moved in for the most part this weekend. We are taking scuba diving lessons this weekend and the next. We are both looking forward to doing that. One of her daughters came over on Sunday to see Darcy for Mother's Day. I was showing them the around the house. I heard later that when I showed them the office I happen to mention that was Carol's computer bla bla bla. Afterwards she told her mother it kinda looked like Carol was still there. The desk and computer is still the way she left it. Grief is strange that way.

Even after clearing out a ton of stuff grief still happens to find a few things to hang on to. Darcy told her daughter that is they way it is going to be with a few things. She accepts that which is one of the reasons I like her and felt good about her moving in. She is willing to allow me to continue to heal from my grief. I'm sure if it got too bad or too creepy she might not feel that way. For now though, having her desk the way it is didn't seem to bug her that much. I do plan to move the desks out of the office and into the bedroom. So in a short period of time the office will not look the way it is now.

So what do you think blog-fans?

2 Years + 15 Days

It's been two years and 15 Days since I got the call at work that devistaed my life. When Carol died that day so did a part of me. I will never be a husband to her again, I will never be a partner in life with her again. Alone, I had to face each day. Some were normal, some were hard, some were... well, harder.

Yesterday I finally threw out her purse. It had been sitting under her desk untouched for two years. I would always see it every time I would go in my office. I had a stack of mail that needed shredding and as I sat at her table shredding paper I kept looking at it. Finally I reached down, took out all the credit cards and shred them. I took her Drivers License and ID and put in my safe. (not sure why) and went through her purse. It hurt. Nothing was of any value in it. Then, just like that, I dumped it in the trash.

I plan on more house cleaning like that. I know I've said it before but I need to redecorate the house to be more of me. It is still all Carol. I still haven't painted over her writing in the bedroom wall. It still says "Carol & Kelly" in light yellow paint. I have bought paint twice to paint over it but each time I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. At this rate I'll be opening my own paint store soon. There are odd little things all over the house that needs to go too.

This year has been a very very busy year for work for me. I have been gone about 80% of the time. I'm home this week and will leave again Sunday for a month. It looks like it will slow down after that... I think. I keep thinking it's going to slow down but it doesn't. That is a good thing. I like traveling. My award points paid for a room in the middle of Rome for 5 days this summer.

I've decided I'm going to keep writing for awhile. There are a lot of things I still need to say and share. I'm amazed at how many people come to my site. A lot of new people have started to come recently which has prompted me to write again. I'm not sure if I'm a message of hope or not. I try to be as genuine and truthful as possible while protecting other people's privacy. I wish I could say a whole lot more but that is another story I think. This one is simply about me and the loss of my best friend, lover and wife. It's a front row seat in the live of my struggle to change, heal, and let go. I haven't always been successful but I still find a way to get through the hard days and enjoy the good ones.

It's been a long 2 years and 15 days.

#1Fan

Is it time?

Next month will be two years. My blogging and sharing has dwindled down to little to nothing. I'm wondering if it is time to let go....

Twitter

Just wanted to let you all know I have a Twitter account now.

http://twitter.com/navykel

Killing time in Dallas

Hey everyone. I'm at Dallas Airport killing time before my flight for Huntsville. I've been on travel since the beginning of the year. Had a day to take care of things at home yesterday. One of them was changing my phone from an Omina to a Storm. I tried the Omina but was getting more and more pissed at it. The upper case arrow was right next to the send buttom. There is also no cancel button to stop sending a txt. As you can imagine I had a lot of confusing txt sent out. I heard a lot of bad things about the Storm but after having the Omina for 3 weeks, I love this phone. Still trying to figure it out but I really really like it. I've had none of the problems I hear about so I think they fixed all the major issues.

I know this is not a product review blog. How am I doing? I'm doing ok. I tried a roommate again. and was relieved when we both agreed for her to find another place. I wont go into the details but I'll just say I'll be living alone for awhile as long as I can afford it.

Speaking of that. I was planning to go to Spain in Aug. But I've been thinking about it and think I'm not going to go after all. It is a lot of money and think it might be a good idea to just take some time off of doing stuff like that and build up my savings. Not that I'm broke or anything (far from it) it is just I keep hearing Carol's voice telling me to save my money for awhile. My trip last year was a trip of a life time. It's time to just fix some things around the house, buy a new bed, and grow my savings. There is always next time.

Kel

Happy New Year

Hello friends and family. I am doing much better this time of year than last. Things have become very clear to me now in ways that had been difficult to see before. Without the love, support and genuine friendship of the people around me, I'm not sure I could have made it through this year. I seem to have come through something and am on the other side now. When I look into the future I see hope not despair.

Until next year,

Kel

again and

again and again and again

will i ever learn