Grief and the Holidays

I was following the blog of a woman who recently died. I go back occasionally to see how the husband is doing. I think of him often. I don't have children so I imagine it is different for him having children. I was reading comments left by others and some of them are asking for updates on how he and the family are doing and that they wish them a happy holiday. I wanted to leave a comment but was afraid I'd get told off. So I'd thought I'd use my own blog to share what I think.

I think it f'n sucks! There is nothing happy about the holidays just after the death of the woman you love. Your soul has this painful gaping whole in it and a wind -40 degrees is blowing through it leaving pin stabbing pains. Your chest is tight and you can't eat. Every where you look reminds you of what you don't have in your life anymore, joy. So if the holidays are not joyful or happy I give you permission to privately boycott them for this year. It's ok not to participate.

I have no experience on what to say when it comes to the children. I'll leave that to others who know what they are talking about. I'm sure there are ways to minimize the pain and still allow them to participate in the holiday if they feel they want to. Perhaps it could be just simply going to church on the 25th and celebrating the birth of a religious icon of your beliefs. It doesn't have to be about decorating or gifts or joy. Simply expressing gratitude to the spiritual person and the sacrifice that person gave for the purpose of that day.

So to you, brother, I say feel what you need to feel. Express what you need to express. endure what you need to endure. All I can do is give you a little hope that it is better for me this year than last and that it will be the same for you next year.

Kel

She likes me again...

Until Sunday when we have to do it agian...

Numb Viloent Acts still leave a Mark

Kitty came home on Saturday. Monday was my first day of giving her an IV treatment. As you can imagine it brought back memories of Carol. The IV line and stuff. The needle looks kind big and intimidating. On Saturday at the Vets the did the treatment and for the most part she just sat there and didn't fuss too much. For me though I was not so fortunate. Today was her third IV. It did not go well. She fought me very hard and bit me. I had to stick the needle in twice cause she fought so hard I had to hold her down and the it came out. Now she hides from me in fear. I can't even get her to come out for food. Some people said they would help but have never called to come over to help. I understand, this is my problem. The problem is I'm not even half way through the treatments. We still have a lot more violent acts to dance together with. I'm sure when I'm done she will hate me forever. nice...

Kel

Kelly's Law

Great Achievements Require Great People,
Great People are not Required Great Achievements

-Kelly's Law

Kitty

Kitty is at the hospital getting nuked for a tumor on her thyroid. Doesn't she look pissed? She'll ignore me for awhile when she gets home but will get over it when she starts to put weight on again.

Anyway, just want to post something. It's been awhile since I've shared and wanted to say I miss the people who come here to read but who I don't get to talk to.

Hope all is well with everyone,
Kel

Dreams Part 4

I’m currently in Lompoc working everyday through the 6^th. I like the work, very busy plus I get to crawl in, out and around missile silos. Cool! I had Thanksgiving off but am working today and this weekend. I like that, keeping busy is good.

I had a great time last weekend with a bunch of friends. Got to see some old friends I haven’t seen in awhile and hang out with current ones.

My mental, emotional and physical health has been good. I haven’t worked out in toooooo long. Not sure why I stopped but I know when I do it is very hard to start back up again. Might be why the depression is starting to seep in again.

I had a nightmare or bad dream the other night. It had Carol in it. In the dream it seems that Carol didn’t die and a friend of hers took her away for her to get better. In the dream I discover that she is still alive and became very angry at her friend for lying to me and keeping her to herself. When I came face to face with Carol she was mad at me and didn’t want anything to do with me. She said I let the house get too dirty and is upset with how I’ve started to live my life. In the dream I was devastated and crushed. I kept pleading with her over and over. I woke up crying. It was awful.

Lately I have been thinking of her a lot. The dream made me think about my life and how I’m living it. Am I the type of man today that Carol would be attracted to or want to be with? I don’t know. I’m trying to move on and find the will to continue living. Being alone is not fun and trying to make someone fit is not turning out good.

That’s all for now.

Oh, and I cut my hair!

Myspace

I did it. I created a Myspace account and put a few things up. So, if your into that sort of thing there it is. WARNING: It is going to contain a lot of satirical content and dry humor. This blog will stay as a journal tool to communicate my recovery from grief. Myspace will be a place to simply communicate and express whatever is on my mind. The link to Myspace is to the right of the page where I put the "Follow Blogs" tool.

Take care,

Kel