One Step Back

I traveled back from Alabama yesterday. I worked in the morning and got on a plane in the afternoon to come home. For the most part, the day went fine. Seems that the same day it was Valentines day was also the 11 month day of Carol's death.

I got home and my roommate was not home. Unpacked and got ready for bed because I had to get up early to go into work. The cats where happy to see me. I turned off the lights, got into bed and it hit me.

Pain.

I cried myself to sleep.

Two steps forward, one step back...

Look Ahead

I'm coming up on the end of the 10th month. This Thursday will start the countdown for the final month before the one year anniversary of Carol's death. One year. Wow, it's hard to believe it's been this long. In one way it seems like just yesterday but in other ways it seems like years ago. Either way I no longer get paralyzed from the pain when I think about it.

I would like to plan to try and update my blog on a more regular basses as I come up to my one year. I want to share what I'm doing and how I am feeling as it gets closer. Afterwards, I'm not sure what to do. A part of me thinks that I should just let this go and move on. Let this blog die. Leave it as a record of what it was like for someone who loved as much as I loved to live through the first year. I want my life after the 15th of March to be more about me and my life ahead than living the the shadow of grief, loss and pain. I want to live with a smile. To have genuine joy in my life. I want to meet someone and hold their hand and feel good about it. I want to look at someone, smile and feel joy.

For some reason I feel that having a year behind me will allow me to do this. I have tired to move on recently but have been overwhelmed with guilt and fear. All very overwhelming and confusing. I recently had a moment of reflection about a friend I met after Carol died. I looked at him and realized he represents my future. He never knew Carol or me as a husband. He has only known me as Kelly. I look at him and I have found hope that I can go on and have a new life that is rich and full of new people who will not look at me with pity or sadness. Not that my friends do that but sometimes I project that even if they are not feeling that way.

I stop now so I will have more to write later. Take care everyone and thanks for being here for me through this difficult Journey.

Kel

Absense

I apologize for my long absence. I have been on travel and working long hours. I have a break in schedule and thought I'd sit down and write a few words about how things are going.

How are things going? Well for the most part they are going good. I still have moments where I get caught up in thinking about Carol and how much I miss her. I can see how easy it could be for people to be trapped in grief for long periods of time. I try to take my mind off "that" part of thinking about Carol and think about something else. I feel guilty when I do though. I think it's better to live with a moment of guilt than long periods of grief and depression.

I have started to get into golf. I started playing with a friend at work and we both have become obsessed with it. I went out and got a whole Callaway setup. I got a push cart and bag. I got the new 2008 FT-i driver and X-20 Irons with graphite shafts. After all is said and done, I still suck at golf! LOL! But I really really like it. I just hope I get better at. I took a lesson and after I did I've been having a hard time relaxing with my swing.

My roommate will finish school and be moving out on the 15th. While I'm on travel I will arrange to have a pet sitter come by three times a week. I'll also ask friends if they wouldn't mind coming over a few times a week to hang out with the cats and watch TV or hang out on the computer. That doesn't sound like a burden does it? I hope not. I don't want to have to try and find a home for the cats.

I'll try and write more to keep everyone up on what's going on. So far so good.

Kel

Level 58

Made it. Level 58 and into the Outlands!

Kel

A New Year

I start work in full gear Monday. I tired to go back on Wednesday but half the people were still on vacation. It was difficult to find something to do since I didn't have access to the computers yet. Luckily, I got into no further accidents on my way home.

How am I doing? That seems to be the big questions I get from family and friends. I think about it a lot. I finally played World of Warcraft for a significant amount of time yesterday. I made Level 57 Orc Warrior. I need one more level and I can go into the Outlands! I need to be able to increase my Engineering and Mining Skills. The trainers are located in the Outlands and I have to be a level 58 before I can go throught the portal. I know I know, I can get a mage to teleport me there but I want to go the old fashion way.

I have been dreaming a lot about Carol. Almost every night. My dreams are always the same. We are always either getting ready to go somewhere or are on vacation together. She is always helping me get things in order to travel.

When I think of Carol now it doesnt hurt like it has before. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. I mean, don't get me wrong, I miss Carol and want to be with her and have my life back. But I am feeling stronger now and more comfortable being on my own. So far I've done a good job at taking care of the finances, house, car, and cats. I have money in the bank and pay my bills on time each month. I have a savings for emergency's. I think if Carol was here she would be very proud of me. Actually if she was here she would be very sad that I was taking care of everything. She was very sensitive about being needed. If was able to completely take care of myself, she would be very depressed about what she would be needed for. Not sure why I rambled on about that.

So welcome to 2008. For me, my new year will not start until March 16. So I'm still in my year. Is it wrong to anticipate getting past the one year mark?

Kel

An End to 2007

I didn't do well through the holidays. Everyone had told me it would be difficult. I knew it would be difficult but still, I thought somehow someway I could cheat it. Find a magic formula or distraction to get my through it. (loud buzzer) Wrong! Pain and grief, pain and grief. There was no way to avoid it.

I dreamt of Carol last night. We where getting ready to go somewhere together. Going somewhere with Carol was always an event. Pack this, look for that, need this, need that. It never bothered me. It was just what we had to do to go somewhere. It was good to see her again. I hope she visits more.

I talked the one of the main people at South Cost Divers. He emailed me and it seems that in all fairness, I need to speak up when I need help. They can't read minds and it's not fair to expect them too. I just have a problem asking for help. I was abandon as a child when I was 10. Since then I have had dedicated my life to be self sufficient. Carol was a unique person who came into my life and I allowed myself to become dependent on her to be a part of my life. Anyway, back to SCD. I had an email exchange with one of the main participants of the group. I'm looking forward to meeting him tomorrow for a dive.

Speaking of dives. I did actually get to go on one last Wed. I went with my dive instructor on a fun dive. Stayed out 60 min at a depth of 40ft. It was nice. My mask flooded the whole time. That sucked.

Speaking of things that suck. I left work on the 20th. The light turned green for me to turn left. As I finished my turn, someone ran a red light and hit me. Only minor damage to the car. I was lucky someone pulled over to be a witness. When I told the driver she ran the light she denied it and said I ran the light. Sad.

Speaking of sad. 2007. What an bad year. I'm glad it's over. Tomorrow will mark the countdown to March 15. I am doing everything thing I can to heal. I am active. I exercise. I go out with friends. I think once I get past the one year mark, things might get different for me. I hope anyway. Maybe that should be my theme for 2008, Hope.

Kel

xmas day

Just a quick note to let everyone know today is going better than I thought it would. The wind was too strong to go golf but plan on trying again tomorrow. I ended up going last night at the last min. It was very very hard even though I probably looked like I was doing fine. I wanted to go and I'm happy I did.



Merry Christmas everyone.



Kel