skip to main |
skip to sidebar
I went to work yesterday. I had dressed nice I must say. Logged on my computer and promptly sat there looking at it. I was looking at the monitor, not what was being displayed. I tried to take a walk to get my head into things. Sat down, nothing. Feelings started to overwhelm me. I looked at the clock, 7:30am. Oh no. A few more attempts and I gave up and sent out an email that I was "Out Sick" and going home. That's the truth, right?
In the car on the way home it started. The tiers. Not a lot, but I felt as though I was struggling to hold back something. I got home and had decided I was going to finally start doing something with the house. I got as far as getting undressed to my underwear when it hit. It hit me hard and unexpected. The only safe place I felt was a corner in the kitchen on the floor. I sat there, in my underwear and started to sob. Over and over, wave after wave. Everything I looked at resulted in a flood of memories. I could hear her voice.
After two hours and a box of tissue, I was laying on the floor with my legs up on a chair. My right forearm was resting across my forehead. The crying had stopped, for the moment. A short time later I put some shorts on and a friend came over. We talked, I cried some more. It seems it has come down to the house. I have been putting off getting Carol's stuff boxed up. Painting. Getting new bedroom furniture. I just didn't want to do it. I kept having this vision of putting her things in a garbage bag. A Garbage Bag! I see that and I get gutted. How can I do that to her? I can I put all our memories in a garbage bag and put it out on a curb. That's it? See you later? Time to move on! (Hold on everyone, please I'm just sharing here. Just expressing the raw emotions of my moment.)
I asked Brandi how do I start. How do I get through this? She recommended starting with the place I need to feel the most safe, where I sleep. She recommended the bedroom. So today, she is coming over to help me go through and pack up (like how I avoided the garbage bag reference?) and move out some of the things in the bed room. I am going to move the bed to another part of the room. I want to move my stuff from my closet to hers. Then I want to go and pick out a color for the room and paint. Finally, I found a bed room set that I like. I'm going to buy it.
So I think I'm going to be "Out Sick" (wink) for a few days.
I had a visitor come see me last night. Came over uninvited but came in just the same. Promptly turned off all the lights then sat with me in the dark at the kitchen table. Sat with me until I started to cry. Waited with me until through a whisper I started to say, “Why Carol? Why did you leave me? I can’t do this. Don’t you see I’m messed up? I can’t do this alone.” Later followed me to the living room where I sat in the dark. Although I called a friend and talked, it knew the call would end and our visit would resume. When I went to sleep it stayed with me. I would wake on occasion and see it still there.
The Visitor’s name is Depression
I seem to be feeling better today. Better than I have in a few weeks. The task at hand is much clearer to me today. For now, my task is to welcome each day as a widower in grief. Not in the way of morbid depression, but in a way to honor my wife and my marriage. I am not single, far from it. While I was married it was easy to resist temptation, I was in love with my wife and I enjoyed the benefits of each and every day. My mind and body are in a tail-spin since Carol’s death. Nothing is there to protect me from myself. So I have come to the conclusion that if I think of myself as still married I can get through the weak moments. I certainly have plenty of experience to draw upon to help me. However, I’m not fouling myself either.
For me, today, I think of myself as a widower in grief. I wan to give myself a year to honor my process to heal and focus on the things that are important today.
Can I keep this commitment? Am I setting myself up for failure? Is this unreasonable?
Hi everyone. A lot has been going on in my life as of late. But unfortunately it involves other people. I’m faced with a dilemma of how to journal my real-life experiences but respect the privacy of others.
My home if filled with silence. The only human voice is my own and I hear it only when I talk to the cats or am on the phone. The silence is difficult to handle. I try to turn on as much white noise on as I can. The fan, air purifier, radio, AC, TV, etc, etc. But I can still hear it, the silence. I know I have said this before and I guess I’ll continue to say it until I’m done saying it: I don’t want to be alone. I’m not talking the “get a roommate” alone. I’m talking about living with my best friend. Coming home each day and talking about what happened. Sitting next to each other and watching TV. Sitting on the floor and eating dinner off the coffee table while we watch TV.
Before I met Carol, I never had this in my whole life. I was always alone. I was abandoned as a child and lived from one place to another. Sometimes with people I know sometime with complete strangers. As I got older I preferred to be alone. My relationships before Carol were disasters. I had given up on ever finding anyone and reserved to a life of being alone.
Here I am once again, alone and living in silence. It is like an old friend that has come back into my life but find it awkward. We used to have so much in common but now found it difficult to carry a conversation longer than 5 minutes. The rest of the visit is spent waiting for it to end.
Waiting for it to end.
That is how I spend my time now, waiting for the loneliness to end. There is only one small detail that keeps getting in the way, grief. One of the chief allies of grief is Denial. It is a four star general with a multitude of resources dedicated to planning and executing strategies to accomplish the mission set out. Damn the consequences to anyone near the action. That’s called collateral damage. It happens, or Shit happens. The difference between lying and denial is the difference between lying to others and lying to yourself. You know when your lying to others but have know idea when your lying to yourself.
The only remedy is honesty. Regrettably with denial the honesty comes only after the fact. My life is being devastated my denial. My consequences may be the loss of friendships. Not just the “hey lets watch a movie or have coffee” friendships but the “this is how I feel” friendships. I must try and continue to make a commitment to see this through no matter how painful it is. I keep trying to tell myself that I want to be alone again. If I believe I want to be alone then I can begin to accept it and somehow be happy again. A part of me thinks this is nothing more than trying to play mind games with myself. The fact is that now that I’ve had a significant amount of time being with a great person, I’ll never be happy being alone again. I just need to learn to tolerate it.
Allow me to introduce to you the lowest form of humanity. They are called the Collection Consultant Association. What they do is take billing discrepancies and send letters to people. Because the have "Collection" in the name people respond out of fear. At first they seem to be helpful and request insurance information. But they have no interest in billing the insurance or they will bill the insurance but not tell you they have and continue to demand full payment. I did some research on them with the BBB. The BBB has given them a rating of "F". This is the worst rating a business can get. Lucky for me "The Fair Debt Collection Practices Act protects consumers from unfair collection tactics. If you have received a call or a billing for a debt which is unfamiliar to you, check your records carefully before paying the amount. Ask the company to provide proof of the debt. If they fail to do so, you are not required to pay the debt. "So far they have only provided obscure dates but not specific details of treatment not paid for. I have sent them a letter stating I have filed a complaint with the BBB. Also that I am going to deal with CHOC directly on this issue and that if I receive any more letters or phone calls I'm going to consult the local District Attorney.
…a good dream. But before I share about the good dream I want to share the bad one.
Carol would scream my name. As soon as I heard it I knew what was wrong. I would jump up, run to the oxygen, turn it up to max output and run to the bathroom. She would be standing there coughing up blood. I would put the air on her and tighten up behind her head to keep it in place. Then we would wait for it to get worse or stop. Wait… wait… wait…
I have been waking up at night after hearing her scream my name. I would wake up eyes wide open, my heart racing, and start to jump out of bed before the effects of waking up would kick in. Just before I would get out of bed I would realize it was a dream. I would lie down again and wait to relax. Wait… wait… wait…
Last night I had a different dream. We sat in the kitchen for hours and talked. The sad part is I can’t remember details of what we talked about. I can only guess and my guess will be from a strictly self-centered point of view. But I have a strong feeling that we talked about how I am doing. I believe she was telling me she is happy with how I’ve been doing and approves of the people I have decided to hang out with. I remember I was saying something and for some reason walked out of the kitchen into the entry way. When I didn’t hear her response I turned to look back in the kitchen. She was gone. I looked around and started calling her name but then remembered she is gone. I woke up feeling happy. Finally, a good dream.
I returned to Palm Springs at 2ish on Saturday. A few hours after my post "Pain". Later that night after talking with friends I came around to feeling better. Afterwords I thought about my post. Should it stay or should it go?
I am re-learning lessons. Lessons that I thought I had graduated from. Thought I'd never have to take that class again. I passed the test once before, why take it again? But when someone is dealing with Perception the lesson is never done, the test always prone to fail, and graduation is never going to happen.
I count on my Perception of things around me. I look, think, and based on previous experience, make judgements. But Perception is like playing craps. Sooner or later the shooter hits the seven before the point and everyone who is perceiving the shooter will win, will loose. That's what happened to me. I bet that what I saw and what I thought, based on my previous experience, was absolute truth. The Seven came up and I was absolutely wrong. The one thing I'm leaving out is my actions based upon my judgements. This is where people get hurt.
So what do I do about my actions of my Post based upon my judgement? The people who know, know. People who think they know and don't will pass judgement on me and others. And then there are the visitors to my blog that don't have any idea of what I'm talking about. I have made my direct amends. Do I delete the Post as a part of my amends or do I leave it as a record of my journey?
For now, I'm going to leave it. In some way I see this as a part of my journey. I think that people with similar experiences will identify with my feelings without knowing any details. They will know they are not alone in this process. It might give them hope and the courage to live in spite of making the occasional mistake.
So for today, it Stays.
